By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 17:01 - United States

Bro, do you even lift?

Today, I sprained my bicep. The urgent care doctor told me to take it easy on weight lifting. When I told him I hurt myself holding a book, he had to leave the room because he couldn’t stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

801

You deserved it

181

Favorite

Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

On the ball

Teenagers, amirite?

By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44553

You deserved it

6033

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44678

You deserved it

4014

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47985

You deserved it

6655

Favorite

By gregm97 - 6/6/2020 05:03

Motel 6 to 9

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1882

You deserved it

148

Favorite

By Sudoc

Working too hard!

Today, after spending 6 hours straight working on a project at school, I decided to call it a night. The instant I set foot out of the lab, the building started screaming. The maintenance guy had set the alarm without telling me. The police had to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3809

You deserved it

233

Favorite

By IncompatibleMetier - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34400

You deserved it

10931

Favorite

By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13460

You deserved it

1299

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1458

You deserved it

432

Favorite

By applesmama - United States

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30392

You deserved it

4661

Favorite

By Sammy - United States

Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47709

You deserved it

5525

Favorite

By sad life - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29494

You deserved it

4797

Favorite

By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I still have my ridiculous fear of being heard on the toilet, and I can't go if people are around. I'd just sat down on the toilet when three of my housemates started chatting immediately outside the door. I had to sit silently until they were gone. For half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39008

You deserved it

9607

Favorite

By JackOLantern - Satellite Provider

Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62743

You deserved it

33002

Favorite

By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31197

You deserved it

2765

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Conspiracies claim another victim

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

865

You deserved it

162

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27655

You deserved it

3889

Favorite

When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

852

You deserved it

4773

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33362

You deserved it

2925

Favorite

By ohmylantis - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43134

You deserved it

3713

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my psychology class taking the hardest test ever. After I spent most of the period trying to fill in the few answers that I knew, I looked up to see everyone with their notebooks on their desks. It was an open-note test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14050

You deserved it

58108

Favorite

By craigtm029429 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30720

You deserved it

1877

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day on duty as a rookie cop. Everything was going great, and even the veterans on the force were warming up to me. That is until my mother came into the station carrying a brown bag for my lunch. Written on the bag was, "Lunch for my big boy. I love you, pumpkin." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41924

You deserved it

6300

Favorite

By sickly

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43413

You deserved it

4324

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14305

You deserved it

35506

Favorite

By faeliality - United States

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22646

You deserved it

1343

Favorite

By neverunderstood - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9346

You deserved it

1391

Favorite

By Sica - France

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26649

You deserved it

6393

Favorite

By anon - United States - Springfield

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23039

You deserved it

1849

Favorite

By projectfain - United States - Akron

Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47816

You deserved it

3187

Favorite

By Chandler - United States

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26758

You deserved it

2914

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in public. She happily said yes, and the surrounding crowd cheered for us. About 10 minutes later, after the excitement died down, she leaned over and quietly said, "Actually, I don't want to marry you. I only said yes so I wouldn't disappoint the crowd." FML

I agree, your life sucks

79774

You deserved it

11760

Favorite

By supras - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, playing soccer, I jumped up to make a header and clear the ball away from our goal. I got the ball but some guy kicked me in the face. I was taken off. All the parents were horrified, saying how badly my nose must have broken. Turns out my nose was fine. That's just how my nose looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41759

You deserved it

3117

Favorite

By Daligheri - 2/3/2021 11:01

Sinking feeling

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after we watched Titanic for the first time together. Why? Two reasons. Because I cried, and apparently men aren't allowed to be emotional, and because she asked me if I would save her or a boat of women and children first. Neither answer was correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

965

You deserved it

Favorite

By nobleach - United States

Red alert

Today, I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40542

You deserved it

13935

Favorite

By Arthur - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48197

You deserved it

3199

Favorite

By got to be kidding me - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1923

You deserved it

263

Favorite

By Laci - United States

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36735

You deserved it

23122

Favorite

By Zooep

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9645

You deserved it

767

Favorite

By Oblivious - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

I agree, your life sucks

155605

You deserved it

16183

Favorite

By thetalkingvagina - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54686

You deserved it

18475

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7968291 - Sunday 31 January 2021 3:56

Was the novel War and Peace, the Hardback addition with added commentary? Or maybe the Agatha Christie compilation?

By Matt Steele | 10

#7980168 - Sunday 21 March 2021 6:46

lol isn't stupid its the lil things that bring you in not the big things yea I can deadlift 500lbs but fuck me dont ask me to lift that spoon or your going to have take me into the ER lol

COMMENTS

By tounces7 | 27

#7968291 - Sunday 31 January 2021 3:56

Was the novel War and Peace, the Hardback addition with added commentary? Or maybe the Agatha Christie compilation?

By mccuish | 22

#7968315 - Sunday 31 January 2021 7:09

Why are you read Twilight Breaking Dawn

By DrSamba1 | 7

#7968496 - Monday 1 February 2021 7:16

Was the book Webster's Unabridged Dictionary?

By natspang | 7

#7969809 - Sunday 7 February 2021 1:53

you don't sprain muscles. you sprain joints. Dumbass...

Matt Steele | 10

#7980167 - Sunday 21 March 2021 6:44

lol yea you can bud it's called over exerting bud look it up

By Matt Steele | 10

#7980168 - Sunday 21 March 2021 6:46

lol isn't stupid its the lil things that bring you in not the big things yea I can deadlift 500lbs but fuck me dont ask me to lift that spoon or your going to have take me into the ER lol