Intimacy: Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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Intimacy

Surprise strike

Pleased to meet you

Furry family

By R_Horsefeet - Netherlands

Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Werribee

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

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By nba

Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving on to a better opportunity. Nothing reminds you why you’re leaving like being the last person to your own party, and picking over the minuscule amount of food scraps that are left. FML

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By accidentalsmartass - Japan - Tokyo

He deserved it. Snapping ain't cool unless you're a turtle.

Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By apparentlyhesbusy - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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By gs - United States

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

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By Tyler Smith - United States

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

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By SteveBassist

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to: "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

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Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

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By Puggle1019

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

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By Soundofaboner - United States

Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

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By Renter - United States

Today, I received a bill for damage to my old apartment. The same damage caused by the maintenance guy when he came to fix the pipes about a week before I left. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML

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By Animal cruelty - Australia

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

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By someone - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

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By itscalledaphonecontractretards - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML

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By wouaf - France - Voiron

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

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By TabbiNicole - United States

Today, I had a woman accuse me of trying to steal her husband over the phone, just because I called and asked for him. I'm an interviewer. FML

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By coffeeburns - United States

Today, I was at a Starbucks drive-thru and was grabbing a hot coffee when I got rear ended and my car hit the vehicle in front of me which deployed my airbag. Hot coffee can really burn when it hits your face at a high rate of speed. FML

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By screw_this27

Today, I received a book about sailboats. I'd ordered a book about makeup. FML

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By SlappyMcGee - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Takanini

Today, I went to the doctor's after over a week of feeling extremely tired and having headaches. His advice? "When I'm tired I drink coffee. You should drink coffee." Somehow, I don't think that was worth $60. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

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By lea5459 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

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By sad - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

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By Awie - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

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Today, I have to pay my college an extra $1000 because there is a $20 charge every time you get locked out of your room, and I have an extremely poor short-term memory. I'm also only allowed to have exactly one keycard at any given time. FML

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By fat - United States

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

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By ambermcnulty - France

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend had seen me naked. He grabs my breasts and then begins to sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He is 22. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was babysitting, and after the kids fell asleep I started hiding the Easter candy. They woke up when I was half-done, and it didn't take them long to figure out what was going on. They won't stop crying, and every time I go near them, they scream "LIAR!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Boondall

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

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By beachedwhale21 - 22/6/2020 05:01

Always save to the cloud!

Today, I finally finished typing up a story I had been working on for about 7 months, saved it on my computer and left to hang with friends. Came home later to find my dad had sold my laptop in order to pay his phone bill. My hard work is now gone. FML

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Top comments

By iFerret | 0

#691488 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:56

imagine how madonna's children feel

By perdix | 29

#691615 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:21

I hope you stopped looking before you got to the ones where grandma was sporting a Boston Pancake and a Dirty Sanchez.

COMMENTS

By kristol909 | 0

#691487 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:55

ewww.......

By iFerret | 0

#691488 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:56

imagine how madonna's children feel

sukhdeep | 4

#1023476 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 4:17

agreed 3

By shananigans | 0

#691495 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:57

...Well?

What did the outfit consist of?

By catfriend44 | 0

#691525 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:11

eeeeewwwwww

By nyuu1234 | 0

#691533 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:16

YDI for being a snoop

By Avenging_Angel | 0

#691550 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:28

Dude, with eavesdropping, be glad that's ALL you saw...

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5906192 - Sunday 6 April 2014 2:28

He was trying to figure out who left the camera. That's not really eavesdropping

By Laxloverr24 | 0

#691587 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:57

she could have been wearing nothing.

By perdix | 29

#691615 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:21

I hope you stopped looking before you got to the ones where grandma was sporting a Boston Pancake and a Dirty Sanchez.

QJD | 0

#699484 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 3:39

Do i want know what a Boston Pancake is?

By thesunwillshine3 | 0

#691620 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:25

haha. wooooohh granny :)

By babeyy | 0

#691627 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:32

oh wowzerz u likd it don't lie lmao