Intimacy: Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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Intimacy

Our house, in the middle of our street

Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

By fishyrael - 26/1/2021 23:01

Barbarian rolls a 1 for Charisma

Today, my best friend of a decade ended our friendship, all because I wouldn't kick someone from our Dungeons and Dragons table that he disliked. FML

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By horribleevening - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By say my name

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Horseheads

Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML

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By ripmyphone - United States - Glen Allen

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

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By Bir - Nepal

Early wake-up

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

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By Angelthecat

Now listen here, you lot…

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

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By framed - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By carsuck - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By ihateithere

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

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By Shone - Canada - Grand Forks

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

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By a816090

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By PositiveElectron - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML

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By BadKarma - United States - Douglas

When it rains, it pours.

Today, my washing machine, dryer, vacuum cleaner, and laptop all stopped working. FML

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By photonut13 - Canada

Today, I found out my mother had remarried, and that I was getting a stepfather and stepbrother. However I found out about it 30 minutes before we left to pick them up from the airport, and also found out that I'm losing my bedroom. FML

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By Subliminal message - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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By twintowers - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

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By ugh - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

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By koletatlow19 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By guest - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntingtown

Smooth criminal

Today, my neighbor's son siphoned the fuel out of my lawn mower and put it in his car. What he didn't realize is that the fuel mixture I use in my lawn mower would ruin his car engine. His dad says it's my fault and actually insists I should pay his pissant son's repair bill. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Falun

Today, my mom's dog saw a cat in our yard. I watched as he tried to jump at it, only to smack face-first into the window. He did this twice more before curling up on the floor and whimpering pitifully. When my mom came in and saw him there, and me laughing, she accused me of beating him. FML

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By MegahnDN - United States

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

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By Cnscott0205 - United States - Denver

Big one

Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML

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By depresso - Canada

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

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By thefrightening1 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church. The nice lady in charge told the kids, "Jesus died, but He rose to life again!" My 9 year old screamed, "LIKE A ZOMBIE!" FML

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By badmom - 2/8/2020 02:02

Zoom this, bitches!

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my fiancé only touches me when he wants to have sex. Any other contact is purely accidental. FML

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By jobless - United States - Groton

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

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By thathottchickk - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

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By Maryann - 19/3/2021 05:01

Word of the day

Today, my four year-old daughter asked me what the word “necrophilia” means. I have no idea where she even heard that. FML

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By bubbles - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By malnourishedstudent - United States - Palm Coast

Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML

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Top comments

By iFerret | 0

#691488 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:56

imagine how madonna's children feel

By perdix | 29

#691615 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:21

I hope you stopped looking before you got to the ones where grandma was sporting a Boston Pancake and a Dirty Sanchez.

COMMENTS

By kristol909 | 0

#691487 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:55

ewww.......

By iFerret | 0

#691488 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:56

imagine how madonna's children feel

sukhdeep | 4

#1023476 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 4:17

agreed 3

By shananigans | 0

#691495 - Friday 27 November 2009 22:57

...Well?

What did the outfit consist of?

By catfriend44 | 0

#691525 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:11

eeeeewwwwww

By nyuu1234 | 0

#691533 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:16

YDI for being a snoop

By Avenging_Angel | 0

#691550 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:28

Dude, with eavesdropping, be glad that's ALL you saw...

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5906192 - Sunday 6 April 2014 2:28

He was trying to figure out who left the camera. That's not really eavesdropping

By Laxloverr24 | 0

#691587 - Friday 27 November 2009 23:57

she could have been wearing nothing.

By perdix | 29

#691615 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:21

I hope you stopped looking before you got to the ones where grandma was sporting a Boston Pancake and a Dirty Sanchez.

QJD | 0

#699484 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 3:39

Do i want know what a Boston Pancake is?

By thesunwillshine3 | 0

#691620 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:25

haha. wooooohh granny :)

By babeyy | 0

#691627 - Saturday 28 November 2009 0:32

oh wowzerz u likd it don't lie lmao