Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I returned a friend's jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML
Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML
Today, my ex and I had sex. Afterwards, I cleaned myself with a t-shirt and left a huge sperm stain on the front of it. After that, my stepfather came home, so we left. As we were sitting in the car in front of the house, my stepfather left on a bicycle, wearing the t-shirt. Sunlight reflected off the stain. FML
Today, I threw all my clothes into the washer, including my favorite red hoodie. Apparently, I forgot a Kleenex in one of the pockets. I now own a wardrobe of pink, soggy tissue confetti-covered gunk. FML
Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML
Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML
Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML
Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML
Today, I did my laundry at a laundromat. When I came back to get my clothes, I found an elderly man wearing my favorite Joy Division t-shirt, and he refused to give it back because he said it was his. I spent a few minutes arguing with him, before realizing I had grabbed someone else's clothes too. FML
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Top comments
superhumangambit 4
And I returned your aunt... With **** stains.
jewwybeanzzz 10
Nasty!! D:
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Comments (158)
jewwybeanzzz 10
Nasty!! D:
LiyIa_fml 8
I don't think washing it once would be enough.
Michael_92 20
Nope something like this you would have to burn and then dispose of the ashes.
AKiDNamedJoHn 12
You sure your aunt isn't really your uncle?
reddawn1985 12
Are you sure it was **** It could of been hand sanitizer like in "Ted"
fbear10 5
13-id just throw it Away :p
gman90210 18
Was going to say your life sucks. But I guess your aunt does
TzHaar_Joh_Zuhai 4
Look at op's name
HollyDolly660 8
I did that to my friend's shirt once. They don't take it too well... Sorry OP. Make her buy you a new shirt. Something expensive and designer ;)
youaint 2
She definitely sucks but she obviously doesn't swallow!
cdelton22 3
It could've been mayonnaise, or milk and honey hand soap
tsk14 9
Sloppy
murlocholmes 5
Thank god I'm not the only one here disturbed by her aunts performance...
zandalee 20
Maybe your Aunt dribbled because she had her teeth out at the time, hence **** stains...
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Oh god whyyy....
Arrawyn 12
Yum
ydi_4_suking 20
you would find cum on your aunt delicious? not cool man
me234 7
I think they were being sarcastic.
thgiL 9
Either that flew right by you or you're trying to troll... My bets on the latter.
Arrawyn 12
Thank you 38. At least you understand that not every stranger is a creepo. I would've thought that more people would have heard of sarcasm before. Guess some haven't caught up with the rest of the world
ShyAnn29 15
It's hard to read sarcasm though
balla26 3
gotta read and interpret
superhumangambit 4
And I returned your aunt... With **** stains.
jetsown08 21
Damnit, does anybody got a method of removing **** stains from human skin?
superhumangambit 4
Shower.
kanggaru 2
uhh
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Money shot!
The_F3rris 11
Chlorine usually does the trick. Also bleach and acid.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
And fire.
Lizza330 28
I think she owes you a new shirt.
SkoomaKi 28
Time for a new favorite shirt. A moment of silence for the old favorite shirt, may it have a clean and untainted future life.
onlychildFTW 34
Yeah I'd be getting rid of that shirt. You'll always remember it with **** stains no matter how much you wash it and dry clean it.
uzairmacy 5
-Cleveland's voice- Ewww that's nassssty.
DocBastard 40
Why do people do this? Do you not have your own thoughts and your own voice?
uzairmacy 5
Just doing Cleveland's voice what's wrong with that.
DocBastard 40
Try an original thought rather than copying someone else's.
uzairmacy 5
Eww that's nasty. That's what I was thinking so I said it in Cleveland's voice because that adds to the funny-ness. What's FML for to be serious all the time?
kpopgirl24 6
Don't be a jerk 21
DocBastard 40
Who said anything about being serious? I just suggested making an original comment rather than something someone else said and has been repeated here hundreds of times. Kpopgirl - You think THAT was acting like a jerk? Stick around long enough and you'll see me REALLY act like an ass. Don't ******* tell me what to do. Oh, you didn't even have to wait that long.
biglittlehead 12
Wow Doc, I used to think you were funny, now I just think your a dick.
bones_17 5
I bet every one who read that, said it in his voice also.
ebonyirony 29
Hey I know this is gonna be thumbed down, but Doc, I read some of your blog and I really enjoyed it.
CoffeeChickBlows 13
biglittlehead - yeah, I'm sure DocBastard's gonna lose so much sleep because you think he's a dick. ROFL.
kpopgirl24 6
You may have suggested being original but the vibe I got from it was very jerk like . And don't be a hypocrite.
Taemie 0
I like your default 36. :D Kriiiiis~
uzairmacy 5
Holy shit full on online argument going on
kpopgirl24 6
Like your picture too minho~~ :)
lazyfoo92 4
giggity (had to say it lol)
ManInTheMachine 20
I hate it when people use words to try and sound smart and completely use them out of ******* context. Kpopgirl24-Either you have no idea what the **** a hypocrite is, or you skipped the second half of Doc's reply to you.
dominic1221 6
In this thread: a bunch of butthurt little ******* / meme-tards. Write your own material, folks.
noncom 12
#36 How dare you go against DocBastard's word! You must be tried for your heresy!
kpopgirl24 6
I did read the second half of his reply which is why i said what i said and I know exactly what a hypocrite is thank you very much so don't try to tell me I don't or I'm trying to sound smart . And yeah so what I told doc bastard don't. Be a jerk who cares their just a regular person like you and me .
ManInTheMachine 20
Hyp•o•crite: Function: Noun A person who acts in contradiction to their beliefs. As defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Now that you REALLY know the definition, could you kindly show me where Doc contradicted himself, thus making him a hypocrite? No? Please pay attention in English class. It's for your own good.
kpopgirl24 6
Well since you asked kindly he told me to not to tell him what to do so just take what you want from that and worship doc bastard ok? Oh and I do pay attention in English class not that it matters but I'm in ap English and get basically straight a's but I'm not a jerk who flaunts that type of thing
welandedonthemoo 5
You guys should loosen up that grip.
DocBastard 40
Kpopgirl - I've been here slightly longer than you, and I think you can see that a lot people tend to understand (though perhaps not appreciate) my blunt honesty. Telling me not to act like a jerk is like telling a tree to stop standing up so straight. It won't change a thing, but if it'll make you feel better, go right ahead.
kpopgirl24 6
Who's to say that you Have? And I didn't tell you not to act like a jerk I said don't be a jerk. There's a difference
DocBastard 40
Considering I've posted over 6000 comments and you've posted 7, I think it's safe to say I've been here longer and understand how this place works better. I've also been on the planet about 3 times longer than you have and I'm fairly set in my ways, so don't tell me how to be either. Notice I haven't told you to stop acting like an annoying little twit even though you're acting like an annoying little twit. Now stop arguing semantics with me, because I assure you that you will lose.
uzairmacy 5
I never asked for thumbs up. I wasn't like look at me I did this in Cleveland's voice THUMBS ME UP GUYS. "I" thought it was funny so I posted it. Now, why is it wrong for me to post a simple comment saying something that I thought was funny? I never asked for people to defend me and I sure as hell didn't ask people to call me a dumbass.
DocBastard 40
I never said it was wrong. I did, however, ask of you had anything original to say. That's it. I wasn't saying you're a bad person or that you aren't funny or that Cleveland isn't funny. But that "Cleveland voice" comment is almost as overused now as "shitty situation", and fortunately that one is almost dead. I'm simply trying to foster some creativity here.
SenselessPattern 12
This thread is a cluster ****.
onlychildFTW 34
Well that was all interesting to read. Doc has a point towards the comment. But I find this FML worked very well for the Cleveland comment because this one was ACTUALLY nasty. That's just my 2¢ worth though.
ManInTheMachine 20
Kpopgirl24(102)- Worship Doc? You're funny. You've resulted to calling me a fanboy because you're upset. Why does happen so often? Three things: -Someone telling you 'don't tell me what to do' isn't telling you what to do, it's making a statement. So you're still wrong, he isn't being a hypocrite. -Doc has nothing to do with our argument except for that fact that you're calling HIM a hypocrite. If it had been anyone else, this would've still happened. -Really? You're taking AP English? I'm not sure what kind of school you go to where a freshman immidiately goes into an AP class. I've been in honors English classes until this year, my junior year, when you're THEN allowed to take AP. So you've either skipped two grades or you're blowing hot air out of your ass.
Werken247 14
Well, I was going to finish reading this thread, but then I took an arrow to the knee.
kpopgirl24 6
I don't understand why people are still replying to me and a day has passed, I personally don't care anymore because I knew exactly what was going to happen when I said what I said and i have a right to express my opinion even if some people feel as though I'm acting like an annoying little twit and the fact that someone's posted more comments doesn't mean they've been here longer .
cdelton22 3
Wow u do sound like an ASSHOLE
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I'd honestly be appalled. That's really rude of her.
fbear10 5
Harry potter languaage ;p lol just kidding
missamazinggg 12
Because only Harry Potter uses those words.
DocBastard 40
Whew. That's a relief. I was so worried about your shirt. Now I can sleep at night knowing you got it back.
Hannahmgp 9
That's jizzgusting. Like disgusting, but with more ****.
flutter4 7
Funny :)
WiseGuy79 14
Lmao! 'Jizzgusting' has now been nominated for the word of the week award...
SqueakyChipmunk 22
But sadly, "Asshopper" will win.
Clayball 14
LOL. Good One!
xninix_fml 36
I nominate "ass hat"