Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my... - FML

By Amberain - 16/8/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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Serious times

Race against the clock

Risky business

By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 09:44 - New Zealand

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:03 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, the Salvation Army stationed one of their obnoxious bell-ringers in the mall right outside my store. My employees and I can wave goodbye to any form of sanity for the next month. FML

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By caqi33 - 8/3/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

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By NoFunForMe - 31/8/2015 16:27 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up. We were on a train next to each other for 6 hours, to a festival where our tents were pitched next to each other. We're here for 5 days. FML

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By horribleevening - 31/1/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

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By ReallyRyan? - 1/9/2018 06:00

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

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By thatonesilentkidinclass - 4/5/2013 08:11 - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 04:02 - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By troubled - 2/1/2010 20:27 - France

Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

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By btg - 6/2/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2012 20:04 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

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By JustLeaveThem - 25/1/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

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By RBEE - 12/12/2009 18:02 - France

Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML

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By sofargone420 - 29/7/2011 14:27 - United States

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

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By traumatized - 12/4/2014 18:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

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By thatisfuckedup - 13/6/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

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By Cantgetno - 20/9/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

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By tulisa - 21/2/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

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By Teeny - 9/3/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

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By Alice - 27/5/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 00:10 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

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By Samantha - 31/5/2009 12:44 - Singapore

Today, I turned 22. Instead of cutting my own cake, I stood by and smiled at a friend's belated birthday party. She celebrated her birthday two months ago. She decided to have her party on my birthday. No one remembered mine but everyone got her beautiful gifts. FML

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By not_very_smart - 24/7/2013 06:44 - United States

Today, it was so hot in the un-airconditioned gym that when I got up off the floor, I slipped in my own pool of sweat and got a concussion. FML

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By fastfoodslave - 6/9/2014 06:11 - United States - Northampton

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman returned to the drive thru because her fries weren't hot enough. She was so angry about coming back that she threw her cold fries at me through the window and told me to "choke on them." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my mom found a box full of stuff she had been looking for. She starts going through it and finds baby pictures of my sister and I as well as pictures of the cats. She puts my baby pictures back in the box and closes the lid. The cat pictures are now hanging in her living room. FML

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By aprilfools22 - 17/8/2011 08:13 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By Motionless - 26/5/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

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By Reihna - 15/10/2012 13:10 - United States - Marion

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

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By flurina - 18/12/2009 20:44 - Canada

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

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By kat124ever - 7/1/2013 08:35 - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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By ottawaaa - 27/1/2009 22:26 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

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By dogshavenipples - 2/6/2010 23:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 07:32 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister sent me countless pictures of my boyfriend making out with different girls at a bar. His excuse? Photoshop. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 05:44 - United States

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

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By Today - 29/9/2019 16:08

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 22:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 02:59 - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

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By Marlon - 11/12/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

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Top comments

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4822305 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:00

The horniness is strong with this one.

By 4rmMiami | 4

#4822297 - Thursday 16 August 2012 18:59

May the force be with you

COMMENTS

By 4rmMiami | 4

#4822297 - Thursday 16 August 2012 18:59

May the force be with you

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#4822336 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:02

OP, At least he didn't say he was your father...

Reply

ebonyirony | 29

#4822346 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:03

11, you're still on the first page, why not leave a comment without it being a reply?

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#4822383 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:07

Oh you're right :D silly me.

Reply

MelTheGreat | 23

#4822392 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:09

And your boobs.

Reply

BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#4822581 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:43

Motorboat you, he did!

Reply

TBelle4Ever | 15

#4822704 - Thursday 16 August 2012 20:12

The breasts are large in this one!

Reply

ntd309 | 14

#4822732 - Thursday 16 August 2012 20:18

Did he take out his light saber too?

Reply

JFurr | 9

#4822769 - Thursday 16 August 2012 20:32

11-I have never once seem you actually reply to something. I'm not one to shout, "threat jacker" but at least make an attempt to look like you're trying to tie something in to your reply. Otherwise, it looks like you're just trying to be seen and thumbed.

Reply

LiyIa_fml | 8

#4822841 - Thursday 16 August 2012 20:55

In my opinion OPs boyfriend sounds awesome!

Reply

ridermntn | 0

#4822951 - Thursday 16 August 2012 21:37

kkkk

Reply

lazyfoo92 | 4

#4822967 - Thursday 16 August 2012 21:42

idiots you are.

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#4823127 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:25

76 - I'd like to point out that he isn't "trying", he's "succeeding".
Don't worry; I hate thread jackets, too.

By thescootles | 6

#4822301 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:00

Sry that sucks OP

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4822540 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:33

I'm sry too.

Leik if u cry evrytime.

Reply

Grimmerie | 31

#4822721 - Thursday 16 August 2012 20:14

I luv yur coment ... 5eva.

Reply

flutter4 | 7

#4822920 - Thursday 16 August 2012 21:30

It doesn't suck. It only shows that her boyfriend has a good personality.

Reply

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#4823080 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:14

2 Your spelling sucks. I feel sry for you.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4822305 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:00

The horniness is strong with this one.

Reply

dashizam | 10

#4822859 - Thursday 16 August 2012 21:02

Yeah, and what's the dark side? *ba dum tss*

Reply

Kefka91 | 15

#4822934 - Thursday 16 August 2012 21:34

92- Silly Dashizam, rim shots are for funny jokes.

By FrostHeart | 36

#4822325 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:01

May the force help you...

By ebonyirony | 29

#4822327 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:01

As long as your name is Amber, laugh along.

Reply

Awahso | 25

#4822480 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:20

Unrelated to the FML, but your picture made my day.

Reply

TRUFREEDOM | 1

#4823115 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:24

Go

Reply

XtraEzeee | 8

#4823117 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:24

You must have had one terrible day then.

By MindFreakazoid | 10

#4822329 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:01

I like your boyfriend :3

Reply

midoridoll | 3

#4822405 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:10

THERE AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A PEWDIEPIE PARTY.

Reply

MindFreakazoid | 10

#4822449 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:15

25 - You know it, my bro!

By Warden1986 | 16

#4822330 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:01

At least he didn't call you Luke and say he's your father. Then that would be really weird.

By jetsown08 | 21

#4822332 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:01

It's better than speaking like Yoda and saying "Suck you tits, I shall", don't you think?

Reply

kaikai234 | 4

#4822601 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:48

Epic

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#4822748 - Thursday 16 August 2012 20:27

wouldn't it be "suck your tits, I shall"?

Reply

ambear26 | 14

#4822927 - Thursday 16 August 2012 21:32

Lol 72- your picture is amazing!

Reply

purplebumblebee | 2

#4823119 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:24

And 103- your picture sucks

By xJackson | 1

#4822334 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:02

The emperor will never approve of this! Contact him immediately!

By Archay | 13

#4822338 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:02

I thought " shirt " was " skirt " for a moment, scarring image.

Reply

thatonename | 7

#4822488 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:22

Especially if there was an echo...

Reply

mrshutcherson123 | 3

#4822660 - Thursday 16 August 2012 20:02

Haha I did to!