By Anonymous

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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Family values

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Last dates

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was worried about passing an exam, so I hid a note under my skirt. When the guy next to me was finished, I had to get up so he could leave. With no time to hide the note, I stood in front of the entire class, hand over my crotch, looking as if I had to pee. FML

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By kacysospacyy - United States

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his fifteen year old daughter, the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Nice try

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to meet the girl he has been cheating on me with. He thinks it makes the cheating more understandable if I see how 'hot' she is. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 20:01

Childlike

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

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By reginaphalange - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

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By badcomparison - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I was at Bath and Body Works with a friend of mine. She wanted me to smell a particular lotion and when she brought it up to my nose, she squeezed the bottle and lotion went all over my face. Right after, a worker came by and commented how the lotion "got a little too excited". FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

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By LocallyBrewed - United States

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time, 29 years into my life. They turned out to be two of the most pathetic people I have ever met, and the meeting ended after they asked me to lend them money because I "literally owe them my life." FML

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By awskme - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

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By Wolf

Gangsta

Today, I went to my local bank after getting an email from them concerning unknown purchases. Four hours later, I was still in police custody. Someone had been using my account to purchase guns and drugs. FML

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By Anonymous

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

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By farf

Today, I received 46 emails from co-workers who were using reply-all to tell everyone else not to use reply-all. FML

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By bigmozwoman - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

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By Greg - United States

Today, I talked to a girl on the phone who had previously told me her last relationship "ended very badly." I said, "So let me guess, that jerk cheated on you?" She paused for a few moments and finally replied, "No, he died in a motorcycle accident." FML

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By JJ - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

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By Nemo

Today, I got an e-mail from a company saying that I would not be a good fit for them. Strangely, it's quite similar to an e-mail they sent me last month. And the month before. They aren't generated e-mails, each one is different. They just e-mail me every month to remind me that I suck. FML

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By HarryBeast - Canada

Today, I pulled out three chips from a bag. There were two round ones, and a skinny one, making it look like a penis. I laughed. I'm 33. FML

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By Shamu - United States

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

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By lamesauce - Canada

Today, I went on a coffee date with a guy I'm interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl. FML

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By marlow - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

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By Jill - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol FML

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By GetFuzzy

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By chris - United States

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By Juju Bear - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What time is it? Did the neighbours start drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML

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By PlaneGuy - Reunion - Saint-denis

Today, I was on a plane and a cute girl was getting ready to sit down beside me, but upon making eye contact, she asked to switch seats. FML

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By DQB - Canada

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML

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By youreajoker - Australia

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After several minutes of me freaking out and him explaining how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was the best thus far. FML

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By idiotwithaface - United States

Today, I recently graduated from highschool and I went to a college party. I met these girls and told them I graduated college already, to sound cool. I then heard one of them say "I went to middle school with you, and I was in your math class." FML

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By rackman007 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

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By RIP - United States

Today, my mom came over to me and whispered something in my ear. I didn't hear it and assumed it was a joke, so I started laughing. Turns out my aunt died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

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By furred - Philippines

Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML

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By UnemployedGrad - United States

Today, I was offered a position as a school crossing guard. I have a $200,000 degree in Economics from a top 20 University and was offered a position to hold a stop sign and wear a reflective vest. I was tempted to accept. FML

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By catlover - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By Jesusman

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7672735 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 15:45

Let's hope it wasn't your brother's jizz.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7693730 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:11

Hope you don’t get pregnant, or an STI!

COMMENTS

By interesting33 | 36

#7672492 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 3:37

ahem.... EWWWWWWWWWW!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7672735 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 15:45

Let's hope it wasn't your brother's jizz.

Reply

nubs | 22

#7693761 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:24

That thought added a whole new level of ewwwwww to this ...

By real life problems | 26

#7693729 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7693744 - Saturday 15 September 2018 7:17

It’s totally not the pubic hair’s fault. And also, humans have pubic hair for a reason. We didn’t just grow hair there just for fun.

Reply

saberjpg | 6

#7693882 - Saturday 15 September 2018 15:37

And what would that reason be?

Reply

ThatGuy9679 | 13

#7694093 - Sunday 16 September 2018 2:19

why don't you take a seat over there?

Reply

Xavia91 | 4

#7707930 - Friday 12 October 2018 22:16

all those people who can't take a joke <.<

By RichardPencil | 29

#7693730 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:11

Hope you don’t get pregnant, or an STI!

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7693731 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:14

I have an STi too, except mine is all wheel drive and has 305hp 😂

Reply

Marta Perlicka | 13

#7693774 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:57

Since op said that it was “crusty” I don’t think that she can get pregnant off of dry semen, but I still would suggest going to get tested for STI.

By Nikki K | 10

#7693732 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:14

this has all sorts of "amateur porn" written on it .

Reply

nubs | 22

#7693766 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:36

How so? 👀

By pinksox | 9

#7693733 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:20

What’s pubic hair?

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7693735 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:27

You'll experience it in a few years

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7693736 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:51

You're too young for this app.

Reply

emh86 | 14

#7693741 - Saturday 15 September 2018 7:12

You’ll find out. And you’ll grow to hate it

Reply

pinksox | 9

#7693742 - Saturday 15 September 2018 7:12

Geez I didn’t know everyone was gonna take this seriously

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7693737 - Saturday 15 September 2018 6:53

Did you enjoy bathing in bleach after that experience?

By blightsight | 10

#7693745 - Saturday 15 September 2018 7:27

Too bad you can't create your own spunk, girly

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7693768 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:39

Calm down, it's just a prank, bro!

By poururheartout | 17

#7693822 - Saturday 15 September 2018 11:56

I don’t think there has ever been a better time for someone to get a bikini wax