Miscellaneous: Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll...

By - 21/10/2013 16:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 597

You deserved it 4 594

Miscellaneous

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Dysfunctional

Sudarsky's gas giant classification

By imalwaystired - 21/01/2010 20:20 - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 325

You deserved it 7 608

By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - 08/06/2013 00:16 - United States - Everett

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 117

You deserved it 4 865

By Kelso - 06/02/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 400

You deserved it 2 513

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - 12/07/2020 05:01

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 438

You deserved it 172

By "jonnybones223" - 08/03/2019 04:00

Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 165

You deserved it 199

Scaredy cats

By Clauric - 03/05/2016 15:15

Today, I found out my 35 year-old brother got divorced 18 months ago when my now ex-sister-in-law told me via Facebook messenger, and asked me to tell my parents, as both of them were too scared to do it themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 250

You deserved it 874

By not getting any anymore - 22/02/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 282

You deserved it 7 811

By Ashley Youngman - 16/06/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 1 143

By Bestfrienduncool - 30/09/2010 05:11 - France

Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 693

You deserved it 2 658

By cmondude - 18/09/2018 15:30

Today, I was finally cast in my high school play. As Violet. The gum chewer who turns into a blueberry. Does my instructor not know I'm a guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 499

You deserved it 322

By tirf - 09/02/2015 22:58

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 807

You deserved it 11 010

By bloody_hell - 15/01/2015 02:18 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I was faced with the inevitable horrible circumstances which lead me to put in a tampon on a moving city bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 536

You deserved it 5 215

Mixup

By Anonymous - 06/11/2021 23:00

Today, I had to Doordash lunch, due to an important work meeting in another timezone running incredibly long. I was trying to play it cool but I was starving. Finally, I get the notification that the food had been dropped off. I looked at the picture: it was delivered to my house instead of my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 370

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 23:56 - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 140

You deserved it 41 988

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 945

You deserved it 6 998

By gs - 19/09/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 007

You deserved it 2 192

By Nile - 08/12/2015 17:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 802

You deserved it 2 821

By Embarrassed - 11/02/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 110

You deserved it 17 622

By creepedoutlady - 16/08/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 488

You deserved it 3 934

How kind...

By NoThanks - 11/05/2018 01:30

Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 321

You deserved it 304

By not a dumbass pothead - 08/04/2014 22:04 - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 778

You deserved it 46 602

Frenemies 2

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 17:59

Today, my old frenemy told me she married my college boyfriend who made a fortune during the early days of Bitcoin. They have no kids, a massive house, retired when they were 45 and are moving to their retirement villa in Hawaii. I'm divorced and on benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a show with my drama group. My mom isn't a good drunk, she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through. She was in the front row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 294

You deserved it 2 681

By Tipless - 07/11/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was working as a Valet driver. After getting no customers for 5 hours in the pouring rain, a woman driving by stops and asks me for directions. Before leaving, she said, "I should probably tip you for that, since that's probably the only money you'd get all night." She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 861

You deserved it 2 452

By noononononono - 21/12/2015 23:52 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 127

You deserved it 1 692

Company ink

By DoubleCrossed - 21/08/2021 18:01

Today, my boyfriend, who is also my coworker, broke up with me. I agreed to stay professional and civil with him during our work hours. However, he decided to report me for "sexual harassment" and "stalking." He showed them the "evidence." I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 188

You deserved it 126

By CrapDay - 18/01/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 120

You deserved it 1 757

By Evalynne - 06/04/2013 12:55 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 752

You deserved it 21 788

By csully - 10/01/2009 06:34 - France

Today, I made some popcorn. Returning to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, I realized I was supposed to put a cover on the saucepan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 152

You deserved it 26 677

Butterface

By khfhjfsb - 05/02/2014 00:41 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 919

You deserved it 22 491

Ring of fire

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 20:01

Today, after a particularly nasty shit, I decided to do one extra pass with a diaper wipe. What I didn't realize was that my wife had refilled the normal container with a pack of Clorox wipes by mistake. My asshole has never burned so fiercely in my 30+ years of life as it did in those following moments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 378

You deserved it 161

Who are you?

By forgotten - 02/10/2009 07:46 - United Kingdom

Today, being the nice grandchild that I am, I went to visit my grandmother. She didn't recognise who I was. I thought she was joking. She later called the police as, "Some weirdo had walked into her house." I'm that weirdo; she wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 419

You deserved it 2 816

By alynn - 29/05/2009 13:59 - United States

Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 670

You deserved it 7 979

By Lisa - 24/09/2018 14:33

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 517

You deserved it 237

By Carpet cleaner - 21/02/2012 02:15 - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 2 654

By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 17:30

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 211

By ositsranielle - 13/02/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 159

You deserved it 8 169

By Elizabeth Ann - 10/05/2019 23:00

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 805

You deserved it 210

By southernpride93 - 18/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident and hit my head on the dash. I now have huge, very sore knot on my head. My boyfriend now takes every opportunity to poke it and scream "Look! A baby unicorn!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 305

You deserved it 4 170

Poor good boy

By they don’t die they multiply - 16/11/2021 08:02

Today, after an emergency, my sister’s kids had to spend the night at my house. While I was asleep, they absolutely trashed my place top to bottom. In the morning my sister came in, said, “Wow, what a mess! Bye!” without offering to help clean up or make her kids do it. They drew on my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 318

You deserved it 138

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Top comments

Welshite 39

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:52

My special hiding spot is in my stomach. No one ever finds my chocolate.

hessel 13

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:51

make chocolate cookies. win win

hessel 13

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:51

make chocolate cookies. win win

michaelaranda 28

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:37

but the wrappers probably melted too.

ImmaEatYouXx 10

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:55

Mm... Toasted Chocolate...

Zazoo1995 23

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 23:36

OP You dumba**, you're ALWAYS supposed to open the oven and check before you preheat... Baking 101

himwiththeface 17

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:51

what a great spot

LanceGoodthrust 19

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:40

I hope I never even hear about my mom's "special spot."

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 2:44

Indeed, Mr Goodthrust.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 6:41

This thread made me gag.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 6:42

In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of words.

Dr_Awesome654 24

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Thursday 7 July 2016 6:24

I laughed waaaay too hard when I read that

Welshite 39

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:52

My special hiding spot is in my stomach. No one ever finds my chocolate.

Welshite 39

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Monday 21 October 2013 22:09

What's wrong with leftovers?

evan_7899 28

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Monday 21 October 2013 22:13

From one kind of chocolate to another, I don't see a problem

saraitkddh 47

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 0:28

it's mine too!

obnum 19

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 1:00

Darn it! I knew I should've looked there!

LowExpectations 30

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 1:09

Hey #4, ever been tied to a chair while a guy in a ski mask dances around you with a dull key hole saw while listening to Huey Lewis? I'm getting me some chocolate.

Riku714 25

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 13:18

Except the tapeworms

julako 22

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:54

your mom's incredibly sweet!

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Monday 21 October 2013 22:58

Not really...

Shootermtd25 7

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:58

Boooooooooooo Try again

sophienzstein 12

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:55

Canadians.

davidpropert 32

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:42

I don't understand this comment... Not at all

Infamous_Tora 12

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:49

Its a prejudice spin-off of "Americans" If he is American by no means does he represent all of us.

ImmaEatYouXx 10

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:57

Sophienzsteins. *sigh*

DocBastard 38

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:56

Why the hell does your mother hide the chocolate? Doesn't she realise that makes it harder to eat? Unless it's white chocolate. That isn't even chocolate. Fuck that shit.

Welshite 39

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:57

Dark chocolate is like a gift from the gods.

DocBastard 38

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:58

You're damn right it is.

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:05

Oh the discrimination. Oh the irony.

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:11

I'm missing both the discrimination and the irony... We're talking about chocolate, right?

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:17

Yes, I mean chocolate. It was a train of thought joke. Figured it would be down-voted anyway.

Silvinomiae 20

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:21

No. The talk is about religion now. Delicious religion.

Ramanella 26

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 2:27

Oh hell no! Dark chocolate was sent from the deepest pits of hell for old people to give, also mixing it with everything you can think of from nature! White chocolate was sent from the heavens to mix well with milk chocolate!

BradyT918 9

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 7:26

Dark chocolate isn't LIKE a gift from The Lord. It IS a gift from God. And white chocolate is actually bad for you.

spiritfang11237 16

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 13:34

So Dark chocolate is from heaven and white chocolate is from hell? So dark chocolate is heaven-sent and white chocolate is sinfully good? Where does milk chocolate come from. Mmmm....chocolate

SlapAndTickle 20

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 14:13

#109 Have a seat on my lap and I shall tell you the secret of milk chocolate. See, when one dark chocolate likes a white chocolate...

stephers444 17

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:57

I hope all the chocolate didn't melt and get ruined. If it did then what a waste of perfectly good chocolate.

laden_swallow09 34

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Monday 21 October 2013 22:28

Think about it: OP preheated the oven. Preheated. That means it had to have been around 250°F before she realized what was going on. Chocolate melts at 86°. That's why it melts when you hold it in your hand too long. Blind idealism never helped anybody. So, yes, it was a waste of perfectly good chocolate.

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Monday 21 October 2013 22:55

Exactly how much of the FML did you read?

BriMan83 7

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 10:27

Please marry rich, because you sure as hell won't be making money from your intelligence.

JosephMoore77 8

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:58

Your mom doesn't sound like the brightest person, though mine isn't either

\ 28

Monday 21 October 2013 22:28

OP's mom is a Derpasaurus. Who stores chocolate in an oven? Might as well keep a raw turkey in there too.

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 21 October 2013 23:13

Someone who thinks the oven NEVER gets used. It's a slam on OPs cooking skills, or perceived lack, thereof.

Paradoxxxx 16

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Monday 21 October 2013 21:58

That's a pretty sweet hiding spot lol i'd never think to check there

jerryj 27

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Tuesday 22 October 2013 5:34

I doubt many people would have looked in there. Lucky it was Halloween and the goods were chocolate. Imagine if it were Christmas or a birthday. Melted ps4 or kitten anyone?