Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had... - FML

By impatient amy - 27/1/2009 14:23 - Ireland

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

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Great boyfriend

Yappy neighborhood

Assumptions

By Sally - 26/1/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 12:19 - Netherlands

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

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By Cheating - 27/1/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By AAA guy - 4/2/2015 16:02 - United States

Today, while on the job I accidentally locked my keys and all of my equipment in the car. I work for the AAA. FML

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By Malarky - 23/6/2016 19:10 - United States

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 00:59 - United States

Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML

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By thelarkscaw - 15/6/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

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By MiniJeans - 30/4/2015 02:25 - United States - Casselberry

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

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By fmylife117 - 17/2/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML

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By SmallTownCutie - 29/5/2019 04:13

Today, I finally broke down and told my mom that I'd relapsed with my eating disorder. She told me to quit whining and eat a burger, because she didn't want to pay for another therapy session. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

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By One Angry Vegan - 3/6/2017 12:00

Today, marks 2 weeks since I got Oral Allergy Syndrome, a.k.a. randomly becoming allergic to apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, mangos, carrots, celery, beets, sunflower seeds, fennel, my toothpaste, and more things I just haven't tried yet. I'm vegan. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2012 13:59 - United States

Today, I was playing with my four year old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML

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By it's shitty, yeah, stfu - 7/3/2013 17:10 - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

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By Troy - 3/4/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

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By pinkXpress1023 - 8/7/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 15:24 - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

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By cargaljen - 21/10/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

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By liar liar plants for hire - 3/8/2020 23:01

Season finale

Today, thanks to traveling restrictions being lifted, I was finally able to go visit the guy I've been chatting with online for the past year. When we met it was like a TV show, well more like three shows: Catfish, Hoarders and My 600lbs life. Turns out he had his neighbor video chat me all along. FML

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By Enrique - 7/2/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

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By 1fungi - 7/12/2010 05:25

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 20:53 - United States

Today, I discovered my step mom had thrown out my baby blanket because it was an "eyesore". It was an heirloom from my birth mother and the only thing I have left from her. FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner - 26/9/2018 05:00

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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By ShowerheadGirl - 9/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable showerhead. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, 'You too?' FML

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By Alicia - 13/5/2010 22:49 - United States

Today, my friends and I had a long fun day at the river. That was until sundown. I now have mosquito bites in places you don't want to know. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at halloween costumes online for this years halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Noname - 8/3/2009 13:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my brother had his fiancée over to meet the whole family. We were having a great time with her, and my mother gushed to her that she was like the daughter she never had. I'm her daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 23:50 - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By ostfae - 21/8/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

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By h - 20/12/2018 00:00

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

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By Muralove - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By cdoyle - 8/4/2009 12:32 - Canada

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand in his boxers, he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 22:00

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By Fmyhair - 27/4/2009 18:39 - Norway

Today, I colored my hair. It was supposed to turn out blonde, but it became more a mix of red and brown and blonde patches. When I tried coloring everything back, a green tint was added. My hair is at the moment red, brown, blonde and green. FML

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Top comments

By BrEnNo1023 | 5

#503732 - Friday 21 August 2009 3:31

toilets just can't seem to cope with people's bowels these days. Fuck our toilets' lives

By dioxyde420 | 0

#998265 - Thursday 20 May 2010 2:29

Wow that's some funny shit!!

pun intended.

COMMENTS

By Bruno_fml | 0

#14608 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 18:59

Although that does suck, I said it was your fault because you let it overflow. A simple solution is to turn off the water - the little knobs under the toilet.

Reply

Cjlovesyou | 0

#4543611 - Saturday 9 June 2012 14:51

She probably didn't know they were there in the first place?

By FuckmyPanties | 0

#56968 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 3:57

awww fail

By 123sploosh | 0

#493958 - Monday 17 August 2009 18:30

awwww

By BrEnNo1023 | 5

#503732 - Friday 21 August 2009 3:31

toilets just can't seem to cope with people's bowels these days. Fuck our toilets' lives

By dioxyde420 | 0

#998265 - Thursday 20 May 2010 2:29

Wow that's some funny shit!!

pun intended.

By UnluckyChicka | 0

#1401204 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 1:00

awww I'm sorry. that really sux, when I met my boyfriends parents my mom showed up and showed them the tan line on my ass

By alexiiiiis09 | 0

#1833230 - Sunday 12 December 2010 14:53

the toilet couldn't take your shit anymore:(

By Ladin | 0

#1902878 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 9:41

Haha awee I feel bad for you! But this did make my morning so thank you :)

By phuckejiu | 3

#2802656 - Saturday 2 July 2011 5:12

awesome

By taternuts | 0

#3281495 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 6:39

half an hour? you must have really punished that thing, no wonder it struggled with the load