Today, I tried to reconnect with my high school sweetheart, or so I thought. When I called and told her who I was, she laughed and said, “Look dude, I was so depressed in high school, I fucked half the school as a form of self harm!” and hung up. I was so in love, and lost my virginity to her. FML
Today, I told my ultra-Catholic mother that I was hanging out with a girl. While walking out of the flat, I didn't realize that I'd dropped one of my condoms out of my pocket. My mother saw it and ripped it apart, then yelled at me that, "Sex is for having children! You're giving yourselves to Satan!" I'm 20. FML
Today, I’m confined to a wheelchair since being paralyzed from the waist down due to an accident. My husband rubbed salt in the wound by sleeping with another woman, because he "has needs.” He had the cheek to call me “selfish” for being angry at him. FML
Today, after my poly relationship with a married couple ended, I found out that the wife is blaming me for their divorce. To avoid embarrassment She told everyone around town, including my employer, that I’m a homewrecker. Nevermind SHE’S the one who introduced me and ASKED me to be their third. FML
Today, I received a call from my employer. They found that some of my nudes have surfaced on the internet. Personal nudes and videos I took exclusively for my boyfriend. He denies he put them out there. Then who did? How stupid does he think I am? FML
Today, I realised my sex drive has improved massively since I started fantasising about Bruno from Encanto on the regular. I thought my lack of appetite was because of my mental health issues. Apparently not. FML
Today, I broke my ankle jumping from a second story window. Turns out, the person my girlfriend has saved in her phone as "Mom" is her very jealous and “estranged” husband, who apparently knew about me, and was waiting on the opportunity to catch us. She giggled as I jumped out the window. FML
Today, I went to check why my eyelash lady never replied to my message from two days ago, asking about an appointment, only to see that I apparently accidentally sent her 15 picture messages of nudes I took for my fiancé. No wonder she didn’t reply. FML
Today, my husband wants to leave me because I’m “taking too long” to recover from my C-section and he’s “tired of jerking off.” His logic is that he recovered in 6 weeks after he got 12 stitches on his leg, and, “I’ll be fine.” FML
Today, I accidentally sharted during sex with a guy I’ve been seeing. I was seriously embarrassed, but he was excited about “new territory we can explore together.” FML
Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML
Today, as my date and I were climbing into bed, she casually mentioned she’s never had an anonymous one night stand before. We work in the same office; that’s where we met. Apparently, I was always under her radar, and she assumed I was a customer instead of her coworker of two years. FML
Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML
Today, my horror movie-obsessed girlfriend hit a new level of crazy when she asked me to dress up as Ghostface during sex. FML
Today, I’m in the hospital with a broken leg and a bruised left backside, because my boyfriend’s wife came home earlier than expected from work and my only escape was from the second story window. Turns out, plastic trash cans are not very cushion-y. FML
Today, my husband has shown more love and affection to our new kitten in the last week than he has to me. That cat sits on his lap more than I do. I’m a 26 year-old woman, I have needs, dammit. The cat is literally sitting on and blocking access to what I want most on a Friday night. FML
Today, I had to pay an exorbitant fee to get my drain unblocked. It turns out it was about a million condoms. My son just got his first serious girlfriend and apparently instead of throwing them in the bin, he flushes their used condoms down the toilet. I’m gonna kill him. FML
Today, I'm so confused. My husband had a vasectomy years ago, yet a bunch of symptoms and five pregnancy tests all say I’m pregnant. I’ve never cheated on him, but if a baby suddenly appears, there’s no way he won’t think I’m a cheater. FML
Today, the closest I came to doing something that could be vaguely construed as "constructive" was wanking and crying. Sometimes simultaneously. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML
Today, I'm on my period and super bloated. My husband laid down next to me and said, "Hey pretty lady, wanna have a good time? Let me stick my pin in and let some of that air out", then made a deflating noise with a hand movement. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has an online blog that he updates every time we have sex. It’s ridiculously detailed, right down to the slight difference in the pink of my vagina and the slightly darker pink of my asshole. He's a dead man when he gets home from work. FML
Today, I asked my wife for a threesome to spice up our sex life. Her exact response to me was, “The only threesome we should be having is between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” I'll take that as a “No.” FML
Today, my father won't let me sleep in the same bed as my fiancée, because, "God dislikes indecent things." I've been with my fiancée for over 5 years. My father came to live with us months ago, because his now ex-wife sacked him for cheating on her and scamming her. FML
Today, after I confessed my feelings towards my long time crush two weeks ago and was rejected, he messaged me asking for a quick fuck, with no strings attached. I guess that’s all I am good for now. FML
Today, my brother woke me up by hitting me in the face with a rubber dildo. FML
Today, I seemingly have the perfect life. A clean house, a car, two well behaved kids, and stability in every way. I'm also quite good looking, with a good body and health. It's like out of a sitcom/postcard. The only catch is that my husband has literally zero libido and won't have sex with me. FML
Today, I got bored while studying, so I sent my boyfriend a couple of topless pics of me doing my calculus homework. I captioned them, “Who says nerds can’t be sexy?” with hearts and wink emojis. Too bad I sent the last one to my tutor instead of my man. Whoops. FML
Today, after many years of denial and avoidance, I've come to accept the fact that I'm one of those people who are turned on by furry adult art. FML
Today, I was having some sexy time with my boyfriend, when suddenly he jumped out of the bed, screaming. Not having my glasses on, it took me few seconds to understand that a voyeurist cockroach was in the bed with us. FML
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