Double standards

By onlywantuanyway - 05/09/2014 22:59

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML
I agree, your life sucks 53 816
You deserved it 8 266

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Top comments

and why would you still stay with him?

My favorite double standard..


My favorite double standard..

I've never understood open relationships. Doesn't you both seeing other people make it not a relationship. Although not the case in this situation, you're still only seeing him. So I guess it kinda works here.

Just because you don't understand open relationships does not mean that it cannot be a valid choice for another person, #27. As long as both partners agree and are happy with it, it's actually not really your business how they handle their love lives.

Someone is a dick... Cough. #30. Cough.

I'm just tired of people devaluing open relationships just because they don't feel that it would be a choice for them. It's completely fine to want a strictly monogamous relationship, but to actually say that couples that may be perfectly happy with their lifestyles don't deserve to say they're in a relationship makes me mad. I know a couple that has been together for six years, lived together for three, owns a dog and even considers getting married soon. Are you honestly telling me they're not actually together just because they have a different attitude towards sex than you do?

So he is Mormon?

So they're going to get married and continue to sleep with other people? That kinda defeats the point of marriage a little don't ya think?

30,67 - I understand your point except that you're freaking out on 27 when he wasn't judging anybody. All 27 said was that he didn't understand it because (to him) it seemed like their was no relationship. In no way was he judging other people for having an open relationship, just explaining that it doesn't make much sense to him. I think it would've been more appropriate if you explained why you thought an open relationship is still a relationship, or maybe explained how the relationship works instead of just yelling at him.

They want to get married because of the tax breaks, actually. It's the financially smart choice since they're confident that they're not ever going to get divorced, having lived together for a few years and sharing their responsibilities. Since I don't actually watch what they get up to in their bedrooms, they pretty much behave like any other couple I know around me and my friends. Why shouldn't they get married? I mean, even if you don't want to be pragmatic and look at the romantic side of marriage, it's supposed to be about love, not sex.

I am kind of with 27 and I don't think she meant anything bad by her comment... She just doesn't get it or understand it... But she didn't say nobody else could choose it for themselves. I feel a similar way, I can't fathom being in an "open" relationship at all... I don't get why anyone would want to, just from my personal perspective it doesn't sound like fun, but to each his own.... Go for what makes you happy in life.

You guys should write books.

I'm married and in an open relationship. We have sex with other people but when it comes right down to it him and I are in a relationship. I'm not in a relationship with anyone else. He's the one I come home to every day, tell I love, share my hopes, my dreams, and my ambitions with. We work together to create a life for each other. That is how my open relationship works.

just for tax breaks? So basically they are making a mockery of the whole point of marriage, "FORESAKING ALL OTHERS".

You think if OP gets a dog she'll be happy? Maybe her future ex will think he can share the poor creature too

They should definitely have a baby. That would solve all their problems.

Marriage isn't some huge honorable holy thing that needs safeguarded or reveled over anymore. It is nothing more than a legally binding document.... a piece of paper. This is coming from someone who is happily married and very much In love, but sees it for what it is. If you want an official piece of paper from some random guy saying you're a couple, get married. What another married couple does isn't any of my business and it sure as hell doesn't affect or de-value MY marriage, or yours. I wish people would stop thinking like that. What's next, people thinking that gay people make a mockery of marriage??? Oh, wait......

148, marriage is what you make it. If you want to see it as a piece of paper with no meaning, go ahead. But it can be valued and sacred if you want it to be. Saying it's not doesn't make it a fact, that's just your opinion.

Marriage is still an important and serious matter, and should still be taken as such. Granted, two people can be committed without it, but I suppose the most accurate way to say I look at it is almost as a celebration of two people's commitment for one another. The reason it is being so devalued today is that relationships, and in general commitment, are not particularly taken seriously anymore.

I believe that was 148's point. His marriage may be sacred to him, but marriage as an institution isn't sacred on the face of it anymore. what happens in my marriage does not affect the quality or meaning of his marriage. Gay marriage does not affect the meaning of his marriage. Open marriage does not affect the meaning of his marriage. Within any relationship the marriage may be sacred, but "marriage" as an institution is no longer sacred. If marriage is only a religious institution, the it may be sacred, but once it becomes a government contract, and comes with tax breaks and a host of other benefits, it becomes a secular institution.

Open relationships, technically, are polysexual (is that the right word?) relationships.

No. Polysexual is the attraction to more than one sex. Most people use the word pansexual instead. The word you are looking for is polyamorous, but polyamorous only defines one kind of open relationship. At the most basic levels, open relationships are divided into 2 groups. Polyamorous and swinging. Swingers tend to allow for meaningless sex outside of the primary couple, but do not want or allow for multiple romantic or emotional connections. Poly relationships generally are okay with sex, but the emotional connection is the primary motivation. (multiple long term relationships rather than simply sex) There are many ways to do both swinging and poly, and each relationship is going to have it's own set of rules, conditions, and terminology.

Oh okay, i think i understand, an open relationship is the same as a regular relationship only minus the faithfulness and loyalty? Sounds about right.

#216 Actually, there is just as much faith and commitment, if not more in polyamorous relationships. Loyalty is not defined as staying with a single person so much as remaining faithful to the boundaries set before you.

216, you can still be unfaithful in an open relationship, just not in the way you expect. For example, cheating can still happen, such as if you don't tell your partner about an encounter, or if you're hiding a developing love interest from them. My loved one and I have both agreed that IF an open relationship happened between us, we wouldn't get in a romantic relationship with anyone else, and we come home to each other. He could still question me if I, say example, lie to him about where I am, and what I'm doing, or if I don't come home that night without a valid reason. Open relationships aren't for everyone. I don't personally know how I could cope with it, but I trust him to stay truthful, as he does for me. I know this is an older FML, but I wanted to say something.

and why would you still stay with him?

Stupidity and not knowing when she is being used, that's the only reason I can see.

For the D, my niggas

About half the people on this planet have the D. She is not staying for the D.

Will you stay for the D? ^^

Exactly. Drop him, OP. Open relationships aren't my thing but if that's what people agree, too, fine. What he's describing isn't an open relationship. He wants all the freedom while keeping you locked down. That's not cool.

And you're still with him why?

He doesn't deserve you, OP :)

The guy only deserves a punch in the face. Or the testes, so he can't reproduce.

I don't believe in these "open relationships". And your boyfriend made it worse, just break up with him

Open relationships are fine, 'open relationships' where one sleeps around and the other is expected to be faithful are just horribly unbalanced and controlling. OP's boyfriend obviously has some ego problems where he needs to feel desirable but at the same time has jealousy issues. The fact alone that he has brought this up more than once even though his girlfriend quite obviously doesn't agree to it shows that he really doesn't understand that both partners in a relationship have to be absolutely comfortable with its boundaries.

Agree with #5. I personally, wouldn't even be able to be in an open relationship. I don't like sharing my boyfriend, and if he really wanted to be in an open relationship, he can find someone else to be with. I can't even see how this is a thing D: wouldn't that be more like friends with benefits instead of a "relationship" where you can fuck anyone you'd like? Anyway, fyl op.

raeepressley 12

Open relationships can definitely work. I have a few friends who have open relationships, and they're totally comfortable with it. I, personally, know that it's not something that I could do, but It does work for other people. The thing is though, in an open relationship, both partners have to be comfortable with the arrangement and (from what I understand), there are rules and guidelines to follow. If it's an open relationship is only open on one side, it doesn't necessarily mean that both parties are uncomfortable with the situation. I know a couple where only the girl is sleeping with other people, and both are fine with it. However, in this particular situation with soap, it sounds more like control and manipulation, and less like an open relationship.

I just don't see how it can be a relationship if you both (or not) sleep with other people.. Isn't a relationship meant for two people and two people only? Sleeping around with people is something you can do when you're single, or when you have fwb.. But that's just my opinion. Maybe I'm just small minded, but I really don't get it.

#45 But that situation where only the girl is sleeping around, is that because the guy doesn't want to sleep around, or because he's not allowed to under their agreement? If the girl is happy for him to sleep with someone else if he wanted to, then it's a completely healthy open relationship. If the girl gets upset with him sleeping around, then it's not.

If you have a child, does it mean that you love your child less because you want a second child? Love doesn't divide, it multiplies. A relationship is much more than just sex. If you are building a life together, sharing finances, raising a child, and supporting each other, why would you consider that to be an fwb situation? A marriage is about love, trust, and commitment to be there for your partner. Most relationships include monogamy as part of that, but open relationships make up almost 10% of the US population. Poly relationships are absolutely not for everyone, but to say that it isn't a relationship without monogamy is a very narrow view.

Though I totally agree that in OP's case, this is not about poly. Her boyfriend is someone who sees poly as permission to cheat. That's a very different thing, and he'd be considered an asshole in the poly community even more than he is in the monogamous world.

I'm polyamorous, some say it's an "open relationship." To me, an open relationship is to have sex with others and not get involved emotionally. Polyamory is where it's emotion involvement. Since I'm polyamorous, I believe people are capable of loving more than one person and therefore they are allowed to do all the things normally when in love.

23- I completely agree with you but he could also just not care.

My sister and her fiancé have an open relationship because she is bisexual. Their rule is girls only though, no other males.

There are so many different kinds of poly and/or open relationships (all of which are valid relationships). I don't understand people who are compelled to say they don't "get" open relationships. If you don't get it, do some research. Some people like to have friends with benefits, some people like to have one romantic partner and many sex partners, some people like to have multiple romantic partners and some people from a group of three or more people who are all romantic with and committed to each other. People can form straight, gay or bisexual poly relationships and they are all real relationships weather or not you would feel comfortable with that kind of relationship or weather or not you "get" it. Love is love and it is absolutely possible to love more than one person at once or to love someone and agree to have sex with other people and that has no hold over your relationship's validity.

I agree with you on some points 151, you can love as many people as you want. The human capacity for love can be an all-expansive thing if allowed to grow. But there's something I notice is lost on almost all the people here, and it saddens me that we've progressed as a species to the point that there's such little value to the idea of loyalty and dedicating yourself to your one and only.

Thank you, 167.

Open and poly relationships have just as much loyalty as any other. I would suggest getting to know someone in a poly relationship. There is an enormous amount of trust and boundaries in these relationships and yes loyalty. Just because it's not your kind of loyalty doesn't mean it isn't real.

#179 I'm a bit offended that you are suggesting that because I am in an open relationship with my husband I am somehow less dedicated to him. It was a huge decision that we took very seriously. We sat down talked it through and figured out whether or not it was best for us before deciding it was. I am completely dedicated to my husband and if the poly aspect of our relationship ever makes one of us uncomfortable, unhappy, or threatens our relationship in anyway then it will end. But I don't see that happening. Different does not mean worse, if the two people or more people are happy in their relationship, who are you to judge?

#151, I do "get" what it is. I just don't get how people can be in one. But that's just my opinion, I don't critisize (is that written correctly? -English isn't my main language) people who are in one. Just do whatever makes you happy (:

That's not what they were saying. they were arguing for the standpoint of open/poly relationships and stating that there is just as much loyalty (and, by association, dedication) in those relationships as any other relationship.

I hope you 'closed' this relationship by dumping him.

I wonder...could you be...THE Abi Rose? :O

Op, you need to move on to the next relationship as fast as you can. He wants to cheat on you with no repercussions.

I completely agree! Get out now OP! Your boyfriend sounds like a selfish, controlling, manipulative pig and if you continue to go against his idea of an "open relationship" it sounds like he will just end up cheating on you anyway (if he hasn't already). I understand you feel you love him, but you deserve someone who loves you the same way and is actually worthy of your love. Either way you will be hurt in this relationship.

He wants to cheat on her with no repercussions while still keeping her on lock down to make sure that she is only his. What a huge double standard, and lack of respect. That guy is a total looser. OP should find a real man that will respect her, not some little boy that only wants to play games.

If your relationship consists of both of you cheating on each other then just break up already, stop delaying the inevitable.

If they consider themselves in an open relationship, then to them it isn't cheating. But clearly OPs boyfriend has issues since to him, his girlfriend is cheating if she hooks up with another guy even though he's allowed to do whatever he wants. Seems like he wants a half open relationship, freedom to do what he wants but she's stuck being committed to him

I've had this happen, where a guy I was seeing revealed that he was also seeing two other girls, but I was not allowed to so much as speak to someone else. The two other girls had been following this arrangement for 2 years and were aware of each other. I ignored him, and didn't accept his "guidelines" and he still kept seeing me. But it's not good long term. Abort mission. Good luck OP!

Sounds like he was abusive and the other two girls were too scared to get out.

When did it ever imply abuse?

I don't understand how two people can share one partner. How can you be with someone that you really care about while knowing that someone else has them also? No self respect whatsoever.

Ugh, leave him OP. He's not worth it.