Today, I woke to the sound of my baby crying at 4 a.m. I also heard my partner snoring, knowing he was not beside me and the baby was not in her crib, I went into the nursery. There was my crying baby laying across my snoring partner's chest. Guess he fell asleep during feeding time. FML
gamerlaura tells us more.
gamerlaura 13
Actually the reason he was sleeping was he was drunk. Plus he offered to feed her when she first woke up as he was already up and told me to go back to sleep. So that's what I get when my boyfriend wants to take the first night feed he has ever done in the 17 weeks since she was born. FML
Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML
Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML
Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML
Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML
Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML
Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM
Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML
Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML
Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML
Today, I sent a text to my volleyball group chat congratulating everyone who made the school team, which I hadn't. Someone removed me from the conversation. FML
washcaps tells us more.
washcaps 11
Hey everyone, OP here. (: First off, I would like to thank you guys for your nice comments, they made things better! And since I didn't have much room to explain, the group chat was consisted of the girls in the coed league we all played together in the winter, thus creating the chat. We all attend the same school and are all upcoming sophomores that tried out for JV. The competition was very hard. In the end the coach toke 6 sophomores, (all that played in same coed team) and 8 juniors. There were 9 of us in that didn't make it, also all 9 were in the chat. After I realized I was removed I was a little saddened and didn't quite understand why because it wasn't anything too much. A friend of mine that also didn't make it informed me that after I had been removed, she congratulated them too, and she had also been removed. So basically it's came into realization they aren't worth it and I'm more likely to try another sport but if I can't decide on one I might just practice more. Sorry it's long, and thank you if you read!
Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML
Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML
Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and I'm single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML
Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Turns out he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML
Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML
Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML
Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML
holluphollup tells us more.
holluphollup 12
OP here. I'm here to explain this a little better. Ok so first off, I'm under 18 so therefore I can't leave. Second, my mother wants to do this because she wants to be a midwife, and Guatemala has cheap midwifery classes and programs. You might say she's doing this to help us financially, but my dads a doctor so that takes care of itself. Also, my mom has horrible back problems. At times she can barely move without hurting. If she's like this, then how will she be able to perform her job well? ( Surgery isn't an option because everyon we've tried has failed). I'm 17 and I've been in a small town where everybody knows everybody. I'm at the top of my class, and I have a real shot into getting into a prestigious university. I also have very deep connections with the people here. I don't want to throw this away. I don't mean to be rude and thwart my moms dreams, but it's just not what's best right now in my opinion. Hope this answered a lot of your questions. Also, thanks for all the support I really appreciate it. :)
Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML
Today, on a girls night out at a very fancy restaurant, our waiter spilled my chocolate dessert over my new white pants. To repay up, they gave us a free bottle of red wine, which he promptly coated me in. FML
Hutchie931 tells us more.
Hutchie931 15
Hi to continue after that fiasco the waiter was very apologetic and so was the owner and I got 15% of my bill and got recommended a Dry Cleaners that specialised in "accidental" stains so not all bad :)
Today, I realized I got more birthday wishes from people checking my ID for alcohol purchases than from friends. FML
taroschain tells us more.
taroschain 11
Huh, didn't think this would make it. Neat. Thanks for the birthday wishes! To clear a few things up: 1. I started getting birthday wishes from ID checkers a week before my birthday and for a few days after, during which time I went on a couple beer runs for my roommate, bought a bottle of wine for a family dinner, had a weekly girls' night out with some coworkers and, yes, went barhopping with a friend on the day of. 2. I only got Facebook because my college required it and didn't bother filling in the information other than schooling. 3. I'm not one of those people who reminds everyone about their birthday five times a day for two weeks, and I track friends' birthdays on my iPod calendar. Also, I'm a bit of a workaholic and tend to forget events if they don't affect my work schedule (thus the calendar) and didn't actually realize my birthday was coming up until it was mentioned on one of said aforementioned beer runs. 4. Partly due to a lack of FB and other social networking, most of my friends are either from work or people I was really close to in high school and chose to keep in contact with via phone or e-mail (I'm an old person in a 25-year old body. I knit too!). Also guildmates, but I don't think that counts. Hope this helps!
Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML
Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML
Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML
Today, I spent my first day with my parents for the first time in a year as I've been away at university. My dad went to work, and my mum spent the whole day playing mahjong with her friends as they all told me "how fat I've gotten" and how "boys won't like it". FML
Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML
Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML
Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML
Today, I learned that lightning and flash flooding are the best motivatiors. I learned this while on a run and 2 miles away from school. FML
benjamin03_fml tells us more.
Op here! To clarify, I was a cross country practice which meets at the school. We run from there and end there at the weight room. I did end up getting soaked, mostly because we got stuck at a red light. Thanks for the comments!
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