Love

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

Compliment war

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

Deal breaker

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner, we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it wouldn't flush. FML

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

Thanks for the input

Today, I told my 10 year-old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

Today, I told the man I love to "go first" when we started talking at the same time. I wanted to confess my feelings, he wanted to tell me about his engagement. FML

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML

Get out

Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

Today, my boyfriend texted me, asking if I had left my underwear over at his place. No, no I didn't. They weren't mine. Awesome. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex-husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex-father in law. FML

Not now, Kevin

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

Today, my ex told me he broke up with me because he loved me, and that he was afraid of the commitment. He's living with his new girlfriend now. FML

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

Today, the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I'm 27 and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

Today, I met a woman that I've been emailing and trading pics with for over a month. We had a face to face, she was surprisingly overweight, and the sun hit her face in a way that radiated all her facial hair. FML

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

Today, my mom asked all the old ladies in her church to pray that I meet "someone special". FML

Today, the ugliest girl in school walked by me and said "ewwww". FML

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML