Love: Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend....

By GopherJR - Canada

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27766

You deserved it

2394

Favorite

Love

Proactive

Taking stock

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By StillSingle - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51222

You deserved it

5072

Favorite

By ugh - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. The hostess asked if I needed "the kid's menu," remarked how I look "so grown up for your age," and asked what grade I was in. I said I'm in university. She laughed as if it was the best joke ever told. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31656

You deserved it

2032

Favorite

By Brett meek - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25455

You deserved it

3610

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6322

You deserved it

307

Favorite

By konichiwa - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11788

You deserved it

34468

Favorite

By bleh - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31279

You deserved it

6763

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42917

You deserved it

4196

Favorite

By Beefy Man - United States - Lehi

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13380

You deserved it

1884

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36423

You deserved it

7347

Favorite

By Sam

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the mall at Victoria's Secret. We got separated, after which I saw 3 of my students. I teach middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2154

You deserved it

254

Favorite

By UncleRory - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks

65192

You deserved it

25464

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again! FML

I agree, your life sucks

24009

You deserved it

3421

Favorite

By grenade - United States

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37901

You deserved it

7875

Favorite

By I write sins not other people's essays - United States - King George

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14971

You deserved it

1037

Favorite

By littlefella - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7090

You deserved it

814

Favorite

By Jess - 12/3/2021 14:01

Bad car day

Today, I got not one but two flat tires after hitting two separate potholes big enough to take chunks out if my original rim and to bend the shit out of my spare. This was in about a 3 mile radius and within minutes of each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

828

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Impressive hairstyle

Today, I went to the hairdresser and changed my hairstyle drastically. It wasn't until she was nearly done that she said, "I just KNEW this style wasn't going to suit you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1949

You deserved it

253

Favorite

By Lepisma - United States - College Station

Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8840

You deserved it

823

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55810

You deserved it

4673

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 02:02

Freaked out

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my shirt off, she saw my chest acne. She ran out of my house and hasn't spoken to me in 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1934

You deserved it

222

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34461

You deserved it

4534

Favorite

By Baegel - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22798

You deserved it

2348

Favorite

By sn-511 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks

68748

You deserved it

5958

Favorite

By Kitty - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me he needed to reconsider coming to see me for financial reasons. I'm the one paying for the airfare, giving him a place to stay, and covering his expenses while he's here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56944

You deserved it

6783

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, at my engagement party, I overheard my future father-in-law saying he was happy his son was marrying "the dumb, pretty one" because all the "smart ones" he dated at university were "nerds with small tits." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4510

You deserved it

381

Favorite

By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1834

You deserved it

195

Favorite

By homeless4Christmas - New Zealand

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13331

You deserved it

27938

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2179

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By tony1401 - United States

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32794

You deserved it

2742

Favorite

By mybad - United States

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37300

You deserved it

3252

Favorite

By Nicholas Laughton

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4457

You deserved it

759

Favorite

By RIP_Nose - Germany - Aidenbach

Today, I was supervising a written exam, which took place in a really warm room. Half of the two hundred participants has probably never heard of deodorants. The other half used probably the whole can this morning. I had to stay in this inferno of stench for five hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41608

You deserved it

3865

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29427

You deserved it

14945

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43890

You deserved it

8556

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31577

You deserved it

4218

Favorite

By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26213

You deserved it

4181

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36245

You deserved it

4187

Favorite

By hobbled - United States

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38137

You deserved it

1992

Favorite

By skid - United States - Champaign

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29980

You deserved it

3090

Favorite

By Anonymous - Philippines - Dasmari?as

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47418

You deserved it

3147

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By jim_witness | 0

#24676 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:26

No he lives in Alaska.

By la6437 | 0

#4120814 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:30

Maybe it's karma for your horrible use of commas.

COMMENTS

By jim_witness | 0

#24676 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:26

No he lives in Alaska.

By Melodyfire | 0

#127174 - Monday 20 April 2009 18:49

technology does the darndest things!

By 24788 | 6

#159159 - Friday 1 May 2009 6:59

lol, that sucks.

By redbluegreen | 40

#241813 - Friday 29 May 2009 9:18

Dang, you're 21.
You don't need a dating website to find a girl. Seriously.

sabrinaacrow | 26

#5487912 - Saturday 11 May 2013 18:30

Exactly, I'm sure OP can get a girlfriend without restoring to a dating site

evilamoebaattack | 20

#6128655 - Thursday 27 November 2014 5:49

resorting. sorry but i had to.

By thefury | 0

#607941 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 6:52

ya you must live in the middle of a desert or something.

By LookinLikeDrake | 0

#972332 - Thursday 1 April 2010 2:20

lolol well she must have said the same shit

By Love2Laugh97 | 0

#981186 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:04

hahaha

By 88sforlife | 0

#981511 - Sunday 18 April 2010 22:07

Hey Dude

By Norther | 1

#1402784 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 7:52

damn!
Get outside, and find a woman, dude!

By Z_Thorn | 0

#1791009 - Saturday 4 December 2010 7:03

Awwww im sorry to hear that!!! Da bitch aint worth yo time sweety! Be greatful you found out now! :)