Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend....

By GopherJR - Canada

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Always ask for documentation

Dog whisperer

By Reihna - United States - Marion

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

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By JJ - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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By lol - Canada

Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML

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By SingleSara. - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By nl4 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that, because i'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

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By jumanji

Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML

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By emily

Today, I learned in my child development class that lying in toddlers is a sign of intelligence. I clearly remember that I didn’t even understand the concept of lying until I was 6 years-old. FML

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By Catie - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

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By mstannyngdogevr - United States - Orlando

Today, my fiancé and I moved into a new home a few houses away from our previous one. We were excited about not hearing our roommate's dog howling non-stop anymore. We can hear him from the new house. Very clearly. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By bev_rogan - United States - New Castle

Today, I took a nap. My boyfriend took this opportunity to go over to his "beautiful" and "amazing" ex-girlfriend's house to help her clean out her pool. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate. He told me I don't value relationships and didn't come home tonight. FML

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By management - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. At the bottom of the bag was a razor. FML

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38010

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By thanksalotdickhead - 14/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Jumping the gun

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend was planning on proposing to me tomorrow. I found out after receiving a couple of a dozen texts from friends and relatives bitching me out for not telling them. Apparently, my dad thought it would be appropriate to make the announcement for me on his Facebook page. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

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54212

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By InsomniacToBe - United States - Saint George

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

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By not even - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

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By whymyliferose - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

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36054

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By Woops - United States - Secaucus

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband yelled at me for not doing any household chores. I can barely move my hand without suffering excruciating pain, due to recent surgery to ease my arthritis, and my other hand is as bad as ever. I can barely work this phone, let alone wash dishes and iron clothes. FML

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By vballqt201 - United States

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, "MOOOO". FML

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By dman92

Run Away

Today, while babysitting, the power went off. My little cousin pointed into the dark kitchen behind me and asked, "Who's that man standing there?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was tending the cash register. I scanned a lady's items which totaled $89.68. She paid with a $100 bill. I gave her $11.32 change. She angrily gave back the extra dollar and complained about "schools nowadays". I'm an AP Calculus student. FML

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By catlover - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By Jibber96 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was walking with a friend to tell him how excited I was for college and even motivating him to apply for the same school, until I found out later that I got rejected. FML

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By AloneForChristmas

Today... I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7hrs away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room... FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I covered a 10-hour shift for a sick coworker. Glad to earn some extra money for the holidays, I went to clock out. I hadn't even clocked in when I first got there at 7 am. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

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By ashamed - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pensacola

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

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23726

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 20:00

The grudge

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

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1287

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By zks

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By dangeronpa

Today, I broke my glasses. My eyesight is horrible, I can’t see things that aren’t super close to my face. I'm supposed to drive to another state tomorrow. FML

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1585

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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By zuut - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

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By Hana - Canada - York

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and ended up sitting next to this girl who wouldn't stop sneezing. Grossed out, I asked my boyfriend if we could switch seats. After doing so, the girl immediately stopped sneezing and started flirting with him. FML

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Top comments

By jim_witness | 0

#24676 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:26

No he lives in Alaska.

By la6437 | 0

#4120814 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:30

Maybe it's karma for your horrible use of commas.

COMMENTS

By jim_witness | 0

#24676 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:26

No he lives in Alaska.

By Melodyfire | 0

#127174 - Monday 20 April 2009 18:49

technology does the darndest things!

By 24788 | 6

#159159 - Friday 1 May 2009 6:59

lol, that sucks.

By redbluegreen | 40

#241813 - Friday 29 May 2009 9:18

Dang, you're 21.
You don't need a dating website to find a girl. Seriously.

sabrinaacrow | 26

#5487912 - Saturday 11 May 2013 18:30

Exactly, I'm sure OP can get a girlfriend without restoring to a dating site

evilamoebaattack | 20

#6128655 - Thursday 27 November 2014 5:49

resorting. sorry but i had to.

By thefury | 0

#607941 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 6:52

ya you must live in the middle of a desert or something.

By LookinLikeDrake | 0

#972332 - Thursday 1 April 2010 2:20

lolol well she must have said the same shit

By Love2Laugh97 | 0

#981186 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:04

hahaha

By 88sforlife | 0

#981511 - Sunday 18 April 2010 22:07

Hey Dude

By Norther | 1

#1402784 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 7:52

damn!
Get outside, and find a woman, dude!

By Z_Thorn | 0

#1791009 - Saturday 4 December 2010 7:03

Awwww im sorry to hear that!!! Da bitch aint worth yo time sweety! Be greatful you found out now! :)