Love: Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like....

By dexter - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

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Love

Walk on the wild side

Family matters

Deadbeat

By xXshitface4uXx - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

What a question…

Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend she's too good for me, then asking if she wants to settle for someone like me. FML

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By ThatOneGuy

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

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2428

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By mainey92 - United States

Today, I heard a rumor about myself going around my high school that I am pregnant, I've dropped out of school, and that my belly is showing. I'm not actually pregnant. I've been severely depressed, so I've missed a few days of school and I've been eating too much apparently. FML

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By madbirthdaymomma - United States - Roswell

Today, I was hosting my daughter's thirteenth birthday party. One parent decided to stay at my house, the only parent to do so. The entire night she critiqued every decision I made, from the films to the cake. When it was time to open presents, her kid was the only one without one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodridge

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

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By David3000 - Australia

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

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By Damn - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By kissless - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

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By Jenna - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

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By Indoraptor - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By mynameisarmpit

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Today, I told my boyfriend the dentist said my blood pressure was high. He was more interested in the fact that the dentist took my blood pressure than my blood pressure being high. FML

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By Applelover012 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

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By Anon - United States - Mesquite

Today, when I asked my boss why my bonus was cut in half, he replied, "I have no idea what you really do." I'm the IT Manager. FML

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By cplaner - United States

Today, I was teaching swim lessons. I got felt up by a 6 year old boy. 3 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 05:30 - Australia - Ballarat

Classic brain fart

Today, I lovingly simmered a chicken carcass, vegetables and spices to make soup. Two hours it took. After all that, I mindlessly strained out the chicken bones and let the soup pour straight down the sink. FML

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By Anonymous

Hoarders Gonna Hoard

Today, I was helping my uncle clean his house. He's a bit of a hoarder, so I suggested donating some of his pots. We got into a fight and I left. He then called my mom to claim that I stole his pots. After being yelled at he realized that they were in his dishwasher. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2021 15:30 - United States

Gratitude

Today, I found out my boyfriend of four years, whom I have stuck by through every hardship, including his ongoing battle with military PTSD, is cheating on me. FML

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By guessimdead - United States

Kids…

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By ShittyWalls - United States - Moorestown

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

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By OfficeSlave - United States

Today, I found out that my company is paying more for hors d'oeuvres at one party than I will receive for my entire year long internship. FML

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By communistgirl - United States

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

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By Anonymous

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

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By teaspoonzz

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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4530

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By bad poet - United States - Millerton

Today, my boyfriend asked me to write him a poem, as I am an avid writer. Happily, I agreed. After hours of working, I proudly presented it to him. He read it, laughed, and said, "No babe, I meant a real poem." Maybe I should rethink my career choice. FML

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By sproket

Today, the maintenance man 'fixed' a leak in my apartment by flooding the place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, what started as a fun family Easter egg hunt turned within minutes into my mother-in-law's big chance to be a dramatic cow by screaming at my 5 and 7-year-old daughters for participating in a "vile pagan ritual" and saying that we're all going to hell. They're still bawling. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my building never received my rent check. Now not only do I have to pay a $40 late fee, but also a $40 fee to stop the payment of the check that went god knows where. FML

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By Renzy

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

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By skeletor - United States

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

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By RetailJocky

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

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3328

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By anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

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By Steve-noh

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By snitchovich - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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Top comments

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#213 - Thursday 5 February 2009 2:42

geez make your fucking mind up

By Doesuff | 0

#15444 - Thursday 5 March 2009 2:36

You still have the other guy to go after.

Just stop liking EVERYONE!

COMMENTS

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#213 - Thursday 5 February 2009 2:42

geez make your fucking mind up

jennnnrawr | 0

#951673 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 1:23

im pretty sure her mind is made up now...

k1w1 | 0

#1044499 - Saturday 26 June 2010 9:30

process of elimination. haa

ffmmllyaya | 0

#1094465 - Thursday 15 July 2010 18:47

don't assume anyone is gay, the guy was probably just testing her to see how she feels about him

alex1502 | 0

#1605079 - Tuesday 26 October 2010 7:48

Girls like guys who are Gay! I have Seen so many of these, and i figured this out of One of my Friends who Happens to Be Gay, and all the Girls in the grade like him

gladstone123 | 5

#2007377 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 18:45

the op's name is Dexter. I'm assuming he's a guy?

klx125cross | 9

#4872129 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:42

Amen!! Lol

By Eir_fml | 1

#3335 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 13:04

is the other guy gay though? It's not like he said the other one is good in bed or anything.

messilover0 | 4

#5700542 - Thursday 3 October 2013 6:32

Completely agree

By Doesuff | 0

#15444 - Thursday 5 March 2009 2:36

You still have the other guy to go after.

Just stop liking EVERYONE!

JustDerpin | 11

#3997285 - Sunday 5 February 2012 22:20

Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

By Xinxinix | 0

#22272 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:46

Wow, what an unexpected twist of events. You really don't know people, huh?

iliketofu | 6

#3344337 - Sunday 25 September 2011 16:56

Duh!

By lostguy | 0

#105975 - Monday 13 April 2009 0:08

you like too many guys. one should be enough. well at least now the guy you had a crush on made it easier for you on picking which guy you should go for now ^_^