Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML
Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML
Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, my nose hair scares him. FML
Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine's Day. FML
Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML
Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over at my parents' for dinner. When we were done, my dad went around to collect all the dirty plates and stacked them on his arm. When he got to my girlfriend, the weight became too much and he and the plates fell on top of her. FML
Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML
Today, during a slow dance, my date wrapped his arms around my waist. Right as I touched his neck he says, "Sorry, I'm slightly sweaty." He wasn't lying. For the longest two minutes of my life I was swimming in his sweat. FML
Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML
Today, my husband and I went to our first counseling sessions, where the main focus was communication. When the therapist called us in together to discuss techniques we could use at home, my husband looked around, rolled his eyes, and responded with, "Uh huh" to every question. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML
Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML
Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML
Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML
Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML
Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML
Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML
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