Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML
Fashion influencer
Today, after discussing having our son's hair styled nicely for school, my ex returned him with his head shaved. I didn't realise bald was in style for 4-year-olds. FML
Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML
Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML
Close to you
Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML
Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML
Today, for the sixteenth consecutive time, I'm definitely not pregnant. Nope, I'm just super bitchy, and I like really weird food. FML
Amie89 tells us more.
Amie89 20
Hey, OP here. The FML was poorly written, mostly because they never get published so, who would care, right? Oops. Sorry! My husband and I have been actively trying to conceive for a while now, and he's a truck driver who's only home on weekends, so it's doubly difficult. These past few weeks, I've been very moody and having odd (for me) food wants, so we were really hopeful, but Aunt Flo showed up, so hopes were dashed. Looking back, I've had some new stresses in my life that probably contributed to the moodiness, as I'm usually a fairly even-tempered person. And, as I can't afford healthcare (we make too much for assistance but not enough to actually afford any plans), getting checks would cost more than we could pay. In a month or so, his job will offer company-wide health care, so we'll see what happens then. :)
Today, while taking my toddler for a walk with the dog, he threw a tantrum and rammed one well-aimed finger directly up the poor dog's pooper. FML
JEHR tells us more.
JEHR 13
OP here to answer some of your burning questions. Really, FML for all involved, but the crown goes to the dog. He isn’t butthurt about it anymore. I watched for blood and any signs of pain in his next stool because I know what sharp, jabby appendages toddler fingers are and it was like any other shit. He also received boiled chicken breast to alleviate the emotional trauma and a lot of praise for his stand-up response to the whole shit show. To clarify a few others and add some detail: 1. No one got bit. I’ve got a hell of a bombproof dog and he and the kid are tight. He did leap like a gazelle though. Fair to say he was surprised. 2. Wet wipes are a parent’s best friend. Too bad I only had spit and a Kleenex. 3. The amateur veterinarian’s diagnosis was ‘stinky.’ And he wasn’t very happy about it. 4. I don’t know if some people are aware but toddlers tend to throw high emotion, physically aggressive tantrums because they are developmentally limited in their ability to appreciate consequences, exercise restraint, and use non-physical methods to express themselves, especially when upset. It’s normal, he’s two, that’s what they do. 5. This was his first anal offense although he’s previously expressed interest in the brown hole that he’s not allowed to touch ever since he came to be eye level with it. He really had no appreciation of what he was doing and how it would affect the dog. 6. But yes, he did receive ‘discipline’ in the form of a calm, firm reprimand for acting in violence and, when he calmed down enough, a limited discussion of appropriate behaviour and a teachable moment where he came to understand that he had hurt our dog. Little guy was upset by it and apologetic. It went way better than anticipated. 7. People who think children suck for reasons such as this undervalue the insane mileage I’m going to get out of this one for years to come. 8. He’s a really awesome kid with a good heart, but human (surprise). I’m actually pretty sad Trip didn’t add anything but #14 gave me a laugh. I also don't know what he's going to be a 'social path' quite means, but I'm alright if he turns out extroverted.
Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML
Today, I got a call informing me that my 16-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting jewellery. Trying to look on the bright side, I assumed it was for my birthday that is coming up in a few days. Nope. It was a "Thank you" gift. For her drug dealer. FML
Today, the family computer kept overheating. My four-year-old son thought the solution was to pour a nice, cold cup of water on it. FML
Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML
Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML
Today, I found out that the loud noise outside my bedroom a few weeks ago was neighborhood kids throwing eggs at my window, landing on the AC. FML
Today, my mom told me she wouldn't be able to leave my middle-aged brother at home for Christmas in order to meet her first grandchild. FML
Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML
Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML
Today, I was babysitting two brothers, 3 and 5. As I was getting the youngest ready to go outside, the older boy, threw open the door, shucked his clothing, and ran off into the woods. I had to carry the 3-year-old as I ran my asthmatic ass after him. FML
K_nightlight tells us more.
K_nightlight 19
Hi, OP here. I'm not gonna just tell you their names, so I hope you realize that 3 and 5 are their ages. And a leash would have been a very good thing to have for this kid. He's a wild little kid alright. Lucky for me his brother, the 3 year old, likes me so he doesnt do stuff like this. And yeah, I live way way up north, and their house is nestled in the woods so it's a struggle to keep them out of it.
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML
Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML
Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML
Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML
Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML
Today, my roommate gave us an hour's notice that she'd be babysitting her 4 youngest siblings in our apartment for an unspecified time. After hours of them running around, intruding, breaking things and one severely injuring himself on our furniture, it turns out they are staying the night. FML
colibricorolla tells us more.
OP again, what happened with the injury was the youngest and the second youngest decided they were going to race across our living room, and the former ran headfirst into the edge of the coffee table. Hard. Those two had walked into the kitchen while the rest of them were watching a movie at the time and I don’t think she noticed what they were doing until it was too late. He got a cut that was about an inch or so wide and looked pretty deep on his forehead. We were able to bandage it up, she got the bleeding to stop and confirmed he did not get a concussion from it but everything I frantically searched online said he was going to need stitches and all of the local urgent care centers had literally just closed 5 minutes before this happened. She took him the next morning when they left and they said he was OK, thank goodness, but a very brief lapse in supervision wasn't something to call CPS over.
Oh no…
Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding coming from upstairs. FML
Today, not even 10 minutes into my job as a student teacher, I've had one student wipe boogers on me, another pee their pants, and a third won't stop crying for his mother. This is my first day. FML
crazy_bananas tells us more.
Hi OP here! I'm going to explain a few things since 300 characters isn't enough to get the whole story down. I really appreciate all the nice comments, and I loved how many of you wanted it to be high school or early college students! But first to all the people who say I deserve it and I should have expected this because I'm going into a teaching profession, **** off. I'm talking to you #30, 36, 39, 40, and 42 and anyone else who comments on this at a later time. Just because I'm going to be a teacher doesn't mean I deserve it. I also never said I didn't expect it, I knew what I was getting into when I decided I wanted to be a teacher and learn in a a younger age group setting. Okay! Now to other things! To answer the most comment question, no these aren't high school kids, these were 5 and 6 year olds. This was a kindergarten level class and it was the first day of the year, so I knew that there were going to be tears and some icky things were going to happen. I fortunately brought an extra pair of pants with me I changed into them so I wouldn't have boogers on me all day. The kid who peed their pants was sent to the nurses office so their mommy could come bring them new pants and underwear. And the kid who was crying for his mommy cried so hard that he threw up a little bit so he got to be nurse buddies with the kid who peed their pants. His mom brought him back to class and luckily he had calmed down enough and didn't cry when she left again. He was just going through a little separation anxiety but once he saw that the day was going to end at 12, and he would get to play games and be told stories he was super chill and ended up loving being in class. The worst thing about this whole situation was that the teacher was outside with all the parents when it all went down, so I had to deal with the debacle by myself. Admittedly though, this was a great learning experience that I'll be sure to learn from when I have to run a classroom by myself. However, I will not be teaching little kids at this young an age, I'm aiming for 7 and 8 year olds or high school student. Hopefully, with high school kids I won't run into a similar situation!