By JEHR - 07/10/2016 07:21 - Canada - Prince George

Today, while taking my toddler for a walk with the dog, he threw a tantrum and rammed one well-aimed finger directly up the poor dog's pooper. FML
I agree, your life sucks 12 692
You deserved it 1 148

JEHR tells us more.

OP here to answer some of your burning questions. Really, FML for all involved, but the crown goes to the dog. He isn’t butthurt about it anymore. I watched for blood and any signs of pain in his next stool because I know what sharp, jabby appendages toddler fingers are and it was like any other shit. He also received boiled chicken breast to alleviate the emotional trauma and a lot of praise for his stand-up response to the whole shit show. To clarify a few others and add some detail: 1. No one got bit. I’ve got a hell of a bombproof dog and he and the kid are tight. He did leap like a gazelle though. Fair to say he was surprised. 2. Wet wipes are a parent’s best friend. Too bad I only had spit and a Kleenex. 3. The amateur veterinarian’s diagnosis was ‘stinky.’ And he wasn’t very happy about it. 4. I don’t know if some people are aware but toddlers tend to throw high emotion, physically aggressive tantrums because they are developmentally limited in their ability to appreciate consequences, exercise restraint, and use non-physical methods to express themselves, especially when upset. It’s normal, he’s two, that’s what they do. 5. This was his first anal offense although he’s previously expressed interest in the brown hole that he’s not allowed to touch ever since he came to be eye level with it. He really had no appreciation of what he was doing and how it would affect the dog. 6. But yes, he did receive ‘discipline’ in the form of a calm, firm reprimand for acting in violence and, when he calmed down enough, a limited discussion of appropriate behaviour and a teachable moment where he came to understand that he had hurt our dog. Little guy was upset by it and apologetic. It went way better than anticipated. 7. People who think children suck for reasons such as this undervalue the insane mileage I’m going to get out of this one for years to come. 8. He’s a really awesome kid with a good heart, but human (surprise). I’m actually pretty sad Trip didn’t add anything but #14 gave me a laugh. I also don't know what he's going to be a 'social path' quite means, but I'm alright if he turns out extroverted.

Top comments

You... I like you. Tell the miniature proctologist I said, "Hi."


I suppose he's gonna be a vet. Do dogs need prostate exams?

I'm fairly certain it wasn't intentional. Toddlers have tantrums. I highly doubt the child planned to stick his finger up the dogs ass.

If his father doesn't teach him a lesson, the impending nailbed infection probably will.

The toddler definitely meant to ram a finger up the dog's ass. You can not just throw a finger around and have magically insert itself into a dogs asshole.

Toddlers have a tendancy to take their tantrums out on innocent bystanders in an attempt to get what they want. It usually doesn't matter who, or what, they are.

So you think the dog just stood still while the child stuck the finger in its butt? That seems very unlikely.

I'm not sure how it was offensive or stupid, unless you're just projecting your feelings about your useless and unnecessary comment.

Reminds me of a Family Guy episode... hope the dog is ok.

There are probably very few things on FML that aren't reminiscent of Family Guy tbh.

50- I would assume it was the episode where Brian has to take rectally-inserted pills for his alcoholism, and Peter tries to shove it up his ass then Brian bites him. Brian has to go to obedience school then comes home and is super submissive

He's just preparing for his future career as a proctologist. That kid's a go-getter!

ham814 8

i dont think there is enough soap in the world to undo that

That's just one of millions of reasons why children suck.

species4872 19

The benefits far outway the disadvantages for most people. It's not like this kind of thing happens all the time. Anyway judging if you want kids or not by how other peoples kids act is not sound and you should not be put off by it., It is a decision which should come from a genuine desire for them. I personally dislike kids, however your own kids does change your perceptions and attitude. I would not be without our rather large brood of them. It is very satisfying to watch and help them grow and become their own person despite all the obstacles that they and you will encounter along the way. They can bring out the very best in you.

Wow, relax Shakespeare. Everyone is entitled to an opinion without needing a textbook of reasons as to why they're wrong. Lord. Take it down a notch. We're on FML, for christs sake.

species4872 19

If you had read it properly I wasn't saying they are wrong. Each to their own.

The wording makes this FML wonderful. Personally I'm imagining the toddler in a Kakashi costume.

Konohagakure Hiden Secret Taijutsu Technique: One Thousand Years of Death!

countryb_cth 38

Who do you think had to clean the finger

ncparry 18