ALL FML

By Lunab123 - 01/02/2015 02:43 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

agreeclassic 33 912

vote type 1 2 565

By WalkTheOtherWay - 01/02/2015 02:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML

agreeclassic 30 691

vote type 1 7 596

By Paras_800 - 31/01/2015 19:14 - United States

Today, I was at an interview for one of the top universities in the U.S. Everything was going great until I choked on my own saliva and almost threw up on the interviewer. FML

agreeclassic 31 129

vote type 1 3 107

Paras_800 app_comment_confession_title

Paras_800 27

Sunday 1 February 2015 20:43

Hey guys, its OP here! Just to clear a few things up, I was the one applying to the college, not interviewing another person. Sorry it was a typo, but in terms of the college I am hoping they will look at the big picture rather than focusing on the one mistake.

By UnidentifiedFun - 31/01/2015 18:22 - United States - Troy

Today, I got hit between the legs with a kayak. FML

agreeclassic 29 447

vote type 1 3 170

UnidentifiedFun app_comment_confession_title

UnidentifiedFun 37

Sunday 1 February 2015 18:19

Alright, some of you need clarification.. So my friend and I were paddle boarding/kayaking (she had the kayak), and I decided to backfloat in the water for a bit, as it was smooth waters and a relaxing day. But alas, my friend thought it would be hilarious to full-steam ahead into my crotch. Needless to say, it was a painful experience.

By cooploops - 31/01/2015 15:13 - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the mall with some friends. We all kept smelling this god awful B.O. smell and had no idea where it was coming from. On the car ride home, we all figured out it was actually me. FML

agreeclassic 28 428

vote type 1 12 115

He who smelled it…

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 15:08 - United States - Venus

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

agreeclassic 33 074

vote type 1 2 711

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 13:12 - Belgium

Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

agreeclassic 29 358

vote type 1 2 866

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

agreeclassic 31 345

vote type 1 3 262

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

agreeclassic 31 848

vote type 1 2 067

By 3722145 - 31/01/2015 00:51 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

agreeclassic 27 473

vote type 1 6 905

By nodoggforme - 31/01/2015 00:13 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my beloved dog. Why? Yesterday she asked me who I'd choose, and I honestly said that I would choose the dog. FML

agreeclassic 29 217

vote type 1 17 441

nodoggforme app_comment_confession_title

nodoggforme 1

Wednesday 4 February 2015 6:03

OP here. Just to set things straight, we'd only been dating for about 3 weeks and weren't lifelong friends before that or anything. My dog I've had for 7 years, so yeah, he won. I agree that if it had been the other way around I would have deserved it. The whole thing came up when we were sitting on the couch and I was rubbing my dog's back. Psycho chick then asked why I wasn't rubbing hers instead and asked who I cared for more and choose. "'Cause you can only have one!" Now I have none :(. Still looking for my dog.

Panic

By not a cancerous pimple - 31/01/2015 00:11 - United States - Chester Springs

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

agreeclassic 15 331

vote type 1 27 422

By briang959 - 30/01/2015 23:28 - United States - Thomaston

Today, a booklet came in the mail, addressed to me and titled "How To Train Your Wife". I didn't order it but my wife doesn't believe me. FML

agreeclassic 30 103

vote type 1 2 575

briang959 app_comment_confession_title

briang959 47

Saturday 31 January 2015 17:49

I'm the OP. Thankfully my wife has a good sense of humor. We eventually found out some of our friends did this as a joke. :). Time to pay the prank forward. The comments are hilarious, BTW.

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 21:15 - United States - Chicago

Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML

agreeclassic 34 468

vote type 1 6 168