Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

by anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 2:50pm / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, while changing my clothes, my 3 year old daughter informed me that I looked like a zebra. Noticing my shocked face, she tried comforting me by telling me I was a pretty zebra because I was a purple zebra. She was talking about my stretch marks. FML

by jenabp / 01/03/2011 at 1:56pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

by This_Is_Me1982 / 01/03/2011 at 12:51pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, it was my first day back to school after break. I wasn't feeling well, but I decided to go anyway. I threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time. I waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 12:36pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

by insultedguy / 01/03/2011 at 12:28pm / Netherlands (Groningen) / Miscellaneous

Today, while sitting next to the cute guy in my English class, I had to sneeze. I turned away from him and sneezed into my arm. My long hair got in the way and I accidentally shot a huge snot rocket into my hair. I spent the rest of the class trying to get it out without him noticing. FML

by klyoung5 / 01/03/2011 at 12:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

by Username / 01/03/2011 at 6:40am / Intimacy

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

by anon. / 01/03/2011 at 6:37am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Love

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 6:18am / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, the alarm clock downstairs has been going off since 3am. The apartment belongs to two other students. They've gone home. Only 3 more days left to go. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 5:29am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex-girlfriend came over to console me after a breakup. After beating me repeatedly in Mariokart, she decided to leave. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 5:08am / United States (Michigan) / Geek

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 3:42am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

by puggles / 01/03/2011 at 1:52am / United States (Texas) / Love