Miscellaneous: Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for...

By asdf - United States

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47203

You deserved it

2750

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

By AverageDeskJoe - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I met with my boss hoping to hear about a possible raise that had been promised many months ago. He then told me that the only way I would get a raise was if I found a better paying job and took it, and that the company was in no position to offer anyone a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12322

You deserved it

1192

Favorite

By goodgrief - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I parked next to a police officer's car in a bad part of town. When I got out, I saw a bag of pot on the ground between the cop's car and mine. When I pointed it out to him, he insisted it was mine and interrogated me to the point of tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41436

You deserved it

4919

Favorite

By shilpajayseanfan - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23211

You deserved it

54468

Favorite

By Karie-Rose - United States

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25605

You deserved it

5706

Favorite

By GaveAnInchTakeAMile - United States

Today, my brother's friend was about to drive home drunk, so I convinced him to think and not be stupid. It wasn't an invitation to puke on my floor then try to crawl into bed with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46498

You deserved it

5830

Favorite

By bossgroper - United States

Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51831

You deserved it

5476

Favorite

By dinosaur - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31134

You deserved it

3190

Favorite

By Victoria - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1324

You deserved it

404

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59543

You deserved it

4795

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43877

You deserved it

2649

Favorite

By inpain - United States - San Francisco

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18814

You deserved it

2370

Favorite

By Coldsnap - Sweden

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35729

You deserved it

4998

Favorite

By drunkdial - France

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30268

You deserved it

4584

Favorite

By shawty_x - United Kingdom

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

87085

You deserved it

4888

Favorite

By SLAB_GIRL15 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, "We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

31341

You deserved it

3052

Favorite

By sickatwokr - Australia

Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25818

You deserved it

1835

Favorite

By Unemployed

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24683

You deserved it

1574

Favorite

The innocence of children

Today, my 5 year old stabbed me in the back with a pencil because I stole her nose and wouldn’t give it back. My daughter has been sulking now for 3 hours and refuses to breathe until she has her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1636

You deserved it

563

Favorite

By robertsonjimmy - United States

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50531

You deserved it

12767

Favorite

By Kimmikoto - Canada - Cambridge

Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4846

You deserved it

3500

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22816

You deserved it

14110

Favorite

By Anonymous

Check your head

Today, while watching a movie on my iPad, a really cute girl sat next to me. Suddenly, everyone on the bus started clapping. I started to clap very loudly as well, asking the girl why we were clapping. She gave me a strange look. I then realized the applause was coming from my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

682

You deserved it

2087

Favorite

By immunizations - Canada

Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30614

You deserved it

10618

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15456

You deserved it

45819

Favorite

By nekkidness - United States - Carthage

Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9518

You deserved it

38852

Favorite

By ummPORQUE - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

34929

You deserved it

70521

Favorite

By yikes - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32059

You deserved it

3756

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46936

You deserved it

3827

Favorite

By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45272

You deserved it

3838

Favorite

By obtuse_ballsack - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26599

You deserved it

2738

Favorite

By MJF

One step forward, two steps back.

Today, my boss thanked me for all my hard work and promised me a raise and a promotion. Shortly thereafter, she sent out a memo announcing she'd sold the company. The new owner immediately came in to "restructure." I got demoted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4291

You deserved it

228

Favorite

By PoachedFish - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34250

You deserved it

3042

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54750

You deserved it

6174

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 13:57

Keep out

Today, I had to create a new password for my computer. I had to do it to stop my father from watching porn on my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1087

You deserved it

Favorite

By sickbaby - Singapore

Today, my parents grounded me and took away my phone, iPod and door. That's right, my door. They think that because I was stumbling and couldn't walk straight last night, I must have been out drinking. They know I suffer from chronic vertigo, but don't believe I was having an attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45320

You deserved it

3220

Favorite

By Secretisout - United States

Today, I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30140

You deserved it

3429

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60917

You deserved it

12248

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20404

You deserved it

4583

Favorite

By ididntdoanythingaight - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

71050

You deserved it

6118

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5659

You deserved it

755

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Guiseppi | 0

#17804 - Friday 6 March 2009 9:32

Since when does my mother have other children?

By snarf | 0

#1120 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:10

story of my life, my mom does that same shit everyday

COMMENTS

By snarf | 0

#1120 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:10

story of my life, my mom does that same shit everyday

By need_cheese | 0

#17113 - Friday 6 March 2009 0:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Emily9352 | 13

#4688729 - Sunday 15 July 2012 5:15

Are you joking? I'm recovering from severe depression at the moment but I never went around calling people worthless pieces of shit. Even if she's depressed, that doesn't make it right.

ethan043 | 18

#6139905 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 23:01

#19, Did you really have to make that comment so long?

By Guiseppi | 0

#17804 - Friday 6 March 2009 9:32

Since when does my mother have other children?

By sigmundhacker | 0

#18206 - Friday 6 March 2009 18:03

what kind of drugs does she do?

By bludie_scab | 0

#34024 - Monday 16 March 2009 4:46

truthfully i think Ive done that before...heh heh...

By rxxk | 0

#55595 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 19:02

That's rude!

By Burdie22 | 0

#63973 - Saturday 28 March 2009 3:06

Wow! Shes a worthless piece of shit! Does she look at herself?

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#74393 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 8:04

i lol'd.

By Troyboy300 | 0

#142518 - Saturday 25 April 2009 21:18

Maybe she had a bad dream?

By Curly_Wurly | 0

#148699 - Monday 27 April 2009 22:41

Had she been drinking?:-P