Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends...

By foo - 1/2/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Minefield

By Anonymous - 24/4/2014 15:30 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from a girl I've had a crush on for a while. As I was about to accept it, it vanished. She explained later that she clicked on my name by accident, and didn't actually want to be friends at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 23:00

Slip of the tongue

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

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By isthisajoke - 15/1/2009 03:49 - United States

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my new born brother "Titan". FML

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By takeiteasy - 7/1/2009 03:58 - France

Today, my wife and I went to a wedding. At one in the morning, when the cheese was being served, we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up it was 5am, and the party was over. FML

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By BadKitty - 11/9/2016 13:37 - Australia - Invermay

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 10:36 - Ukraine - Poltava

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 20:37 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

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By PerfectBoyfriend - 7/6/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By emeraldapostle - 25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 13:04 - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

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By belladonna - 26/2/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML

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By Lavalise - 5/11/2011 07:11 - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

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By Enni - 27/8/2016 08:47

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2017 06:00

Today, I learned that my husband is attracted to obese, unhealthy women after celebrating my weight loss of 175lbs and improving my overall health. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 21:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

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By wormsmeat - 17/9/2015 21:08 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 19:58 - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I was giving my friend a crash course in Star Wars over coffee. As I was telling him about the primitive and savage Sand People, some attention-seeking tit came out of nowhere and called me racist. Apparently she thought I was talking about people from the Middle East. FML

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By secret - 2/11/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

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By Moody - 28/10/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

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By irishbubble - 4/6/2013 12:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

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By sorkin15 - 24/3/2016 21:06 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML

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By KN - 25/6/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness effects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML

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By KennyDidIt - 9/12/2012 13:18 - United States - Grand Bay

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

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By failout - 5/3/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

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By anon - 17/12/2015 18:45

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

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By sickpuppy - 8/9/2019 12:00

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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By bademployee - 12/8/2014 23:16 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss had a lengthy and obnoxiously egocentric conversation with a colleague. After she left across the office, I stood up, looked over at my colleague, and made a sarcastic "shooting myself in the head" gesture. I saw my boss staring at me over a cubicle wall as I turned around. FML

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By nomorepups - 31/10/2016 14:54

Today, I adopted my second dog. When I called to tell my mom about it, she sternly told me that I was not allowed to get any more dogs. I'm 28 and own my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 16:21 - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By DCarreon - 4/10/2012 07:13 - United States - Ceres

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

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By notip - 15/11/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I was at work, when this guy came in and paid for his ice cream, then handed me a dollar. I've never gotten a tip before, so I looked at him and said, "Thank you so much, I appreciate it." He stared at me with a weird look for a moment, and then said, "Can I just get that in quarters?" FML

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By oldschool - 23/1/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 14:45 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By AlwaysAwkward - 3/3/2014 02:30 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

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By westwoodcosmo - 27/1/2016 22:35 - United States - Mesa

Today, I took a swig of my Dr Pepper while having a meeting with my manager. As soon as I was about to swallow, I began coughing, and spat a whole mouthful all over her face. FML

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By Tag - 31/8/2013 04:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

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By epipen life - 10/3/2019 16:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 20:30

Today, I was watching my 2-year-old sister in the bathtub. As she was splashing, she stopped, and pointed at the "owie" on my head. I told her it was okay, and that it was just a pimple. She said, "Wow, you have a lot of pimples!" FML

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By caught - 9/1/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

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Top comments

By LoLoLo_fml | 0

#1791 - Friday 13 February 2009 6:19

I find eye contact awkward and creepy too, I hate the fact that one teacher at my school told me not making eye contact is a sign of a liar or someone who has something to hide and pointed out another student who makes very good eye contact. I'm just shy but since she said that I always feel guilty when I look away now!! And the girl she pointed out happened to be real bitchy and known for bullying her friends! I really dislike that teahcer.

By hawkeyes2011 | 0

#387 - Friday 6 February 2009 17:39

hahaha. I've been there. I can't help it; it must be natural instinct.

COMMENTS

By hawkeyes2011 | 0

#387 - Friday 6 February 2009 17:39

hahaha. I've been there. I can't help it; it must be natural instinct.

By HomeBurger | 0

#1187 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 2:29

This shit happens to me all the time!

By sensual_kidney | 0

#1445 - Thursday 12 February 2009 2:30

look off to the side when you look down, and dont stand too close.

By VivaLaJewFace | 0

#1457 - Thursday 12 February 2009 3:15

*relief!* I look to the left or right of people and try to focus on things on the walls behind the person. Eye contact is so creepy to me x;

By LoLoLo_fml | 0

#1791 - Friday 13 February 2009 6:19

By Sipos | 0

#4677 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:12

I do that by accident a lot.

By rarelight | 0

#5183 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:56

I have that problem too, I can never look people in the eye and end up starting off somewhere, or in the case of girls often at their chests which sometimes gets mistaken as me being a perv!! :(

By flutteryngs | 0

#7000 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 9:39

#8 QFE- Google "Asperger's Syndrome".

johobus28 | 26

#5977307 - Monday 16 June 2014 10:09

I happen to have Asperger's, actually. I have the same problem OP has. I hate social interaction because I'm always super awkward about it but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's a pretty shitty disease, but it's definitely managable

By QBGirl123 | 8

#36112 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:10

ahhhahha i have the same problem, cept i tend to stare at other people's asses when i'm talking to someone, especially when staring into space...don't worry, it happens all the time!

By skatingweasel | 0

#51620 - Monday 23 March 2009 3:16

This used to happen to me on accident, now i mean to sometimes