Love: Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I...

By JD - United States

Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML

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Love

Fresh air

On a leash

Public transport FTW

By clkoko - United States - Buffalo

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

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By ScaryOldMan - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

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By merchgirl - United States - Arlington

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By allergies - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

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By tommy - United States

Ed Shitren

Today, after spending months learning how to play the guitar and memorizing the music to my girlfriend's all-time favorite song, I performed it for her. Her response? "Well, you kind of ruined that song for me now." FML

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By sadinthesack - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By FootInMyMouth - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

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By ThatCery - United Kingdom

Today, I rang my dad to tell him and my half-sister that I'm finally engaged. I then asked my half-sister to tell my stepmother. Still on speaker, I heard her run upstairs and pass the good news on. My stepmother responded with 'Cery who?', followed by 'So what? I can't stand her'. I'm Cery. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

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By off the family

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. FML

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By Moody - United States

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind double date with my friend. My date was actually blind. Not so bad, he seemed nice, until he told me I sound ugly and annoying. My friend laughed and agreed. FML

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By alone - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

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By oohrahgal - United States - Clementon

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By Ashley Harn

Today, I found out I'm allergic to something in the city water. I've had itchy patches and rashes all over my body, but I can't afford to pay for the filtration system that would solve it. My landlord forbids any modifications to the shower and washing machine. FML

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Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Trick question

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

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By screwedupkid

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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23456

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By FreeOfCharge - Canada

Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By MrsRockyHorror - United States

Today, I seriously considered labelling myself as 'in a relationship' on Facebook, even though I haven't been in one since '92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML

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By anon - United States - Kent

Today, I delivered a pizza to a guy so high out of his mind that I had to let myself in and set it down on a table, because he'd forgotten how to walk, and was on the ground sobbing. FML

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By Krystyn Gareau - Canada

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

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By Epiphany - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

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By footfood - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

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By bad son - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

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By lgt5628 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By puppielover - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By whyme27 - United States - South Bend

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

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By fuck you, mum - United Kingdom

Today, marks the sixth day in a row that my mum has called me to discuss my upcoming wedding. She's obsessed and has intimidated the actual planner I hired into going along with her plans. She's slipped up twice already and accidentally referred to it as her own wedding. Just great. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Kick the bum out, part 2

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

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By naomi3271

Loud fart

Today, I was accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

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By messyvictor - United States

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

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Top comments

By Bee123_fml | 0

#9657 - Sunday 1 March 2009 2:23

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....no seriously her life is the fucked up one

By CDub7888 | 0

#34058 - Monday 16 March 2009 5:06

That does kinda suck. But I'll have to agree with everyone else and say that it's probably a lot worse for her. Sorry about that.

COMMENTS

By Bee123_fml | 0

#9657 - Sunday 1 March 2009 2:23

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....no seriously her life is the fucked up one

By CDub7888 | 0

#34058 - Monday 16 March 2009 5:06

That does kinda suck. But I'll have to agree with everyone else and say that it's probably a lot worse for her. Sorry about that.

By tateno | 0

#36948 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 7:02

i hope she likes you alot hahahahaa

By jrkwaddd | 0

#45014 - Friday 20 March 2009 15:47

Today, my boyfriend took me out for the first time. He opened the car door for me and then chuckled in an evil tone. When I asked him why he was laughing, I woke up in the hospital. FML

By girly_girl | 0

#61953 - Friday 27 March 2009 6:17

omg #9 did that really happen maybe he read this post lol but honsetly dude maybe u should like look after her or something maybe she will forgive u haha

WoldowJR | 25

#6062222 - Thursday 11 September 2014 14:37

...

By cinnamania | 3

#152401 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 2:40

Wow, that sucks.
Hope things work out.

By 24788 | 6

#154646 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 22:03

Good luck on this one.

Mistakes happen, oh well.

By wax_soup | 0

#195220 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 19:44

Ironman vs Soap?

i mean 6 weeks ^^'?

By ZeroCSS | 0

#267062 - Thursday 4 June 2009 22:46

Lol you always close the door slowly just incase.

By loldude1337 | 0

#302912 - Sunday 14 June 2009 5:40

ydi for not making sure she's completely in the car before closing the door