Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next...

By pretty princess - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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Animals

Messed up

RIP in peace

Where are you?

By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By fmmmmlll - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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By jacky tu - United States

Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML

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By That_Indian_Guy - United States - Oviedo

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

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By anon - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

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By sixsix - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

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By Charles - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

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By howcanihelpyou - United States - Wantagh

Today, while working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, my boss asked me to check in one more patient before I left. He paid his $50 copay in nickels and dimes. FML

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By YOUFUCKINGFUCKSOCK - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I gave a big presentation at work, hoping to impress my boss and angle for a promotion. I was already nervous, but a co-worker at the back kept making goofy faces, causing me to repeatedly break into laughter. My boss accused me of being high, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By ksamp - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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By Forgotten - United States

Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML

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By "sadh3"

Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about 1st generation Pokémon ever since. FML

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By lauren - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML

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By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By kennyjhynes - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arvada

Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML

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By Thithien1 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

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By Vegetarian - Finland

Today, I found out that the so-called vegetarian soy sauce my mom has made for me several times has minced meat in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By Mr. King - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

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By Notyourstepmom - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

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By MonsterInLaw - United States - Lincoln

Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML

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By CK95 - United States

Today, I woke up after a night of New Year's Eve partying. I remember the night going great. What I don't remember is laying naked in the shower while my girlfriend ran water over my body to make me feel better. I also made my own funeral plans because I was convinced I was going to die. FML

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By kaynotentirelywrong - Canada - Repentigny

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

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By schoolkiddo - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By artsmart1 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By Isoldael - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

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By nobrows - United States - Malvern

Today, my sister gave me a makeover. I protested, but she insisted it'd look great. After an eternity of eyebrow plucking, she handed me the mirror. I now have extremely badly-drawn sharpie eyebrows. FML

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By Starchaser

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

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By Oh No...

Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML

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By shutupandsmile18 - United States

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

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By trainhump - Australia

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

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By dkajxu - Singapore

Today, while studying in the middle of the night, my dad came home drunk. I helped him to the sofa and after clearing up his mess, he started going on about how useless my sister Vanessa was, and how good a daughter I am. I am Vanessa. FML

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By Sad - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

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Top comments

By OEsEben | 0

#199 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:45

my girlfriend does this

By VexDraham | 0

#8632 - Friday 27 February 2009 17:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thats so great! I love your cat! lol.

COMMENTS

By OEsEben | 0

#199 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:45

my girlfriend does this

Wreckless_fml | 6

#3224233 - Friday 2 September 2011 20:42

Hate it when that happens.

By djdeathwish | 0

#418 - Friday 6 February 2009 21:31

Your own fault for having a cat.

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5083098 - Friday 26 October 2012 4:13

What's wrong with cats? They have just as much right to be in a home as any other thing, be it animal or man.

jessie841 | 11

#6368630 - Sunday 2 August 2015 2:41

I tend to agree.... Most cats aren't that nice

By VexDraham | 0

#8632 - Friday 27 February 2009 17:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thats so great! I love your cat! lol.

By pacmanaids | 0

#32942 - Sunday 15 March 2009 17:15

I lol'd so hard at this. Your cat is awesome.

By leye | 0

#58834 - Thursday 26 March 2009 1:40

aha #2...I feel sorry for you...LMAO!!

funny cat... :P

By l30n | 0

#75401 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 22:19

I hate cats.

me127 | 17

#6167145 - Friday 9 January 2015 1:05

I hate you.

By trapiadora | 0

#216664 - Thursday 21 May 2009 7:08

Oh what thats wierd. Maybe you should get a new cat. jk

By SAF_fml | 0

#281759 - Monday 8 June 2009 5:51

Dont get a new cat, this one is obviously smart and likes you in a cute weird way

By lakeylove | 0

#385401 - Friday 10 July 2009 22:54

Your cat likes you! Sharing is caring!

By bigraws23 | 0

#401292 - Thursday 16 July 2009 14:48

What's a touch me not cat?

ThisRandomChild | 0

#2793017 - Thursday 30 June 2011 20:01

The cat doesn't want to be touched. Not too difficult a concept really. Cats suck anyways.