Animals: Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next...

By pretty princess - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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Animals

Empathy hurts

Big bastard boss

The sweet smell of success

By Noname - United States

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

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By DerrickUhl - United States - Napa

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

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By Casdmo

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

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By CalledOut - United States - Vancouver

Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Stir crazy

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

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By State

Today, my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I had to decline because the bride's family has deep prison gang ties and I'm a correctional officer. FML

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By nazooer - United States

Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML

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By Flarewolf - United Kingdom

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Campina

Today, it's been 3 months since my dog scratched my 9 year old granddaughter after she walked over and repeatedly kicked him. My daughter has disowned me and won't let me see my own grandchildren until I have my companion of 11 years "destroyed". FML

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By potatoes - United States

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

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By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

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By Jay - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

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By involuntary waxing - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

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By baddormgirl - United States

Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 02:00

Looks aren't everything

Today, I was watching "My 600-lb Life". Most of the people on the show are married or in relationships. I cant even find a relationship. FML

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By VDM - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport, that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By WHY - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

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By moikristine - Norway - Fagerstrand

Today, I got an email saying the gift I'd ordered for my boyfriend of three years had been sent. I ordered it a couple of days ago because I thought he needed cheering up. I guess he found a better way of doing so himself; he broke up with me yesterday. FML

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By foops - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

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By Radbaby

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

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By roommateprobssss:( - United States

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

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By LonerCow - United States

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

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By Anonymous

That's kinda handy!

Today, my boyfriend and I found out that we were cheating on each other with the same person. FML

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By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

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By JoeyTheJedi - United States - Batesville

Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's been a death in the family, then abruptly hangs up. I speed home, to find my mother holding the tiny corpse of a fish that she got 2 weeks ago. I got fired for being late to work. FML

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By notnow - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my psychiatrist said, "Well, good luck." at the end of my appointment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

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By MoRuined - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

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By SpookyBiscuits

Today, my boss wants to sort people in his contact list by last name, so I showed him how to switch the sorting from first to last. He tried to correct it by writing the first name in the last name spot and vise versa. Now he wants me to go through and change them all back. All 200+ of them. FML

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Top comments

By OEsEben | 0

#199 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:45

my girlfriend does this

By VexDraham | 0

#8632 - Friday 27 February 2009 17:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thats so great! I love your cat! lol.

COMMENTS

By OEsEben | 0

#199 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:45

my girlfriend does this

Wreckless_fml | 6

#3224233 - Friday 2 September 2011 20:42

Hate it when that happens.

By djdeathwish | 0

#418 - Friday 6 February 2009 21:31

Your own fault for having a cat.

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5083098 - Friday 26 October 2012 4:13

What's wrong with cats? They have just as much right to be in a home as any other thing, be it animal or man.

jessie841 | 11

#6368630 - Sunday 2 August 2015 2:41

I tend to agree.... Most cats aren't that nice

By VexDraham | 0

#8632 - Friday 27 February 2009 17:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thats so great! I love your cat! lol.

By pacmanaids | 0

#32942 - Sunday 15 March 2009 17:15

I lol'd so hard at this. Your cat is awesome.

By leye | 0

#58834 - Thursday 26 March 2009 1:40

aha #2...I feel sorry for you...LMAO!!

funny cat... :P

By l30n | 0

#75401 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 22:19

I hate cats.

me127 | 17

#6167145 - Friday 9 January 2015 1:05

I hate you.

By trapiadora | 0

#216664 - Thursday 21 May 2009 7:08

Oh what thats wierd. Maybe you should get a new cat. jk

By SAF_fml | 0

#281759 - Monday 8 June 2009 5:51

Dont get a new cat, this one is obviously smart and likes you in a cute weird way

By lakeylove | 0

#385401 - Friday 10 July 2009 22:54

Your cat likes you! Sharing is caring!

By bigraws23 | 0

#401292 - Thursday 16 July 2009 14:48

What's a touch me not cat?

ThisRandomChild | 0

#2793017 - Thursday 30 June 2011 20:01

The cat doesn't want to be touched. Not too difficult a concept really. Cats suck anyways.