Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers.... - FML

By bluntedone - 3/2/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

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Family values

Caught red-handed

Long story short

By dumbblonde - 6/8/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By humiliated - 26/2/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

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By disaster... - 20/5/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 17:04 - United States

Today, I saw a man dancing to a Britney Spears song in his Volkswagen Beetle. I started laughing hysterically until he got out. He was huge. I was stuck in traffic. FML

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By cbarebo - 11/10/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

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By Username - 21/4/2011 13:55

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

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By grrr1234 - 1/7/2012 16:00

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

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By loganHchrist - 9/1/2014 00:53 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

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By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

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By Zuzubat - 5/9/2013 23:29 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, a soon-to-be-ex co-worker flew into a rage when she saw she wasn't on the schedule for next week. The boss told her it's because she quit. She reminded the boss she wants to keep working part-time. My new job is inventing tasks for her to do to keep her calm. FML

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By damnedbydurberg - 22/11/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

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By FarisH - 31/5/2010 09:15 - Jordan

Today, I went to my orthodontist where I was informed that I'll going to the prom, to my brother's wedding, and maybe to university with braces in my mouth. FML

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By imscrewed - 11/4/2013 07:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I had just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML

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By fatty - 21/11/2012 06:20 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

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By Heyhey - 8/12/2008 08:46 - France

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

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By BroadcitySF - 28/2/2016 03:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 20:00 - Australia

Itchy and Scratchy

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

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By freakingow - 14/2/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

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By down trodden - 5/9/2013 07:45 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

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By idonthavereligion - 29/5/2015 04:16 - United States - Palmer

Today, I started my day off with a relaxing cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sound of my mother informing me I will be going to hell for being not believing in God. FML

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By colorfulgina - 12/12/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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By thanksmom - 20/7/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

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By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

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By bruh_im18 - 17/9/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By lemonadedisguise - 18/7/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

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By Kyokushin - 3/6/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 19:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

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By Ignatius - 7/6/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

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By TecheyTim - 1/4/2015 17:46 - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2015 09:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

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By hoaloha - 30/7/2012 04:40 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By ljcxo17 - 1/7/2011 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By knife knife - 20/9/2016 00:38 - United Kingdom - Dalkeith

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

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By stickyickystone - 21/7/2019 14:12

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

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By Softball - 8/7/2015 13:58 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML

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By sick and lonely - 27/8/2016 03:19 - United States - Rockford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

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By thedeadone - 15/7/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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By where's the epipen - 23/10/2016 06:41 - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By anon - 13/5/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

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By Violated - 9/12/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man's shoulder. When I woke up, I discovered that not only did he not object, but he decided to return the favor by resting his hand on my thigh. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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Top comments

By linzhart333 | 8

#38276 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 22:28

wow what the fuck? $400??? you're DESPERATE, dude.

By jimmythegirl | 0

#15629 - Thursday 5 March 2009 4:49

bahahahaha
but really why did you spend $400 at a stripclub.............

Comments

By freekshowz | 0

#75 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 3:11

Haha, you didnt see the package? =P

By quiksta | 0

#2128 - Saturday 14 February 2009 13:20

@#7 i guess bob, you understand the difference between sex, but not species. a dog is a different animal than humans, understand? therefore, it has different holes. i'm sure if one really was determined, it would work out fine and dandy. since you're so interested, keep us all posted.

By Eir_fml | 1

#4105 - Thursday 19 February 2009 23:58

@8: he can respond with go screw a corpse. It's human, right.

By cobrakid77678 | 0

#8925 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By immaculate | 0

#12826 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 18:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

claireful | 4

#2598708 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 8:12

Woah! Since when did all strip clubs become prostitution rings?

Reply

MasqueradePrince | 25

#5717822 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 2:38

I have no idea, but that does sound Quite fun. Transsexuals and Cross-dressers are just so lovely!!!

By jimmythegirl | 0

#15629 - Thursday 5 March 2009 4:49

bahahahaha
but really why did you spend $400 at a stripclub.............

Reply

azhein | 0

#968750 - Friday 26 March 2010 20:23

not only that but why would you want to get a strippers number. a shemales at yhat

Reply

ZombieSazza | 34

#6280028 - Sunday 3 May 2015 1:23

I know, escorts are cheaper.

By Guiseppi | 0

#17809 - Friday 6 March 2009 9:42

Wow... The fact that you would spend that much money even for legitimate women is perplexing.

By linzhart333 | 8

#38276 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 22:28

wow what the fuck? $400??? you're DESPERATE, dude.

By Boudica | 0

#43927 - Friday 20 March 2009 1:29

Love has no boundaries!

By ryntyn | 0

#44689 - Friday 20 March 2009 9:35

EL OH FREAKIN EL