Work: Today, I was standing on a desk at work to run wiring in a suspended...

By fonsui - United States

Today, I was standing on a desk at work to run wiring in a suspended ceiling, since we have no ladder. My phone rang, I rushed to answer it, tripping and smashing my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me he was bringing over a ladder. FML

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Work

Family values

Knock off

Always call first

By mudy247

Today, it took me longer than it should have with a bit of calculations to remember how old I am. FML

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By Sabre

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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By Peter80 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By mastermind

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

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By chronic

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Pomona

Halloween came early

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

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By wetboy - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML

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By sen - United States

Today, I was sleeping when my roommate walked in and asked me: "So...when are you leaving?" She had decided to throw a party in our apartment. I wasn't invited. FML

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By kiwi - United States

Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

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By princev - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By Dirtyswede - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

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By AnnoyedWoman - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

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By fuckingfloridahowihatethee - United States - Punta Gorda

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

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By Today

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wheaton

Today, my girlfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I gave her a call. No reply. I texted her, and got a text back saying: "Sorry, dude. Better luck next time!" FML

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By not_trained_for_this - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

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By funnygirl018 - United States

Today, it was my very last day teaching my dance class. After the class ended, the owner of the studio started clapping and told all my students to give me a hug. No one hugged me. No one. FML

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By why?? - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

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By DumbFish

Today, I got up the courage to go to a nice place for lunch alone. I wasn't expecting the tilapia I ordered to be the whole fish, so I asked the waiter for a box because, "I forgot about an appointment in 20 minutes," just so he wouldn't think I was an idiot who didn't know what I was ordering. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

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By peacexout108 - United States

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 14:00

How to make a sociopath

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, while in heavy traffic on the highway, a motorcyclist managed to t-bone my car. He picked himself up, glanced at the side of my car, and quickly drove off, all in the space of a few seconds. I just got an expensive paint job on this thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

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By whywasitthere - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By roxyriley - United States

Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. I was face to face with hairy muff. FML

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By clewie - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By cs - United States

Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I had to use the restroom while at work. I had the choice of the stall with a broken lock, or the stall with a huge crack in the partition wall. Not two minutes after I sat down, I noticed someone peeking in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

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By leonieNL - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

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By stickyandwet - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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By tony1401 - United States

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

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Top comments

By dani_fizzle | 0

#121005 - Saturday 18 April 2009 3:08

it's times like this you wish there was a "you had it coming" button instead...

By Whydoyouask | 11

#2389774 - Friday 22 April 2011 21:36

I will never understand why people rush to answer their phone. Too many FMLs of people diving for their phones only to hurt themselfs/break something. Chill out, worst case scenario you have to call them back, not that big of a deal :/

COMMENTS

By dani_fizzle | 0

#121005 - Saturday 18 April 2009 3:08

it's times like this you wish there was a "you had it coming" button instead...

By Squirrellord911 | 0

#121043 - Saturday 18 April 2009 3:27

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

By Ucla_cupcake | 0

#525907 - Sunday 30 August 2009 7:01

Oh, the irony lol

By hollisterlover64 | 0

#594930 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 1:51

lmfaoo! that sucks though. hope you are okay! :]

By Quet | 0

#643234 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:51

You suck at grammer.

kpo216 | 0

#832588 - Sunday 7 February 2010 8:08

this is bullshit and never happened and why doesn't anyone lock their doors on this site

Synoptical | 10

#6086066 - Friday 10 October 2014 16:28

*grammar.

By inui | 0

#1932549 - Thursday 6 January 2011 4:34

worker's comp :D

By RoliPoli | 0

#2210734 - Sunday 20 March 2011 12:31

Haha, that's just typical. Should have waited

By Whydoyouask | 11

#2389774 - Friday 22 April 2011 21:36

katmstein | 18

#7576699 - Monday 18 December 2017 18:13

agree, also, they'd probably leave a message

By nerdy96birdy | 8

#3857347 - Monday 9 January 2012 22:06

You should really learn to be patient

By alera_fml | 12

#4317985 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 20:31

Workers comp doesn't pay for stupidity. Sorry, about your leg.