Miscellaneous: Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead... - FML

By Miko - United States

Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead of the Super Bowl. I'm a guy. FML

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*Friends theme music plays*

Kick the bum out, part 2

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having a driving lesson. I ended up driving so badly that my instructor asked me to stop the car. Not so he could explain my mistakes to me, but so he could get out and vomit. FML

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By toothbreaker - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought my very first college textbook. I received a stack of hole-punched papers. My $195 "book" isn’t even bound together. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Halifax

Today, I finally found out why my husband is always so eager and happy to buy me whatever I am craving during my pregnancy. It's because it gives him an excuse to meet up with his mistress and have a quickie. FML

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By Anonymous

Where is everyone?

Today, I tried to have a game night at my house. Suggesting a popular card game that everyone plays, snacks, and BYOB. No one showed or even said they weren't coming. FML

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By anashaalmajiid - United States

Today, my dad and a construction worker were having a long talk. I heard the door slam, and assumed that this worker had left. So I yelled out "Hey dad what were you talking about? Did you talk slowly so the idiot could understand?" Turns out my dad was the one who had walked out. FML

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By Anony Mous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML

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By iamshrimpy - Canada

Today, I logged onto Facebook with a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML

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By S. Fancyson - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By dntstopmenow - United Kingdom

Today, I was writing a very important email to my college professor. I went upstairs for something and came back down to send it. I later asked him today why he hadn't responded to which he said "I'm flattered...but can't." My roommate had added "love you xxx" at the end of the email. FML

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By zombielover1 - United States

Today, while eating a Subway sandwich, I was watching a comedian on TV. As he said his signature line, I laughed hysterically and accidentally snorted a jalapeño into my nose. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to snort out the little piece that got lodged into my nostril. FML

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By Painfulfaceforme - Canada

Today, I followed an acne treatment. It was only after I'd finished the treatment that I read the bottom line, stating "Do not scrub your face". I only had one pimple to start with, now it looks like I sandpapered my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

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By Mouhahaa - France

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

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By financially_wreckd

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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By brokenhearted - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

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By wasteoftime

Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML

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By Central

Mom of the century

Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2020 11:05

Compassion

Today, one of my friends got upset with me because I’m leaving our high school. The high school I have been bullied at for the past 3 years. FML

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By driver - New Zealand

Today, I went to start my truck that I had parked in my driveway after a longhaul. The fuel gauge indicated I had a full tank. I didn't fill up. My neighbours' son decided to fill the tank with water with a hose. 150 litres worth on top of diesel. His dad's response: "Kids eh, what ya gonna do?" FML

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By Loser - United States

Today, I learned that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I got it from playing too much World of Warcraft. I got a disease in real life by living in a virtual world. FML

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By AstralLuna - 5/3/2021 08:01 - United States - Sacramento

Keep up!

Today, I, a demigirl struggling with her identity, have decided to change my name. When I told my dad in therapy (of all places) that I was a demigirl, he struggled to understand me. When I told my mom I was changing my name, she yelled at me and refused to call me it. And she wonders why I don't trust her. FML

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By thanks a lot mom - United States - Sloughhouse

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

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By Festivaler - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By HoboWithACondom

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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By Alex - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By JackOLantern2099

Observational comedy

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

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By Bortenssen - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

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By HereForJAMMF

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

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By BoooMa - 31/3/2021 20:00

Not good enough

Today, my ex-fiancé got married. He left me at the altar last year because the thought of marriage and “taking such a big step” scared him. He’s only been with his new girlfriend for 6 months. Apparently I’m not good enough to marry. FML

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By forever dog-less

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By shitballs_911 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

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By minimazing

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

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By NotSoAnon - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

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Top comments

By ddrluna | 2

#200533 - Friday 15 May 2009 4:30

Oh no, not someone who has different tastes in what they watch!

Don't be a mindless dipshit drone. Who cares about what other people think?

As for all of the other morons clinging desperately to their manhood and trying to look masculine in calling this guy a '***'... Shut the fuck up. We all know you're just a bunch of closet-homos anyway.

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1040 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:38

Dont worry about it, I hate sports, theres some decent movies on there, a few......

COMMENTS

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1040 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:38

Dont worry about it, I hate sports, theres some decent movies on there, a few......

Reply

bwinski | 19

#5054929 - Thursday 18 October 2012 7:27

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

melkymac101 | 17

#5890929 - Thursday 20 March 2014 18:39

I love you for this

Reply

Inquizeron | 18

#6274751 - Monday 27 April 2015 5:55

A bunch of brain dead morons ramming into each other over a pigskin isn't manly. Football is just pussy rugby. In rugby they're actually fit, while football players are just fat. And rugby players don't even wear padding.

Reply

sureshadow | 23

#6460164 - Friday 13 November 2015 2:42

Football players aren't fat.

By VivaLaJewFace | 0

#1458 - Thursday 12 February 2009 3:17

ay, at least it wasn't the puppy bowl.

Reply

code2264 | 0

#1087647 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 6:49

I love the puppy bowl I watch it every year!
football is boring

By cobrakid77678 | 0

#7815 - Thursday 26 February 2009 17:46

i dont like football myself. and all the football players at my school are assholes

By hospitalboyhaha | 0

#9864 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Doesuff | 0

#14532 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 18:08

Did you turn gay immediately from that? I heard also sitting to close to other guys also does the trick! Be careful!

Reply

Dannielleroset | 11

#6156867 - Monday 29 December 2014 3:00

This is so obviously sarcasm. I don't understand why it has so many down votes.

By tjbaldy242 | 0

#16696 - Thursday 5 March 2009 21:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By slim99 | 0

#24111 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 10:51

oxygen?

Reply

junjunbun | 28

#6505192 - Friday 8 January 2016 17:57

I honestly don't know what that is either #15 :/

By DamianL | 0

#52333 - Monday 23 March 2009 13:40

Football sucks.. We need Oxygen.. go with that one!

By rxxk | 0

#55613 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 19:13

Dude, fuck the superbowl. Football's gay :]

By thalik | 0

#77675 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:14

I was watching Star Trek during the 2008 super bowl, and loved every minute of it.