Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead... - FML

By Miko - 1/2/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead of the Super Bowl. I'm a guy. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

The end of the road

Make it work

By TabbyCat87 - 18/10/2019 16:00

Cursed lake

Today, our boat broke down in the middle of a lake at sunset. We called our friend for help, and his truck and trailer got stuck in mud at the boat ramp. We called the sheriff's office to tow his vehicle out of the mud. The tow strap broke. FML

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By Unknown - 15/12/2016 22:49 - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

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By anonymous - 24/11/2015 19:38 - Switzerland - Unterageri

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

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By wrongguy - 11/5/2013 23:04 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend woke me up the same way he always does, by pulling on my hair. Just to be playful, I pulled him down on top of me and kissed him. Turns out his brother thought it would be funny to wake people up the same way. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 13:32 - India - Vijayawada

Dreams Never End

Today, I finally convinced my mother to allow me pursue my dream job after months of begging. I logged in to the college's website to register for the course and found that the final seat had been filled in today and I need to wait one more year for admission. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 04:29 - Korea Republic of

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warns me that a pattern of damaged passports will result in longer processing periods, she spills her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 20:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

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By annoyedwithkids - 2/7/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

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By Mom - 11/6/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 10:28 - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2017 16:00

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

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By Chewy - 5/1/2010 10:45 - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

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By Imagino1234 - 14/12/2016 18:52 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my mother sent off a handmade Christmas wreath I made for my 70-year-old grandmother. It wasn't until after it was sent that we realized the box it was packed in was originally for adult diapers. FML

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By Scarred - 22/9/2018 12:00

Today, my Nana asked me to get her a book from her nightstand, but failed to specify which nightstand was hers. I stumbled across my grandparents' collection of sex toys instead. FML

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By Mew - 4/6/2009 12:07 - United States

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

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By bcca - 13/2/2012 14:22 - United States

Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - 12/10/2012 09:27 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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By Cashier - 9/3/2011 05:36 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a grocery store cashier. I felt a hand slap my ass. Turning around I saw an old man winking at me and I screamed. When my manager came to deal with the problem she didn't believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for 'the trouble' I caused. FML

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By anonymous - 25/6/2013 06:12 - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By violatedinden - 24/8/2009 00:57 - United States

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

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By SeeingLlamas - 17/4/2012 09:38 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

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By JBK06262009 - 12/11/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, I was informed by my boss that he has been stealing quarters out of my change bowl to pay for his bus rides. He makes six times the amount I make. FML

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By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 2/3/2020 18:00

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

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By ...... - 16/5/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

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By JSeth - 4/7/2009 16:52 - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

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By brbkillingmyself - 8/8/2015 22:52 - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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By moneyman22 - 1/3/2010 19:09 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 11:25 - United States

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

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By anonymous - 31/3/2015 16:47 - United States - Denver

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

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By sucksforme - 12/9/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

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By guessthatsatrickthen - 31/10/2015 17:19 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

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By Moe - 25/9/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

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By Sad and hungry - 25/4/2020 17:00

Tasty!

Today, my in-laws invited us over to dinner. I decided to help out in the kitchen and watched in horror as my mother-in-law licked every utensil, sucked her fingers while making the plates and slurped wine straight from the bottle. My husband said I was rude for refusing to eat. FML

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By aziraphaleelle - 18/3/2014 08:10 - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

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By mrmr - 7/2/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and the glass sliding door was jammed. I tugged it, and it shattered all over me. I was naked. FML

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By zAstonish - 25/9/2015 15:03 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML

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By missyoudad. - 31/8/2010 07:54 - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

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Top comments

By ddrluna | 2

#200533 - Friday 15 May 2009 4:30

Oh no, not someone who has different tastes in what they watch!

Don't be a mindless dipshit drone. Who cares about what other people think?

As for all of the other morons clinging desperately to their manhood and trying to look masculine in calling this guy a '***'... Shut the fuck up. We all know you're just a bunch of closet-homos anyway.

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1040 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:38

Dont worry about it, I hate sports, theres some decent movies on there, a few......

COMMENTS

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1040 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:38

Dont worry about it, I hate sports, theres some decent movies on there, a few......

Reply

bwinski | 19

#5054929 - Thursday 18 October 2012 7:27

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

melkymac101 | 17

#5890929 - Thursday 20 March 2014 18:39

I love you for this

Reply

Inquizeron | 18

#6274751 - Monday 27 April 2015 5:55

A bunch of brain dead morons ramming into each other over a pigskin isn't manly. Football is just pussy rugby. In rugby they're actually fit, while football players are just fat. And rugby players don't even wear padding.

Reply

sureshadow | 23

#6460164 - Friday 13 November 2015 2:42

Football players aren't fat.

By VivaLaJewFace | 0

#1458 - Thursday 12 February 2009 3:17

ay, at least it wasn't the puppy bowl.

Reply

code2264 | 0

#1087647 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 6:49

I love the puppy bowl I watch it every year!
football is boring

By cobrakid77678 | 0

#7815 - Thursday 26 February 2009 17:46

i dont like football myself. and all the football players at my school are assholes

By hospitalboyhaha | 0

#9864 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Doesuff | 0

#14532 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 18:08

Did you turn gay immediately from that? I heard also sitting to close to other guys also does the trick! Be careful!

Reply

Dannielleroset | 11

#6156867 - Monday 29 December 2015 3:00

This is so obviously sarcasm. I don't understand why it has so many down votes.

By tjbaldy242 | 0

#16696 - Thursday 5 March 2009 21:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By slim99 | 0

#24111 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 10:51

oxygen?

Reply

junjunbun | 28

#6505192 - Friday 8 January 2016 17:57

I honestly don't know what that is either #15 :/

By DamianL | 0

#52333 - Monday 23 March 2009 13:40

Football sucks.. We need Oxygen.. go with that one!

By rxxk | 0

#55613 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 19:13

Dude, fuck the superbowl. Football's gay :]

By thalik | 0

#77675 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:14

I was watching Star Trek during the 2008 super bowl, and loved every minute of it.