Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself.... - FML

By frankrizzo - Canada

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

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Out of it

Emergency haircut

Dicks aplenty!

By ... - France

Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML

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By Toooldforthisshit - United States - New London

Today, I found out the girl my boyfriend was seeing just before me, is pregnant... FML

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By ... - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

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By username - 6/6/2020 08:04

Keep out

Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, being too poor to buy makeup, I walked into Macy's and "tested" some products out, just so I could look nice for my job interview. FML

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By MisterMisinformed - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By good job brain - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a job interview. I was asked what my dream job would be. I blurted out, "The president, because I think it's a very cool and important job." I don't think I'm getting this one. FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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By edot - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

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By

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By IcyWinter - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

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By duncan74 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

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By kaitlin - Australia

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

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By time to put you down, gran - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

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By Diet_Water - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, I wore my boyfriend's favorite shirt to surprise him and show him how sexy I look. He made me take it off and pay the bill for dry cleaner. FML

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By

Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML

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By Zzz - United States - Brighton

Today, I took a team meeting from home. More specifically, my bed. Because I make great decisions, I ended up falling asleep. At some point during my nap, my cat walked over my keyboard, turning on my webcam. I woke up to my video on and no one left in the meeting. Everyone saw. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By HiRveryone - United States - Centre

Today, I had to be the designated driver for my mom and aunt. While driving them home, my aunt threw up on the car floor and my mom peed her pants, leaving a puddle in the seat. It was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after applying sunscreen to myself every two hours, I still got sunburned. Through my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was on the treadmill at the gym, when I felt my pants start slipping. I tried to pull them up, but lost my balance and fell face-first onto the floor. When I go to my wedding tomorrow, half the guests will probably think I've exchanged my fiancé for Chris Brown. FML

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By Lifeless - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

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By EwwGross - United States

Today, I witnessed my neighbor draining his sewage-clogged plumbing into my backyard. FML

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By Conor Moreau - 18/8/2020 23:02

Parental approval

Today, I left my favorite hoodie in the kitchen. Not 5 seconds after I left the kitchen to go to my room, I overheard my dad say, "Any chance we can just throw that out before he notices?" FML

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By Teacher - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML

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By skmusic - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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By RachelDC - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

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By bbcgj - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, my internet was so slow I couldn't even load an internet speed test to see how slow my internet was. FML

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By Teeny

gross

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

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By ryan and Zack - United States

Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year old boyfriend having sex. FML

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By Yuni - United States

Mom of the year

Today, I went to a restaurant that I always go to, and one of the cute waiters gave me a discount. My mother called me a whore in the middle of the restaurant, then slapped me when I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

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By notgoodenough38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

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By ThroatSlasher - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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Top comments

By unimportant | 0

#22995 - Monday 9 March 2009 7:24

personally i would have shot myself after that
but very interesting..

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1039 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:36

LOL!!!! In the future, it'd probably be best not to sleep in front of your relatives. :)

COMMENTS

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1039 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:36

LOL!!!! In the future, it'd probably be best not to sleep in front of your relatives. :)

By Sipos | 0

#4679 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:14

embarrassing...

By unimportant | 0

#22995 - Monday 9 March 2009 7:24

personally i would have shot myself after that
but very interesting..

By Ivy_fml | 0

#25602 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 1:38

LMAO! PWNED

By __susan__ | 0

#113965 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:17

BBBBAAAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE YOU SUCK SO BAD! you make me look like a saint! HhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! i just got done crying...and laughing like a highena for 10 minutes! roflmao! fuck your life!

Reply

VacuumNinja | 0

#969519 - Saturday 27 March 2010 23:23

I'm really surprised you didn't say "Fuck you're life."

Reply

cageddreamz | 4

#1595399 - Sunday 24 October 2010 17:24

lol

By popcorncomics | 0

#115125 - Thursday 16 April 2009 4:40

LOL!

Reply

amanda_d95 | 9

#3920958 - Saturday 21 January 2012 22:56

Your comment and picture go together very well

By wwword | 0

#129390 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 15:06

LOL #8 but like if its your own cousin or sibling...thats just fucked...

Reply

ndvorsky | 4

#4097864 - Monday 27 February 2012 23:03

But it is ok if it is your parents or grandma?

By fullstrength | 0

#137809 - Friday 24 April 2009 0:11

how can you dream of that kind of shit when your in a room full of your relatives

Reply

Funkymunky1511 | 4

#4976458 - Thursday 27 September 2012 2:43

How can you control your dream??? Your dumb question..:))

Reply

Puffpie | 24

#6162783 - Sunday 4 January 2015 22:04

You can't control a dream unless it's a lucid dream. And this most likely wasn't

By PokeyStix | 3

#272224 - Saturday 6 June 2009 0:17

THAT IS HILARIOUS

By ericavel | 0

#288899 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 8:33

Hahahahaha seriously made me cry laughing. This is by far the funniest FML I have EVER read.