Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself.... - FML

By frankrizzo - 1/2/2009 17:29 - Canada

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

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Fear factor

Emergency haircut

Whatthefuckaburger

By ultraattitude - 14/6/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

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By some band player - 10/3/2014 02:09 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

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By Stupid - 18/9/2013 08:46 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have replace my $120 calculator. FML

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By eslteacher - 13/5/2009 04:39 - Korea Republic of

Today, while teaching English in Korea, my boss gave me a birthday present from her and all of my co-workers. It was a really fancy box. It had very nice wrapping. It had a pretty bow. It was kind of heavy. It was 6 bottles of dandruff shampoo. FML

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By Jordan - 10/8/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I am into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

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By RhiannonMuh - 9/9/2016 20:01 - Germany - Starnberg

Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML

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By :/ - 4/3/2014 13:37

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

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By Pushover - 13/2/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend of 8 years cheating on me. I punched him in the face, he broke up with me. And I still had to cook him an entire turkey dinner. FML

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By - 18/1/2020 05:00

Very frustrating

Today my Assistant Manager decided to pull a prank on me by walking up behind me and screaming my name. I screamed in terror and then swung around and punched him full force dead center in the chest right in front of my supervisor, manager, and several other employees. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2016 14:09 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 16:14 - United States

Today, my mom tried to convince my dad that I was a lesbian. Why? Because she was bored. FML

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By Angela - 4/1/2012 19:01 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office. People kept staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. Later, I realized my sister's puppies had chewed a noticeable hole in my pants' crotch. FML

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By CatLover - 6/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By lean_mean_meme_machine - 10/12/2016 19:07 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 16:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, whom I have been with for 4 years. I've been in Australia for the last 2 months and before I left, he bought a box of 12 condoms, saying we would use them when I got back. We went to the bedroom and I opened the box. There was one left. FML

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By dirtbikeguy - 23/7/2015 13:05 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 14:00

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By guyshithappensto - 22/5/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

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By burned_away - 19/8/2009 18:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML

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By wotwzombie - 11/3/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By Beeh - 24/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I shared the story of my younger brother's unexpected death with a friend. After telling him the story, I looked at him with teary eyes and he looked back into my eyes and said "I understand how you feel. That is almost as bad as when I lost my cat last spring term." FML

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By Topher - 25/8/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

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By bad friend - 22/10/2019 05:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

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By OkieThePokie - 7/8/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me! FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 13:17 - United States - Waldorf

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four month old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

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By kohler9790 - 22/2/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML

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By kayt240 - 4/5/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - 17/2/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By Teeny - 9/3/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

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By vikingunicorn - 3/2/2011 12:52 - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

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By Googlebug - 1/11/2010 10:15 - United States

Today, my dad, who lives hours away, called and told me he was getting married. Today. As in this evening. Guess I'm not invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 19:40 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

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By Emily J. - 18/6/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

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By LonelySanta - 24/12/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I found out that when you chase a couple of squirrels off your porch for irritating your dogs, sometimes they chase you back. FML

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By damn - 9/4/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By Timeless - 24/2/2009 05:22 - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 16:38 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML

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By fyourlife - 21/10/2009 19:53 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

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Top comments

By unimportant | 0

#22995 - Monday 9 March 2009 7:24

personally i would have shot myself after that
but very interesting..

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1039 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:36

LOL!!!! In the future, it'd probably be best not to sleep in front of your relatives. :)

Comments

By NotSprinkles | 0

#1039 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:36

LOL!!!! In the future, it'd probably be best not to sleep in front of your relatives. :)

By Sipos | 0

#4679 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:14

embarrassing...

By unimportant | 0

#22995 - Monday 9 March 2009 7:24

personally i would have shot myself after that
but very interesting..

By Ivy_fml | 0

#25602 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 1:38

LMAO! PWNED

By __susan__ | 0

#113965 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:17

BBBBAAAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE YOU SUCK SO BAD! you make me look like a saint! HhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! i just got done crying...and laughing like a highena for 10 minutes! roflmao! fuck your life!

Reply

VacuumNinja | 0

#969519 - Saturday 27 March 2010 23:23

I'm really surprised you didn't say "Fuck you're life."

Reply

cageddreamz | 4

#1595399 - Sunday 24 October 2010 17:24

lol

By popcorncomics | 0

#115125 - Thursday 16 April 2009 4:40

LOL!

Reply

amanda_d95 | 9

#3920958 - Saturday 21 January 2012 22:56

Your comment and picture go together very well

By wwword | 0

#129390 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 15:06

LOL #8 but like if its your own cousin or sibling...thats just fucked...

Reply

ndvorsky | 4

#4097864 - Monday 27 February 2012 23:03

But it is ok if it is your parents or grandma?

By fullstrength | 0

#137809 - Friday 24 April 2009 0:11

how can you dream of that kind of shit when your in a room full of your relatives

Reply

Funkymunky1511 | 4

#4976458 - Thursday 27 September 2012 2:43

How can you control your dream??? Your dumb question..:))

Reply

Puffpie | 24

#6162783 - Sunday 4 January 2015 22:04

You can't control a dream unless it's a lucid dream. And this most likely wasn't

By PokeyStix | 3

#272224 - Saturday 6 June 2009 0:17

THAT IS HILARIOUS

By ericavel | 0

#288899 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 8:33

Hahahahaha seriously made me cry laughing. This is by far the funniest FML I have EVER read.