Today, I was moving to the city with all my belongings when the trailer came unhitched, breaking the chains on my dad's homemade trailer. I then watched as the trailer narrowly missed a guardrail, went down a hill and into a river. My dad still won't admit he didn't latch the hitch. FML

by johnsj8 / 03/17/2011 at 11:11am / Transportation

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

by jezebel / 03/17/2011 at 10:43am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

by Peppermint / 03/17/2011 at 6:00am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Work

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

by Username / 03/17/2011 at 12:04am / Kids

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

by nooooo / 03/16/2011 at 9:25pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

by Abeille / 03/16/2011 at 8:50pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

by MacGrouber / 03/16/2011 at 8:12pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, after my 22 year old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

by WTF / 03/16/2011 at 6:05pm / Health

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were in a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2011 at 1:20pm / United Kingdom (London) / Money

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML

by thisblows / 03/16/2011 at 12:50pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML

by Almostfunny / 03/16/2011 at 9:01am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2011 at 8:53am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

by eric / 03/16/2011 at 3:31am / United States / Intimacy