Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

by lawl / 05/07/2011 at 9:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

jennifer93's comment : you shouldve just dropped her off on her corner

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Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

by bigcityfail / 05/07/2011 at 7:54am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

by sillyfox4lyfe / 05/07/2011 at 3:08am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

jbird1193's comment : no I don't. yes I do

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Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

by Kaz / 05/07/2011 at 2:40am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

ImInABox's comment : Not much of a Shakespeare, are ya?

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Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

by Anon / 05/07/2011 at 2:08am / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Intimacy

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

by Anonymous / 05/07/2011 at 1:58am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

by littlegirl / 05/07/2011 at 12:46am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2011 at 8:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

by in_pain / 05/06/2011 at 7:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

by msjustine / 05/06/2011 at 3:27pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2011 at 3:16pm / United Kingdom (Windsor and Maidenhead) / Holidays

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2011 at 2:09pm / Saudi Arabia / Intimacy

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

by eewww / 05/06/2011 at 11:47am / United Kingdom / Transportation