Stole the words right outta my mouth.

I dont get "turtle"

me either

YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO GET IT BITCH. ACCEPT IT. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT ITS A ******* TURTLE. EXCEPT THST ITS ******* GREEN AND HAS A SHELL LIKE A HARD CONDOM. GET IT IN YOUR GODDAMN HEAD AND MOVE THE **** ON WITH YOUR SHITTY AS FUCKPOT LIFE. Oh god I had caps lock on :O oops *surprised face*

81- you will probably be the first physical/cyber bully

No its awkward tuna

Ahurrhurr... better job with the snake. Man, OP, why in the world wouldn't she tell you before now? I mean, I can understand hiding a potential mate from children if you're unsure about how it'll work, but just suddenly popping up with moving in? She could have at least mentioned it while he was there.

This plumber is really lucky.

Even paleontologist?

President? Oh 'Bama! Poet? A poetry reading? I looooove poetry. Philosopher? He came. He saw. He came again. Pedologist? This guy asks you to soil your underwear before sex. Piano tuner? This person orgasms in middle C every time. Kinda creepy. Try it. Physicist? With your mom and the plumber, you can solve the three-body problem! Pediatrician? Let's not go there.

#14: I bestow upon you the reward of 10 Internets for making me laugh.

Yes, paleontologist. They really know how to handle old bones. Hot DILF action. Podiatrist? Paul Bunion swings his mighty axe. Foot fetish action. Provost? Hot coeds! Periodontist? You can't have good oral without healthy gums. Philatelist? Non-stop licking. Politician? Non-stop *******.

Proctologist? Ew.

aback, I agree that proctologist is "ew," but anal is pretty popular **** (how's that for alliterative P's?) And bladebot, you can work in pediatrician without going illegal. The porno pens: MILF: Oh, doctor, thank you for saving my child. I don't have insurance although President Barack Obama is doing his best to help me but the awful Republicans and the Astroturf right-wing movement are preventing him from doing the what we put him in office to do, so how can I ever repay you? (Removes top.) This may get edited in post-production.

Hmm... try jobs along the lines of: Police officer Pool boy Pizza delivery guy Plumber Professor Or Psychologist (http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF233-Psychoanalyst.jpg)

Hahaha, #14 FTW. But you deserve a better reward than internets. The internet is full of awful stuff.

Best FML comments ever. Props.

police officer? bondage! pool boy? he'll get you all wet,but he can also give you a towel to dry off! plumber? he can fix any leakage! professer? you can do math. he'll add the bed,you subtract your clothes,divide your legs,and you'll multiplyy!

pizza delivery guy

Oh my god, you just made my life.

I learned that from the pizza man