Today, I was told my eldest grandson doesn't want me at his birthday party, nor does he want my gift. It would seem he and his younger brother still haven't forgiven me for my prank on Easter, when I tricked them into thinking I was taking them to the 'Big Neighborhood Egg Hunt', when really we were going to church. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I met on a dating site. We hit it off, until he noticed the MAGA sticker on the back of my phone. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and never came back. I had to pay for both meals and explain to the waiter why I was practically crying into my bowl of noodles. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because I was having an affair in The Elder Scrolls Online. While ranting to my online elf husband, he got upset that I had a real life boyfriend and dumped me too. FML
Today, I had to sit and listen in mortification as my mother tearfully told our therapist how much sleep she loses over my being morbidly obese. She doesn't seem to care that I'm body positive and happy with the way I am. FML
Today, my son warned me that unless I get his older brother to stop picking on him, he’d do it himself. I didn’t take it seriously, until I got home from work to find he'd had beaten his brother unconscious. His justification was that he's warned me he’d "do it himself.“ FML
Today, a customer got pissed off and called me a "libtard" simply because I admitted that I had absolutely no clue who Charlie Kirk was, but I'm the one in trouble for telling him to GTFO because I don't take crap from people. FML
Today, I was recording a video for my online class. I say I tried, because my very chatty Siamese cat was yowling in the next room, then came in, leapt onto my desk, knocking over my mug onto my laptop. The recording caught me screaming and falling off my chair. FML
Everybody needs some time alone to sing it out... Just hope no one is recording it!
Today, after spending an exhausting amount of time trying to stay quiet so I didn’t wake my housemates, even to the point of catching the microwave before it went off, I dropped my bowl of food right in the middle of the hallway between the bedrooms with a loud clang. FML
I mean, it would be rude to refuse!
Today, I spent the day cleaning my apartment because my parents are visiting on Monday. I finally finished at midnight and went to bed exhausted. Then my mother called to say they couldn't make it after all. FML
Today, we got a dog. My husband was adamant that we should name him Gonit, so I agreed. A friend asked what the name meant, and my husband said, "Why wouldn't you name a dog Gonit?" Then I got it. FML
Today, I finally got an interview with my dream company. Everything went perfectly until the interviewer asked if I had any questions. I tried to say, "What do you enjoy most about working here?" Instead, I somehow asked, "Why do you still work here?" FML
Today, I was making small talk with a passenger in my taxi. He was heading to a job interview, so I tried to encourage him by saying, “Don’t worry, even if you mess up, there are plenty of other companies.” He paused then said, “I’m actually interviewing to save the company I already work for.” We spent the rest of the drive in silence. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend he has to stop paying half of his baby mama's rent or I would leave. He laughed and said I could leave. FML
Crushed it! (The bag of groceries, of course.)
It has been a tough week
Today, after getting off the phone with a client, I got horny so I put on some porn and cranked one out. After I'd finished, I realized I hadn't ended the call and neither had my client. They heard everything. FML
Today, I decided to open up to my friends about losing my dad last year. To my horror, all they could do was laugh at and mock me, all because I said that he "unalived" himself. FML
Today, at brunch, a friend started talking about wanting kids. The table immediately turned into a debate about whether having children is selfish, noble, irresponsible, or “bad for the planet.” The waiter came back 3 times asking if we were ready to order, while 8 adults argued over the future of humanity next to untouched eggs Benedict. FML
Today, my smoke alarm started chirping at 3 a.m. I replaced the battery, reset it, and got back into bed. Five minutes later, it chirped again. I searched for the source before realizing it was my roommate's alarm clock. FML
Today, a guy I liked is moving away. He gave me a flower, saying it was a farewell gift even though he's moving to my hometown where I'm also returning to. I was confused because while it wasn't a rose, this isn't common where we're from. He then told me he's been in love with our friend since their first conversation. FML
Today, I recently quit doing housework in protest at my husband's laziness around the house, forcing him to start pulling his weight. The house has never been so clean. Apparently, most of the mess was caused by me moving things to clean around them and making the mess worse. FML
Today, I thought I was on mute during a virtual watch party, and it's only after the third or fourth flappy fart that someone pointed this fact out to me. FML
Today, I dislocated my big toe doing a stupid stunt to impress a woman, who turned out to be married anyway. The toe won’t go back in, so the doctor thinks it might need a surgical fix. I don’t have insurance so this is going to be fucking expensive. FML
Today, I was uninvited to our usual family Thanksgiving, as well as the rest of the holidays with my extended family. Why? They found out who I voted for. I won't say who, but according to my aunt, I'm to blame for putting their son's healthcare at risk. WTF? FML
Today, I have in my living room a Rubik’s cube I’ve been trying to solve for over a year. I just got home and it was sat on the floor solved. Apparently my wife gave it to her nephew to play with and he solved it in about four minutes, then got bored. He’s 8 and I’m 33. FML
Today, my second-grade daughter asked her teacher how much money she makes. FML
Today, my dad went to the doctor to find out if he is autistic. When we walked in, the doctor asked why he wasn't testing if he was diabetic, effectively calling my dad fat. My dad was deeply offended, so I gave that jackass doctor an earful. But as it turns out, he was correct. My dad does have diabetes. FML
But moooooooom! I wanted to play Fortnite!
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
