My last brain cell

Today, my sister shot my dog with my airsoft gun. When I told my parents, she put on the fakest sobbing I've ever heard, said she didn't even know how to use a gun, and that she saw me shoot my own dog. They believed her and think I need psychiatric help. FML

Videos

Yappy neighborhood

Live dumping

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 21/3/2015 05:36 - United States - Mendham

35719

2373

Today, was my birthday. I asked for a camera - nothing fancy, just a basic digital camera. My mother bought my brother a fancy digital camera, with all the accessories, for over £200. She then gave me his old, analogue camera, that I can't get film for anymore. He hates taking photos. FML

By unlucky - 19/9/2009 19:05 - United Kingdom

46044

3018

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

By that girl. - 6/6/2012 05:26 - United States

27383

3517

Today, I went out and met somebody. We got talking and we both realized we are each the ideal romantic partner for the other. The only problem is we are both straight men. FML

By confusedmofo - 29/7/2013 06:35 - Indonesia

55655

8110

Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML

By whitechocolate - 20/7/2009 02:05 - United States

54739

2859

Today, I got a call from a job I had applied for. Everything went great until I realized I had applied to the wrong location, across town. I'm so broke, I went to the interview anyway. It will cost me more to pay for the gas to drive there to work, than what I will actually make. FML

By wellfuck - 15/7/2016 23:04 - United States - Clarksville

11942

2208

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

By Stoopid - 7/7/2009 17:25 - United States

27096

244599

Today, I lost my anal virginity because my boyfriend "slipped". FML

By anonymous - 11/6/2010 04:56 - Canada

58909

22833

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 04:13 - United States

46886

8597

Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

By Parental Support - 30/8/2013 04:11 - United States - Ellicott City

43493

2965

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 07:57 - Canada - Vancouver

29419

8056

Today, I had to watch my niece’s puppy. The darn dog kept finding turds in the yard and eating them. One turd had worms in it. FML

By DogStew - 12/9/2019 18:00

Scooby snacks?

1263

223

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

By Arcam89 - 22/2/2016 22:37 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

18497

1338

Today, it's our eighth anniversary. My husband has struggled for a while with erectile dysfunction, and tonight he decided it wasn't worth trying. So now, he's sitting at home, soft, while I'm eating Taco Bell in the car. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 23:01

Between a rock and a soft place

1598

251

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

By A.L.Woody - 11/8/2009 06:42 - United States

9739

112153

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 15:55 - United States - Amsterdam

31887

2473

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 21:54

21769

2333

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

By oh - 23/2/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

24396

2071

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why it would be highly offensive and inappropriate for him to go as Caylee Anthony for Halloween. I think he's still planning on doing it. FML

By Miroslav208 - 20/10/2011 14:32 - United States

27030

4847

Today, the first gift I opened was from my uncle. It was $80 in clothes that I'd bought for myself a week earlier. FML

By Actrent - 25/12/2016 07:00

8116

682

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

By jdsksoapy - 30/3/2009 20:16 - United States

210491

34883

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

By ugh - 12/3/2010 06:05 - United States

33946

3583

Today, I was taking a hike through the Appalachians. I lost my balance in a steep area, and grabbed for a root along the trail above me. It turned to not be a root, but a large, angry snake. FML

By anonymous - 25/6/2016 20:03 - United States - Lowell

13390

926

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

By seepeezy32 - 2/2/2011 02:32

21283

71203

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

By anonymous - 1/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Secret sex

1662

393

Today, as I walked home, I heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender. FML

By Cxisbest - 23/3/2011 21:21 - United States

44874

10613

Today, my boss expects me to conduct a meeting with a client, give him all the info he needs, and manage his campaign. This is because he fired the "expensive" marketing director and wants me, the intern, to continue his work. FML

By givemestrength - 14/8/2014 10:31 - United Kingdom - London

39397

3261

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2009 10:41 - Canada

85734

9527

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

By The Horrible Older Sister - 2/9/2012 10:07 - United States - Phoenix

14290

32531

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

By crushed dreams - 16/6/2011 06:20 - United States

18454

243071

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

By elow72 - 19/2/2016 21:47 - United States - Nashua

18403

5501

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

By redhead - 6/7/2017 22:30 - United States - Lima

Well Played

6294

411

Today, my mom asked me to take a picture of her and a friend before they went out to dinner. I was getting ready to take the picture when I noticed the box showing the most recent picture. It was a nude. Of my mom. FML

By not a photographer - 21/6/2020 08:08

Mom gets some

1490

119

Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

By NotTodaySatan - 7/7/2019 16:00 - United States - Tempe

1847

173

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

By thatsjustlovely - 1/1/2010 08:16 - United States

13560

36815

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

By Tiffosaur - 4/1/2013 06:12 - United States

26804

2615

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

By scarlet5000 - 26/9/2009 06:32 - United States

6202

75293

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML

By valerie - 28/5/2011 01:04 - United States

44808

18690

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

By kylie - 15/11/2010 21:17 - Canada

33361

7176

Today, at my workplace, a TV was installed just above my register at work which plays the same mind-numbingly awful 13 second ad on loop for the duration of our latest sale. The sale lasts for what are going to be three very long weeks. FML

By Kris - 7/8/2011 20:37 - China

29239

2740