My last brain cell

Today, while sitting next to the cute guy in my English class, I had to sneeze. I turned away from him and sneezed into my arm. My long hair got in the way and I accidentally shot a huge snot rocket into my hair. I spent the rest of the class trying to get it out without him noticing. FML

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By klyoung5 - United States

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Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML

By ac13 - United States

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3774

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

By jerdub93 - United States

18070

28266

Today, my doctor told me that I have severely and permanently injured my shoulder. Last week, I attempted to lift more weight than I normally do in an effort to impress my boyfriend. He was not impressed. In fact he said that most kids can lift more than that. FML

By kylie - 2/4/2021 17:01

Unimpressed

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827

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later put on Facebook that, "Today was a great day!" FML

By WTF - United States - Plainfield

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4460

Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Clevedon

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Today, my boyfriend and I are so close that we share everything. This now includes his head lice. Thanks, dude. FML

By Infested Girlfriend - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sharing is caring

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259

Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

By MeowApp - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

By Finding Kemo - United States - Los Angeles

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2141

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

By Anonymous

808

1758

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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2721

Today, I got to experience the unadulterated horror of waking up to a spider crawling across my face. My screaming woke the neighbors. FML

By Shrieking_Shack_Maiden

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233

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

By dammitRandy - United States - Kearny

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1093

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

By wellthen - United States - Clarksville

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963

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

By Anonymous - United States

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46601

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

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3053

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

By ugh - Canada - Lethbridge

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Today, as I was mowing my neighbors lawn, I found the playboy magazine he left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

By - United States

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Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, "I can't, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor's to find out our baby's sex." FML

By littlemissgullible - United States

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7984

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

By madessalarouge - United States

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1301

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

By ughhhh - United States

33304

5743

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I'm laughing at how you think this is a date." FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Misleading

55954

6484

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

By Manstobe92 - United States

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40069

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I loved her. I tried to be cute and romantic and responded with a quote from the Notebook, which I watched with her yesterday. After I said, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," she broke up with me because I was "phony and unoriginal." FML

By thanksnicksparks - United States

30654

10253

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

By :/ - Netherlands - Nijkerk

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Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

By ciotter - United States

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5374

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

By AngelAshley - United Kingdom

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Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

By alpine75 - United States

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Today, while lying in bed, I was so lonely that I put a heavy blanket in front of me so it felt like I was spooning someone. FML

By funy_hunie - United States - Anchorage

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Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

By el_Jeffe_D - United States - Salt Lake City

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2904

Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML

By Fatty - United States

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41460

Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML

By ChangingTheLocks

Call The Police!

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118

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

By Anonymous

What is the real feeling?

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Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

By damn cats

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324

Today, I was on the way to traffic court for a $340 speeding ticket I'd got. My mother called me and I wasn't paying attention which caused me to speed. Right past a cop. When I told the cop where I was going, he started laughing at me. I now have another $300 ticket. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

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52870

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

By 1fungi

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5404

Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I had the most action in months when I woke up to a wet dream. I'm married, I guess that tells you all about my sex life. FML

By inbogota - 6/3/2021 15:30 - Colombia

Inactive

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