Today, I helped a lady carry her grocery bags to her car. She was so grateful that she offered me a tip. I refused, but she insisted. When I finally took it, I looked at the bill to see she'd given me $1. I smiled and said thank you, but she looked at me like I’d just robbed her. FML
Today, I saw a display with a mirror that said, "You are made in God's image!" I'm too short to be able to see myself in said mirror. FML
Today, when I tried to talk about how I feel insecure, my fiancee ranted about how supportive she always is of me. Her idea of supportive is to say, "Oh, you'll be fine! You're amazing!", then get back on her phone or turn up the TV. FML
Today, I found an odd notebook in my wife's desk and opened it. I learned why our sex life has gotten so boring: every time I upset her, she secretly bans something sexual. For instance: "June 16th - dented car - no more lingerie" or "August 9th - forgot wallet on date night - no more rope play." FML
Today, at work, I wondered: What's worse than a psychotic, gaslighting supervisor with his classic "You are worthless!" and "I never said/did that!" and other variations? A combination of said character with an autistic employee who panics at every such situation to the brink of peeing themself. I hate being that employee. FML
Today, my husband convinced me to donate all the sentimental items around our house, like the kids' old toys. Now I feel absolutely gutted, like we gave away tons of our family history, but everyone else is so happy that things are less cluttered, so I just play along. I feel so empty. FML
Today, I woke up, made breakfast for myself, and read all the notifications on my smartphone. The first one was about an accidental death at work, and that all maintenance workers are suspects. I work in maintenance, and it's not my section where the accident happened. RIP. FML
Today, I wore a suit to my first day at a new job to make a good impression. When I arrived, I discovered it was a “casual dress” company where everyone wears hoodies and sneakers. My new nickname? “The Accountant.” I don’t even work in finance. FML
Today, I got a call from a telemarketer who asked, "Is this the crazy cat lady?" I only own one cat, but apparently, that’s all it takes to earn a reputation. FML
Today, my parents canceled our trip to Greece because my siblings were being brats. When I tried to point out that I wasn't doing anything, they just shrugged and said, "Sorry honey." FML
Today, I got a great job offer but things are constantly changing at my current position due to COVID. So I was honest and told them I wanted to see what my employer could offer. They took back their offer and gave it to someone else. FML
Today, and since Valentine's Day when we got married at the courthouse, which was supposed to be a secret but my husband and I ended up on the news, we've been getting several calls from family. FML
Today, I was having a conversation with a friend at the park when my dog ran up to me with something in his mouth. I thought it was a stick. I bent down to take it, only to realize it was a dead squirrel. My dog just stared at me, tongue lolling, like, “It’s a stick, throw it.” FML
Today, my husband asked me to wax his ass crack for him. It might have been funny or maybe even a kinky experience a few years ago, but now I had to navigate the wax around his haemorrhoid, which did start bleeding. I don’t get why he even wanted a smooth crack at our age. FML
Today, my brother let his kids watch anime without even looking at what they chose. He assumed it was OK because it’s just foreign cartoons. He is now blaming me for his kids' trauma, because I wasn’t there to warn him that "The Promised Neverland" isn’t just a Peter Pan rip off. IF YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW. FML
Today, I accidentally used wood stain instead of hairspray. Surprisingly, it doesn't come out that easily. FML
Today, I dreamt about a girl I sort of knew. In the dream she confessed her feelings for me, and it was the first time anyone had ever confessed that sort of thing to me. When I woke up, I found myself falling for her. The experience reminded me of my romantic loneliness. FML
Today, my boyfriend "proposed" to me. When we first started dating, he told me that he hated the concept of marriage and absolutely never wanted to go through with it. So I laughed and turned him down, obviously thinking it was just a joke. He was serious. FML
Today, after years of no sex, a friend of mine told me she would like some benefits. I got too excited and came before even putting it in. FML
Today, my wife found out about all the crazy stuff my ex and I used to do in my car, which I still drive. Serves me right for encouraging them to be friends. I hope she doesn’t find out about what went down on our ottoman, I can’t afford a new one. FML
Today, my dad thought it would be funny to make me hold an unlit cigarette before FaceTiming my mom so he could prank her by saying, "He's got a new habit." My mom did not find it funny, especially when I mentioned to her that I did not willingly participate. Now I'm stuck in this car, listening to them argue. FML
Today, I accidentally joined my Zoom class meeting with my cam girl account. The whole class now knows what my breasts look like, and know that my nickname is “CumKitten.” FML
Today, my boss asked that I add the work of our third coworker's position to my shift because he's never finished his duties. She gave us a 50 cent raise to "babysit" a 60-ish year-old man. I responded to respectfully fire him or pay me 20/hr. His last day is Friday and he doesn't even know yet. FML
Today, I found out that the word "segue" is pronounced like the "Segway" brand. Unfortunately, I found this out as I was giving a speech, which someone interrupted to correct me. I'm a 41 year-old salesman. FML
Today, I called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. My mom and I proceeded to sing "Happy Birthday" to her. The first words that came out of her mouth were, "You guys are terrible singers." You're welcome, I guess. FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend I was taking my kids to my mother's until he has decided if he wants to carry on being a boyfriend and stepfather. While we were gone, he apparently realised how good his life could be without us, and dumped me. I fucked up. FML
Today, I went to Home Depot with my boyfriend. There were a large number of men at the front of the store speaking Spanish. As we left, he ran back inside shouting, "LA MIGRA! LA MIGRA ESTA AQUI!" They screamed and ran in panic. I am dating a racist scumbag who thinks terrorizing minorities is funny. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I order meat well done. He's the third guy to do this. Just the thought of eating undercooked meat makes me gag. FML
Today, my husband told our daughter to eat with her fork, not her hands. She said that in Africa, people eat with their hands. He said, "Yeah, and they cut up little girls' vaginas with a razor blade there too." Now she's traumatized. FML
IT NEVER ENDS
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