Debt Wish

Today, my boyfriend's mother screamed at me for half an hour, calling me a slut because she found a black lacy thong in my boyfriend's bed. I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't mine. FML

Out of it

TMI

Great guy

By slut - 2/7/2010 01:07 - United States

66402

8588

Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML

By adamclmns - 16/7/2011 22:52 - United States

32109

15174

Today, I went to a party where I met an amazing guy. After having great conversation all night and what I thought was a serious connection, I leaned in to kiss him. He screamed, forcefully pushed my face away with his hand, and said he was gay. FML

By milkybear - 15/6/2010 07:11 - United States

44745

15827

Today, despite the fact they know I'm commuting hundreds of kilometres, I was requested to come to work at the earliest possible hour, every day. I'll be waking up at half past 3 a.m. and admire sunrises on my way. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 16:00

Early bird special

1490

196

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

By mrb72 - 3/2/2009 10:48 - United States

27453

19111

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

By hating my life - 26/11/2015 07:57 - United States

21633

7385

Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

By fml - 20/5/2010 21:32 - Canada

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7581

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

By bluebelle - 19/10/2015 11:10 - Australia

29808

2781

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

By Ann - 18/3/2013 14:36 - United States

Works out well

51335

9188

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

By jessiluvxx - 25/9/2016 21:08 - United States - Kearny

13088

683

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2015 18:43 - United States - Minneapolis

30528

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Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

By Username - 1/5/2011 08:20 - United States

17416

46088

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

By edavis1993 - 6/10/2015 15:29 - United States - Milford

25834

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Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

By anxiety - 16/11/2011 05:11 - United States

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10225

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

By suuuuuupucci - 25/12/2009 06:25 - United States

28558

3413

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 02:00

What was the point?

2692

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 02:01

1478

148

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

By Sewert_5 - 10/11/2015 16:16

22874

4010

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML

By Rob - 16/10/2009 01:59 - France

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3544

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

By anon - 28/12/2019 05:00 - United States - La Puente

Awkward conversation

2380

335

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

By Coldandshoeless - 8/1/2013 10:40 - United States - Hackettstown

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Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

By bumpyroad - 17/4/2011 14:29 - Australia

55303

7611

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 12:00

2312

151

Today, I was walking back to my dorm with my boyfriend. He was being really sweet as he held my hand. We were about to kiss goodnight and as he pushed some hair out of my face he said, "Can we hurry it up? I'm about to rip one." FML

By grossedout - 1/11/2014 00:39

32945

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Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

17054

80177

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2014 19:23 - Canada - Sudbury

46955

4081

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 03:21 - United States

26402

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Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

By kay51 - 24/11/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

8739

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Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

By thunderthighs644 - 23/11/2011 03:21

33241

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Today, I went into my former workplace. While there, an ex-coworker told me that after I quit, they split my position into two separate jobs. When I worked there, my boss had told me to suck it up whenever I said there was too much work for just one person. FML

By Anonymous - 14/7/2014 23:52 - United States - Tacoma

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Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

By surfernerd6987 - 11/6/2009 05:21 - United States

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Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

By MooCow - 13/7/2011 03:13 - United States

25489

15680

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

By Anonymous - 13/10/2015 07:35 - United States - Davis

34679

6105

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

By notmycircus - 2/12/2014 05:30 - United States - Cincinnati

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Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

By starstruck - 20/11/2009 09:36 - France

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Today, I walked downstairs, made a bowl of hot cereal, and held a full conversation with my brother's girlfriend, before I finally put two and two together and realized I hadn't put any pants on. FML

By mongoosemike - 7/6/2011 05:55

13790

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Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

By omgwtf - 1/6/2019 04:00

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514

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 04:25 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

27053

3796

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

By evilwater - 15/7/2011 17:21 - United States

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Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked if I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML

By hobbit - 22/5/2013 17:40 - United States - Winthrop

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