Debt Wish

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

Call CPS!

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Does it taste good?

By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - 20/12/2011 11:49 - Mauritius

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Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2011 20:03 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend asked me why I have "crotch acne". When I attempted to explain that I have razor bumps from shaving, he got mad and said I was lying and insecure about my obvious facial and bodily acne problem. FML

By RazorBumps - 16/12/2009 05:15 - United States

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Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing off a hot air balloon. FML

By pist off - 5/3/2018 19:00

Classy.

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Today, my boyfriend told me I can stop using makeup, because it's "not working." FML

By Ugly - 20/8/2019 04:00 - Australia

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Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 00:10 - United States

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Today, I was in class rubbing my hands together. The lecturer thought that because my hands were up, I had a question. I replied with, "Oh, no I was just playing with myself." Just as it left my mouth, I realised what I was saying. FML

By Just Awkward - 21/4/2017 02:00

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Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 11:26 - Australia

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Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

By Bee - 8/6/2011 00:13 - Canada

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Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

By samabomination - 2/6/2013 08:29 - United States - Monroeville

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Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

By Gemini gang - 27/7/2019 04:04

1969

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

By What? - 22/1/2013 19:00 - Australia

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Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

By momoffour - 5/12/2010 09:30 - United States

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Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

By rubgy_lover - 27/6/2013 15:02 - Canada - Surrey

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Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

By BrokenHearted - 4/7/2009 21:11 - United States

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Today, I'm in Mexico and am supposed to be skydiving for my Christmas gift. Instead, I'm coming out of the hospital with x-rays, an ankle splint, and a $800 bill because I fell on the bottom step of a flight of stairs. FML

By Wally - 4/1/2010 17:52 - Mexico

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Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 20:27 - United States

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Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

By mog - 7/11/2019 08:00 - United States

Office embarrassment

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Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

By johnnycomehelpme - 14/11/2014 00:59 - United States - Skokie

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Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML

By haunted - 23/10/2015 20:41 - United States - Gainesville

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Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2014 01:40 - Canada

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Today, walking by myself, I was caught up in a group of people that got arrested, and we all got fined for creating a public disturbance. When I explained I wasn't with them, the group backed me up. The police thought I was the ringleader, and now I have to go to court. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 01:14 - Netherlands

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Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML

By fml - 7/3/2010 15:46 - United States

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Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

By fuckingbeliebers - 4/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Gorham

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Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

By too good - 24/10/2014 10:54 - United Kingdom - Dartford

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Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 19:42 - United States

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Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:09 - United States

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Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2011 05:50 - United States

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Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

By coolchicka05 - 6/10/2009 08:28 - United States

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Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 21:41 - United States

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Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

By Holy Testacles - 17/10/2012 04:45 - United States

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Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

By poorgirl - 23/9/2009 21:38 - United States

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Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

By hater - 16/3/2010 10:55

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Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

By Username - 14/3/2011 06:53

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Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

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Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

By fail - 18/8/2013 04:41 - United States

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Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

By Anonymous - 31/3/2015 03:52 - Netherlands - Utrecht

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Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

By THATguy - 21/9/2009 04:12 - United States

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Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

By Anonymous - 31/5/2010 12:14 - Australia

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Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

By birdmagnet - 25/4/2009 19:12 - United States

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