The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML

Grudge

Today, my grandmother informed me that I was rude to her at my wedding two months ago, all because she couldn’t sit at the bridal table, even though she "paid for the wedding." FML

Bad timing

Today, I was home alone, wearing my comfiest pajamas and watching Netflix, when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find my parents standing there. They had just driven four hours to surprise me. My hair was a mess, my face was bare, and I looked like a living disaster. "We just wanted to see how you’re doing!" they said. FML

Is this what the kids are doing these days?

Today, my 12 year-old son’s idea of a “Diddy Party” was him and his friends getting a bunch of baby oil, spilling it on the floor while they rolled on the floor shirtless like a bunch of oiled penguins. FML

In this economy?

Today, the good news is that my girlfriend is pregnant. The bad news is that twins run in her family. Worse, so do triplets, and I just recently lost my job. FML

Mind your own business

Today, while I was driving, a pedestrian gesticulated wildly at me for being on my phone. I was just tucking my hair behind my ear. FML

The great escape

Today, I had to pretend my phone was broken because my mom kept calling to ask if she could join my friends and me for karaoke night. FML

Surf's up

Today, I finally get to go surfing! On my way out, I got a splinter that’s still way too deep to remove, causing me to cancel the surf day and now it really hurts to walk. FML

This needs an explanation

Today, I sent an email to several coworkers about an "incident" I had just created, asking them to look into it. It wasn't until one of them responded that I discovered that instead of "incident" I had typed "incest." I wish I could say this was a typo or autocorrect, but it was more a Freudian slip. FML

Archivist

Today, my dad threatened to kick me out and cut me off if I didn't apologize to his girlfriend, whom I don't get along with. She found the heavily used textbook I bought from a second hand bookstore, which is full of funny doodles and tons of harsh hate messages to a certain "Susan", which coincidentally is her name. FML

Fighting talk

Today, I went out with my girlfriend to a restaurant. After parking up next to a badly parked Audi, I commented, “Typical shit parking by an Audi driver.” Unbeknownst to me, the owner was walking to his car at the exact same moment. FML

Here we go again

Today, I discovered that my direct work number is Googleable to the public. This was brought to my attention when my extremely toxic ex called me wanting to rekindle our dead relationship. I just have to ignore the ankle monitor, continued addiction issues, and police charges. FML

Great party

Today, I attended a party, thinking it was hosted by my friend. I showed up, mingled, had some drinks, and even played a couple of games. After about an hour, my friend called me and asked where I was. I'd crashed the wrong party. Everyone there was nice about it, but now I can never show my face there again. FML

Covid 24

Today, I am passing New Year's Eve alone with my cat because everybody around me decided to celebrate in close committee, had a family emergency, or caught the C plague. FML

Cruel kids

Today, my 7-year-old daughter squeezed her hamster's balls. She squeezed so hard that they literally popped out. She said that her older sister (who is 14-years-old) convinced her to do it. Both girls are grounded and have their cell phones and TV taken away. FML

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

Good fences make good neighbors?

Today, my neighbour replaced his chain link fence with a nice wood fence. It’s exactly on the property line and it's his fence, not mine, but the property line is only two feet away from my kitchen window, which is now in complete darkness, no light at all, so I need lights on even during the day FML

Happy birthday

Today, it's my birthday. My birthday present was a pelvic exam, and not even the good kind of pelvic exam. Woo hoo! FML

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

Old boy

Today, I visited my girlfriend’s family in Louisiana and her grandmother told her Pawpaw was still alive. Was it a neighbor or relative. Nope, a 60 year-old 12-foot alligator in the river behind their house. He actually came like a dog when she whistled. Scared the shit out of me. FML

Sticky situation

Today, my boss keeps pointing out similarities between his wife and me. I genuinely dislike her, and have feelings for him. FML

You've been Boeberted

Today, I had to retrieve my son from the police station because him and his girlfriend decided a blowjob in the back row of the cinema was a good idea when they have night vision cameras in there and security guards and a very high definition picture printer for evidence. FML

Bonus

Today, I got an email statement from my job's HR. Long story short, they are cancelling all pending referral bonuses as they are "too costly" and they determined that my "salary is more than enough." I can still refer more people, though. FML

All alone

Today, I have no friends because I have severe anxiety and severe social anxiety. I thought I had family but as it turns out, my family is trying to get rid of me by sending me away. FML

That thing you do

Today, after sex, my wife of three months said, "You know, sex isn't as good now that we're married… Maybe we should take a break." I said we should spice things up. She said, firmly, "No, let's stop" and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. FML

Flu season

Today, without any warning, I projectile vomited all over my laptop. I think I broke my computer. FML

Shock and awe

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, hanging out with him and his mom. I had to do a number two. A while later, we hear his mom in the washroom. She had turned on the bathtub and was flushing the toilet. A lot. Later on, my boyfriend leaves the room and she says, “Did you make that mess in the toilet?” FML

Clipper time

Today, I once again woke up to find a huge gash on the back of my foot with blood pouring out. Turns out, I scratched it with my other toenail in my sleep. This is the ninth time this has happened. FML

I'm never going to live this down

Today, there's no door between the bathroom and bedroom. So far we've managed all number 2 s(h)ituations without trouble, but I'm on my period, which comes with period poops. He usually sleeps like the dead. I was mid-evacuation of a multi-missile launch when he sat up, wide awake, eye contact, grin on his face. "Hah! I KNEW YOU'D BE THE FIRST!" FML