By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 04:01 - United States - San Francisco

That shirt is FIRE!

Today, my shirt caught on fire when I was burning paper for my ancestors at the cemetery. FML

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Proactive

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Weird kid

By cherokeems - 20/10/2015 18:28 - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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By fallingforfakenamesandmindgames - 27/7/2017 13:00

A dealer of both drugs and hugs

Today, I found out that the reason why the guy I took home from the bar seemed to understand everything about me instantly was because he was my ex's secret drug dealer. FML

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By need_cash_now - 28/4/2013 04:29 - United States

Today, six weeks before my wedding, my mother decided to claim that she never agreed on paying for it and that she doesn't think she will. Now I have six weeks to scavenge enough cash for the wedding she planned in the first place. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - 26/9/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By cheesy grin - 11/6/2018 19:00

Today, my front tooth randomly fell out in the middle of class. I brush regularly and visit the dentist, the tooth was perfectly healthy looking, and it didn’t hurt beforehand or bleed. It literally just fell out for no reason. Now I have a gap grin and I don’t know why. FML

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By HeIsKindaRightTho - 16/9/2014 04:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

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By AllieOops - 17/8/2011 09:14 - United States

Today, my roommate told me that unscented deodorant prevents ingrown hairs on the bikini line. She shared this beauty tip with me when I caught her using my Lady Speed Stick on her snatch. FML

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By InvAzn - 14/12/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate with each other, starting with some foreplay. Before he fingered me, he put on a blue surgical glove, claiming that "down there is dirty and smelly" and he didn't want it on his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

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By rangerluke - 25/2/2016 15:52 - United States

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

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By drooler - 6/8/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my new boyfriend. I got tired so I thought it would be cute to fall asleep on him. He woke me up and said "You got me wet" Thinking it was a joke, I said smoothly, "That's what she said" He replied "No really." I looked down, I'd drooled all over his shirt. FML

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By creeper - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy I like. He's very private and hides all his photos and wall posts on Facebook. Or so I thought, turns out he has me on a restricted friends list, titled "Creepers." FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - 10/5/2016 02:27 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2010 21:00 - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

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By pianonerd - 15/9/2009 06:16 - Canada

Today, my piano teacher told me that she "forgot" to inform me that she volunteered me to play a 5 page song in a recital in front of 300 people that's happening next week. FML

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By Noname - 21/2/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML

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By Broken Leg, Broken Job - 10/5/2018 01:30

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

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By Noname - 29/1/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

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By TakenAdvantageOf - 15/9/2017 04:30

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

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By sad_panda - 26/6/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we could test me for OCD, since so many people have suggested to me that I might have it. She smiles at me and says, "No, honey, you're just really really weird." FML

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By Lola987 - 18/3/2019 00:00

Today, on my birthday, I tried to be a good girlfriend by making sure my boyfriend of 3 years alarms were set for work on his phone. Noticed he’s back to talking to his ex as the messenger bubble had her face in it.. He was asking for boob pictures...FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2012 23:16 - United Kingdom - Bridgwater

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

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By obeezy - 30/4/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me tampon girl. FML

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By xXxJoe16xXx - 1/12/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2011 17:41 - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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By thissucks - 20/6/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months found out she was 4 months pregnant with her ex's baby. She told me I could leave her and she wouldn't blame me, but I decided to stay with her. She told me she loved me and then dumped me because she needed to be with her baby's daddy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 09:59 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to go separate ways. Before I could say anything, he proposed. FML

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By coolchicka05 - 6/10/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

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By anonymous - 8/10/2011 15:36 - Sri Lanka

Today, I decided to make home made french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

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19546

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By str3tch - 3/4/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

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By mississippi123 - 6/8/2012 05:41 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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By Sick - 2/5/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML

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By goodsister - 14/10/2009 08:09 - Canada

Today, I was yelled at and humiliated by my otherwise awesome brother-in-law for my supposed lack of effort in the planning of a baby shower for my very pregnant sister. The kicker? Her huge, break-my-bank semi-surprise baby shower has been in the works for a month and is happening this weekend. FML

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By Helpful Smile - 20/5/2014 23:50 - United States - Davenport

Today, after my bosses excitedly told me I'm getting promoted to customer service at our grocery store, a customer called me an idiot in the parking lot for accidentally backing into the shopping cart she left in my blind spot. And so it begins. FML

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By pat - 9/3/2010 19:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML

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33731

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 20:45 - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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By solomantis - 30/7/2009 05:46 - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

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By hello to you too - 30/8/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7840013 - Friday 6 September 2019 7:11

You’re too sexy for your shirt
Too sexy for your shirt
So sexy it hurts.

I don’t know why that song is stuck in my head.

By blahblabbity | 19

#7840084 - Friday 6 September 2019 11:20

they’re asking you to join them

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7840013 - Friday 6 September 2019 7:11

You’re too sexy for your shirt
Too sexy for your shirt
So sexy it hurts.

I don’t know why that song is stuck in my head.

By bubbat101 | 36

#7840019 - Friday 6 September 2019 7:38

Did you dishonor your ancestors? Did Mushu come out and dishonor your cow?

By Jerome Chan | 3

#7840077 - Friday 6 September 2019 10:58

Obviously your ancestors want your shirt!

By blahblabbity | 19

#7840084 - Friday 6 September 2019 11:20

they’re asking you to join them

By Trinity Fenwick | 7

#7840291 - Saturday 7 September 2019 5:51

guess your ancestors wanted you to join them. lol