Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This... - FML

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

By FML team - 21/8/2010 16:38

FML would never cheat on you

Good morning cheaters! How’s your extracurricular relationship? Did you remember to erase all the texts and emails he or she sent you...

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By jadakorn / Saturday 11 July 2009 13:48 / United States

Incognito browsing

Doomed

Gas giant

By Ages ago - 8/5/2019 10:00 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, two guys robbed me. As I wrestled them on the ground, my best friend just stood next to all this, telling me to give them the money already, or we'd be late for school. FML

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By joey - 9/3/2020 05:00

Zapped

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By mustachio101 - 17/7/2012 23:30 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

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By ididntdoanythingaight - 2/8/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2014 20:06 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

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By Nicholasand - 23/11/2009 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

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By no one - 21/5/2011 09:07 - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By WPA2 OR DEATH - 7/12/2012 21:49 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my dad got a warning from our ISP for going well over their fair usage limit. I barely use our wifi, and I keep telling him he should password-protect our router to stop people leeching our Internet. He's blaming me anyway, and says I'm grounded until January. FML

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By Tori - 16/2/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

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By nrelavender - 26/5/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

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By Indianagirl94 - 29/10/2012 22:22 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my husband attempting to breastfeed off my lactating nipples. FML

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By tirf - 9/2/2015 22:58

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

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By ChePow - 20/8/2011 18:26 - Canada

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

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By elmangy - 11/8/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, I went ice skating for my friend's birthday. We had to vacate the skating rink so that they could smooth out the rink for the next session. I don't know how to skate and my friends left me. Not only was I the last one out of the rink, but I had to crawl my way out with everyone laughing. FML

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By oops - 18/5/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

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By whatsmccraken - 10/9/2009 12:37 - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - 6/7/2014 20:27 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 15:23 - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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By gringa_Peru - 18/4/2009 01:19 - Peru

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

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By furious parent - 3/7/2019 18:00

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

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By Marcus Whitfield - 14/3/2020 15:00

Bear of a man

Today, I came to the unsettling realisation that the 2XL jacket that was originally 3 sizes too big for me is now a perfect fit. FML

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By Baskets-Tailleur - 7/7/2014 06:58 - France

Today, as I was putting on sports shoes to get to a job interview in a hurry, a man ran past me and grabbed my formal shoes while shouting, "Ninja!" Try explaining to the guy at the interview why I was wearing sneakers with a skirt suit. FML

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By honey soy - 29/1/2012 06:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 23:44 - United States - Boston

Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML

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By Bethany - 20/1/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

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By Need To Bathe In Deodorant - 17/7/2016 19:23 - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2019 20:48

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 14:24 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

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By Name - 11/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was playing tennis with my friend. He hit a ball up high, and I slammed it down, thinking there was no way he would get it. Feeling pretty good about it, I turned around to celebrate. As I turned around, I got smacked in my face. He got it. FML

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By clairebear104 - 19/9/2014 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

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By kill me - 30/9/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 02:03

Jaws 2: A Pig in the City

Today, after a childhood of battling bad teeth and cavities, I'm an overzealous brusher. I found out that I have cavities in all quadrants of my mouth from over-brushing, which will need multiple appointments to fill. FML

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By TiredStudent - 12/6/2020 23:07 - Australia

Bottle bank

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

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By heartbroken - 22/1/2010 01:18 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

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By gottaflossmoreoften - 13/4/2015 15:40 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

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By _akwardsituation - 1/1/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

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By little_star78 - 13/11/2013 11:08 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

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By ineedbetterfriends - 15/6/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

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Top comments

By iFRUiTTART | 0

#387850 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:08

Use your bed as a trampoline , bounce out the window , and get your phone back . Your must have a pretty high/bouncy bed & a low/close window , sounds very unrealistic unless you whip your phone down .

By scorpiogirl666 | 0

#387859 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:11

Well, you know what they say. If you love something, let it go...

COMMENTS

By klutzy_drummer | 0

#387810 - Saturday 11 July 2009 19:59

Haha, you got owned

Reply

MadaFaka_fml | 0

#389873 - Sunday 12 July 2009 12:41

wow dude u cracked me up.... lol FAIL..
YDI

Reply

DrEmR23 | 0

#391745 - Monday 13 July 2009 5:16

alright im sure everyone is going to call me retarded...but what does YDI mean?

Reply

blinkingstarlet | 15

#392132 - Monday 13 July 2009 10:09

YDI means you deserved it and FYL means f*ck your life.

Reply

spinarium | 2

#1303616 - Thursday 26 August 2010 16:30

nah, at least you asked

Reply

nickiforever21 | 0

#1751529 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:21

It means You Deserve It

Reply

Albsj11 | 0

#1766861 - Monday 29 November 2010 8:05

no way, i thought it meant you dumb idiot... wow talk about a fail -_-

By Misho554 | 3

#387815 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:00

FAIL!!!!

Reply

fmlbaby_fml | 0

#391825 - Monday 13 July 2009 6:03

Epic fail

Reply

daniella4680 | 0

#1507288 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 15:55

super epic fail

By redxapplexoxo | 0

#387817 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:00

Damn that sucks ass.

By ElectroBunneh | 0

#387823 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:01

Dude. How close is your window?

Reply

Tuckerr | 0

#389146 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:08

better question, how tall is your bed, and why don't you have a screen?

By iFRUiTTART | 0

#387850 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:08

Use your bed as a trampoline , bounce out the window , and get your phone back . Your must have a pretty high/bouncy bed & a low/close window , sounds very unrealistic unless you whip your phone down .

Reply

theoceanscool | 0

#387886 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:17

lmao

Reply

Mutanttoothbrush | 6

#7493348 - Sunday 16 July 2017 1:13

I have a window right next to my bed, that is completely level with the bed, it doesnt have to be that bouncy.

By passwordis_fml | 2

#387851 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:08

you got home and your window was already open?

Reply

NapalmFrog | 0

#387942 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:33

In my case, I'm a few floors up in an apartment, and ALWAYS leave my windows wide open, with the exception of bad weather of course. Just not open as much in the winter. ;)

Reply

fmlbaby_fml | 0

#391830 - Monday 13 July 2009 6:04

Uh, yeah but what about screens? Don't you have those? Problem solved.

By Richboy6579 | 0

#387855 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:09

hahahaahhaha that is really funny not gonna lie

By scorpiogirl666 | 0

#387859 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:11

Well, you know what they say. If you love something, let it go...

Reply

humorizer | 14

#387996 - Saturday 11 July 2009 21:13

This is a pretty good reply.

Reply

mylifeaway | 9

#6534466 - Thursday 11 February 2016 16:36

If it comes back to you, you own it. And if it doesn't come back, you don't own it.

Reply

The_ghetto_mango | 25

#6560636 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 18:19

I believe the saying is "if you love something let it go, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". Obviously not the case for OP.

By rubikscube_fml | 0

#387864 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:11

I can't imagine explaining that to someone XD.

By theoceanscool | 0

#387869 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:12

Lmao, this one made me laugh.