Miscellaneous: Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This... - FML

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

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By jadakorn / Saturday 11 July 2009 13:48 / United States

Walk on the wild side

Nostalgia goggles

Fashion Police

By Anonymous - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

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By workerbee

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

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By Jeepers - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

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By Anonymous - Mayotte - Mamoudzou

Today, I found a roach in my takeaway. I found it after I felt something hard in my mouth and spat pieces of it back out onto my plate. FML

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By izoliv - France

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

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By DeeGirlMon - Canada - Calgary

Misconstrued

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

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By downlowtooslow - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

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By Nancy

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

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By sexyyy - Belgium

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I told them it was up to them. So my mother suggested that she'll get me electrolysis so I wouldn't have to worry about my mustache in college. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 17:01

Must be one hell of a novel

Today, after 3 years of writing a murder mystery novel that I was really proud of, my dad stole my notebook. He mistook it as my diary and turned it in to the police and apparently I can't have it back because it may be used as evidence. Some of the stories were inspired by real events. FML

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By Username

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

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By taz

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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By stillembarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By areyouserial - United States

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

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By sadgirl - United States - Conway

Today, my grandpa pointed me out to one of his friends, saying, "Yeah, she's the ugly one." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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By shizzy09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

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By benander - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

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By Lost... - United States

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after taking my clothes out of the washer, I noticed at the very bottom of the washer my boyfriend's USB stick I found a couple of days ago. The USB stick contains his English essay, and his novel he has been working on for almost six months. FML

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By SomeExplainingToDo

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

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By Ihaveaheadache - United States

Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

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By link - United States - Edmond

Today, I got my final exam back. I got a 50/100. I didn't know it had a back side. FML

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By RoxMySox - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I went to see my guidance counselor. I was supposed to hear from my college about a scholarship by October 3rd. I was worried since it was already the 2nd so I went to talk to her. She never turned in my nomination. Goodbye $80,000 scholarship. FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By darlingditz - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

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By carless - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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By tallguy - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2020 23:00

Forever alone, episode 7864

Today, I lied at a store when the checkout person told me the cologne I was buying was for men. I told him it was for my boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I just wanted it to smell like one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

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By charliebravo77 - United States

Slippery

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss's car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

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By Olz

Today, I received my 12-month diet plan from an online coach. It said, “Eat less calories lol.” I just lost £175. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, after months of planning, I finally got my first tattoo: my cat's paw print. I love it so I showed my friends pictures. One said it looks like poop and the other said it looks like I have a disease. FML

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By hc11bmd - United States - Bethel

Today, I asked a coworker what she'd bought her dad for father's day. She said that she got him some flowers, and I laughed because I thought it was a rather feminine gift for a man. I later found out that the flowers were for his grave. FML

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Top comments

By iFRUiTTART | 0

#387850 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:08

Use your bed as a trampoline , bounce out the window , and get your phone back . Your must have a pretty high/bouncy bed & a low/close window , sounds very unrealistic unless you whip your phone down .

By scorpiogirl666 | 0

#387859 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:11

Well, you know what they say. If you love something, let it go...

COMMENTS

By klutzy_drummer | 0

#387810 - Saturday 11 July 2009 19:59

Haha, you got owned

Reply

MadaFaka_fml | 0

#389873 - Sunday 12 July 2009 12:41

wow dude u cracked me up.... lol FAIL..
YDI

Reply

DrEmR23 | 0

#391745 - Monday 13 July 2009 5:16

alright im sure everyone is going to call me retarded...but what does YDI mean?

Reply

blinkingstarlet | 15

#392132 - Monday 13 July 2009 10:09

YDI means you deserved it and FYL means f*ck your life.

Reply

spinarium | 2

#1303616 - Thursday 26 August 2010 16:30

nah, at least you asked

Reply

nickiforever21 | 0

#1751529 - Thursday 25 November 2010 22:21

It means You Deserve It

Reply

Albsj11 | 0

#1766861 - Monday 29 November 2010 8:05

no way, i thought it meant you dumb idiot... wow talk about a fail -_-

By Misho554 | 3

#387815 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:00

FAIL!!!!

Reply

fmlbaby_fml | 0

#391825 - Monday 13 July 2009 6:03

Epic fail

Reply

daniella4680 | 0

#1507288 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 15:55

super epic fail

By redxapplexoxo | 0

#387817 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:00

Damn that sucks ass.

By ElectroBunneh | 0

#387823 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:01

Dude. How close is your window?

Reply

Tuckerr | 0

#389146 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:08

better question, how tall is your bed, and why don't you have a screen?

By iFRUiTTART | 0

#387850 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:08

Use your bed as a trampoline , bounce out the window , and get your phone back . Your must have a pretty high/bouncy bed & a low/close window , sounds very unrealistic unless you whip your phone down .

Reply

theoceanscool | 0

#387886 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:17

lmao

Reply

Mutanttoothbrush | 6

#7493348 - Sunday 16 July 2017 1:13

I have a window right next to my bed, that is completely level with the bed, it doesnt have to be that bouncy.

By passwordis_fml | 2

#387851 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:08

you got home and your window was already open?

Reply

NapalmFrog | 0

#387942 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:33

In my case, I'm a few floors up in an apartment, and ALWAYS leave my windows wide open, with the exception of bad weather of course. Just not open as much in the winter. ;)

Reply

fmlbaby_fml | 0

#391830 - Monday 13 July 2009 6:04

Uh, yeah but what about screens? Don't you have those? Problem solved.

By Richboy6579 | 0

#387855 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:09

hahahaahhaha that is really funny not gonna lie

By scorpiogirl666 | 0

#387859 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:11

Well, you know what they say. If you love something, let it go...

Reply

humorizer | 14

#387996 - Saturday 11 July 2009 21:13

This is a pretty good reply.

Reply

mylifeaway | 9

#6534466 - Thursday 11 February 2016 16:36

If it comes back to you, you own it. And if it doesn't come back, you don't own it.

Reply

The_ghetto_mango | 25

#6560636 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 18:19

I believe the saying is "if you love something let it go, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". Obviously not the case for OP.

By rubikscube_fml | 0

#387864 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:11

I can't imagine explaining that to someone XD.

By theoceanscool | 0

#387869 - Saturday 11 July 2009 20:12

Lmao, this one made me laugh.