Today, at a customer's house, I was asked to carry her delivery of six pieces of heavy furniture up to her office. Normally, not a problem, but this insane woman had Witches' Stairs (Google them), which were was an accident begging to happen. She told my boss I was unhelpful, uncooperative, and rude. FML
Today, my partner said I was ''foreign'' to him, like ''I didn't know him at all'' when I failed to correctly pick up on a highly specific thought he had about me, via text message. Sorry for not being psychic, babe? FML
Today, I went out to where I'd parked my bike only to find that someone had stolen my bike seat. Not the bike, just the seat. I had to ride my bike two miles home in the rain like I was climbing a hill in the Tour de France, while other cyclists moved out of my way in confusion, all while trying to avoid me. FML
Today, I asked my wife why she’s been in such a sour mood lately. She released a barrage of complaints, but the biggest one being that she’s bored. In fact, she described me and our kids as the most excruciatingly boring people she’s ever met, all because we’re introverts. FML
Today, our cat is in heat. Her male counterpart is sitting outside my bedroom door, serenading her loudly, and has sprayed his piss all over the house, making sure she cannot escape him broadcasting his availability. FML
Today, I'm in hospital after a bad accident. An old friend of mine came to my ward, looked around, and asked if I needed any help. I asked him to stay and talk a bit, because we haven't seen each other since his wedding. He said, "Nah bro, I gotta go, or my wife will kill me. We're planning a sex night, by the way", and left. FML
Today, my husband and I were are fighting for custody of MY two dogs. Then I found out in court that a year into our marriage, he ran one of them over with his car and then had to get a new matching one, and didn’t tell me. He said, “I paid for it so I should keep it.” FML
Today, my boss tried to knock down a tower of empty boxes next to me while yelling, "Beat it, nerd!" A box hit my face and knocked my glasses off. I got bullied by my boss. FML
Today, while my eyes are closed in the shower, I asked my son to hand me the shampoo. He gave me his mother’s hair removal cream. FML
The end of summer vacation means no more 4am bedtime!
Today, I parked at the airport and rushed inside. TSA pulled me into a back room for screening, including a rectal exam, then let me go, but I missed my flight. Back at my car, there was a note on the windshield: “I know what you did, John. Lock your doors next time.” (My name isn't John) and I found a pile of shit on my seat. FML
Today, as I recently starting having a huge crush on this one guy, my friend told me she told him about the crush, and that he reacted positively. I made a move, only to find out he has a partner. I've tried distancing myself to get over him but he befriended all my friends and is now in our group chat, and the crush has only intensified. FML
Today, my senile grandad saw me and thought I was cutting class, so he pulled his belt off and came after me. While I was trying to get away, his pants fell off and he tripped over them. I'm now getting the blame for "making him have a fall". FML
Today, I think I found the person I feel is my soulmate while I was in Montana this past weekend. My friend’s wife’s best friend. She was perfect, same sense of humor, same sarcasm, good morals, and absolutely gorgeous. I was struck. And then I received a text message from my wife. FML
Today, I was talking with a friend and casually mentioned how close I live to a train station. She said that since we’re both about a day away from NYC, we should meet up there and have a girls trip. I thought it was an awesome idea. When I mentioned it to my fiancé, he freaked about money. The date isn’t even set yet. FML
Today, working as a massage therapist at a spa, I had a male client proposition me for “special services.” I declined and ended the session. He got angry and told the front desk that I offered him favors. Now I’m suspended while management investigates, when really it’s just his word against mine. FML
Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML
Today, after two years of chronic usage, I’m 26 days sober off weed. About 2 months off nicotine. One year off psychedelics. But I’m more bored, lonely, sad, and frustrated than ever. Connections scares me as much as I crave them, and what connections I do make barely scratch the surface. I'm doing my best but it feels the worst. FML
Today, it’s been a couple of days since I hurt my knee. What did I do? Fall asleep sitting up, and somehow locking my knees. It’s been at least a week already. I’m only 26. FML
Today, as I've always done, I worked extra hard to move up but was never able to in this podunk town, because you have to be related to get anywhere. My wife loves this town and didn't believe me until she got promoted at her work and her "friends" started treating her differently. Welcome to reality. FML
Today, I realized that everytime I get close to a guy, they either straight up friendzone me, or they string me along the talking stage until they find someone else. The holidays are coming up. This will be yet another year spending it alone without that special someone. FML
Today, I got home from working 14 hours straight, went to take a dump, and fell asleep on the toilet. I woke up later on the floor, covered in shit and piss, with my alarm going off, an hour before I was due back at work. FML
Today, it seems that I won't be having sex for a while. I was Live Action Role Playing and got hit in the dick with a foam sword. The hit moved my armour enough for a padded arrow to get a direct hit on my right nut. FML
Today, I realized that the past 10 years of my life was wasted on being a decent and helpful person only to have people lie about me, physically and verbally attack me, try to ruin my personal and professional life, and even cause me to go into debt and deep depression. All of this because I fell in love with a guy 10 years ago. FML
Today, I've never celebrated Halloween or Christmas because my super-duper religious parents forbade me from doing so. Now I'm an adult and really want to make up for the childhood memories I was brutally robbed of, but I know people will laugh at me and say I'm too old if I try. FML
Today, I drew the short straw to play Santa at the office Christmas party. As I bent down to give my coworker a gift, my "Ho, ho, ho!" turned into "Ow, ow, ow!" because I threw out my back. FML
Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML
Today, I was feeling more and more sick, with significant pain in my abdomen. Nobody believed me, and my grandma told me to stop whinging and to eat something. I tried but started vomiting, and now I'm being rushed into surgery with an already necrotic appendix. FML
Today, I went to an orchestra concert and everyone was sat really close together. I tried to avoid hitting people nearby, and tried to lean back to not hit anyone. My bow ended up hitting a cymbal from the percussion section and made quite a loud sound. It was during a really soft part of a song. Kill me. FML
Today, the man of my dreams who I met online and have been exchanging messages with day and night for weeks asked the dreaded question: “Can you send me a full body pic?” It’s been 5 years since I had a guy hit me up. I weigh 300 lbs and look like a potato with legs. I don’t wanna lose him. FML
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