Animals: Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being...

By NotTellingYouMyName - 28/11/2013 06:26 - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 729

You deserved it 3 603

Animals

Our house, in the middle of our street

BO Central

Batman

What Mötley Crüe call "Breakfast"

By oh no - 18/04/2020 02:00

Today, I think all those jokes my wife made about becoming an alcoholic during quarantine may be true. She came back from the weekly shopping today with 7 bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a 30-pack of beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 242

By Depressed and clueless - 24/10/2018 15:00 - United States - Manhattan

Today, after months of being told I'm just being paranoid, my hallmates admitted and proved that there really is a dorm-wide conspiracy to socially isolate me. I don’t know what I did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 485

You deserved it 187

By phonesnshit - 29/05/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 143

You deserved it 3 476

By lrn2spel, teach - 12/12/2013 18:00 - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 575

You deserved it 4 510

By Ecolo-girl - 11/03/2016 06:22 - France - Quint

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 969

You deserved it 2 013

By midwify - 05/01/2015 17:58 - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 219

You deserved it 7 601

Well done Cooper

By Anonymous - 14/02/2021 02:02 - United States - Brush Prairie

Today, my phone chose not to deliver a message to my girlfriend. This isn't the first time either; It has a habit of failing to deliver or receive messages to/from her, making it look like I'm ignoring her by not responding. It only does this with her, none of my other contacts. My phone may be trying to sabotage my relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 16/02/2014 19:21 - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 129

You deserved it 3 842

By Anonymous - 23/06/2019 20:30

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 934

You deserved it 118

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 00:43 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 820

You deserved it 2 172

By trembelwick - 03/12/2011 10:04 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 660

You deserved it 6 031

By computerguy - 22/01/2011 01:15 - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 587

You deserved it 4 222

By Anonymous - 07/06/2013 13:25 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 397

You deserved it 5 481

By theguy24 - 27/01/2009 12:47 - United States

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 474

You deserved it 8 936

By ocroyalty - 01/02/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 421

You deserved it 2 644

By jazzybell - 21/11/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 203

You deserved it 6 710

In a bad place

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 11:01

Today, while scrolling through my contact list, I realized I have more therapists and support workers than I do friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 119

By Jane - 24/11/2011 13:57 - Australia

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 729

You deserved it 6 196

By areyoukiddingme - 07/01/2013 06:09 - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 404

You deserved it 6 661

By ClearOne - 12/05/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 613

You deserved it 31 926

A very compassionate defence…

By Jennifer - 19/05/2021 22:01

Today, I’ve been summoned to court because I found some homeless people living in a house I bought to renovate, and my brothers and I threw them out. Apparently even though it’s my property, they had some bullshit squatters rights. I can’t believe the courts are taking their complaint seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 128

You deserved it 332

By hey-ooo - 28/10/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 736

You deserved it 2 831

By ChloeisaDoll - 21/07/2019 06:01

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 836

You deserved it 98

Same as "work", "boss" is also a four-letter word

By Scoopie - 15/03/2017 14:00

Today, my job offer from 2 weeks ago was rescinded. My "new boss" didn't like my last performance review. I'd spent 30 hours preparing a case study for the second interview. He wants me to be a "standup guy" and withdraw my application voluntarily, so HR doesn't have to get involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 198

You deserved it 329

By shampoomice - 07/08/2013 16:34 - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 781

You deserved it 5 408

Freudian slip

By stupid me - 28/10/2020 06:02 - Israel

Today, while hugging my sister's husband, I accidentally let out a "Mmm…" sound in front my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 387

You deserved it 1 000

The Birmingham School of Business School

By overundereducated - 13/03/2020 18:00

Today, I found out that my stick figure drawing passed as homework during my doctoral level seminar. I'm paying over two thousand dollars for this course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous - 10/01/2012 17:43 - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 312

You deserved it 5 041

Communication Breakdown

By Anonymous - 18/04/2021 17:00

Today, I just called my now ex-girlfriend to break up with her, due to our insurmountable lack of communication, even though I was in therapy for four months to try and keep the relationship afloat. Before breaking up, she'd blocked me on Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter and Instagram for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:44 - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 000

You deserved it 1 500

By SuddenlyDogless - 22/02/2017 13:00 - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 038

You deserved it 844

By horribleday - 20/06/2017 09:00 - United States - Ozark

Today, my husband stood me up for his birthday dinner, that I'd made, in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 636

You deserved it 405

By Ab - 10/02/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 259

You deserved it 42 602

Superficial World

By apparentlytoofat - 26/04/2020 05:00

Today, my husband said he thinks of me as more of a roommate than a romantic interest, and he’s wouldn't be that attracted to me unless I lose another 20 pounds. I was just celebrating that I’d lost 5 pounds already in April. Stress makes it harder to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 213

You deserved it 289

Beat It

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 168

By fritzile - 10/01/2016 23:53 - United States - Chandler

Today, I told a customer the bread he wanted has been discontinued. He replied with, "Are you serious? What is your name? I'm going up front to complain about you." I still don't understand how that's specifically my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 070

You deserved it 1 324

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 15/03/2021 20:30 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I came home upset about the sexism in my work place. I just wanted to be alone, but my husband insisted we talk about it. I noticed he kept looking over and one of his hands was moving. He was playing video games the entire time I was spilling my guts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 176

By Amelia - 23/06/2019 00:16

Today, I’ve discovered that even if he brushes his teeth for 10 minutes straight, flosses, and rinses with mouthwash, my boyfriend’s breath still smells like a cross between sewage and rotting fish. I’m running out of excuses for not kissing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 212

Little shit

By moneyman22 - 01/03/2010 19:09 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year-old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 395

You deserved it 3 943

Bad timing

By Proprepourtant - 16/04/2011 11:28 - France

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 827

You deserved it 12 544

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

dramaelf 37

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:12

I honestly saw a guy named Mickey Mouse in my local phonebook. You could have it a lot worse.

vcapelo 19

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:10

Don't chicken out and remove your number!

unlucky_04 10

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:10

Do they say "Pun intended"?

Arrow44 10

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:39

No they say "May I stuff you for Thanksgiving...." them the next 3 minutes is heavy breathing and the faint sound of someone scratching their belly.

unlucky_04 10

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 13:00

^Fail

vcapelo 19

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:10

Don't chicken out and remove your number!

SmuggletheBudgie 15

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 15:42

Just respond with your best turkey impression instead

letmehavemytea 21

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 18:07

Make gobbling noises until they hang up out of fear. This year the turkeys will win.

RoboCunnilingus 23

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 23:19

OP, don't listen to these guys or they'll ask to baste you next.

aimeegoldberg 22

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:10

"Yes, hi, I'd like to order you stuffed, please?"

oj101 33

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:38

OP should tell them to go stuff themselves.

8313girl 28

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 15:17

You poor soul. Does this happen to you every year? Yeah you gotta jump on getting your name out of the phone book before someone else calls and asks if they can inject you with their flavor.

Aleys_fml 21

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 22:33

OP said she's in the phone book "for business purposes" removing her name and number would probably hurt her business.

dramaelf 37

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:12

I honestly saw a guy named Mickey Mouse in my local phonebook. You could have it a lot worse.

mattynick 11

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:24

He probably changed that himself though.

Nohman 14

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 13:04

Some parents are just cruel. Especially celebrity parents.

mkymouse90 17

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 13:43

Hey don't be jealous!

Missyeru 14

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 14:01

My next door neighbors are Betty and Charlie Brown. Peanut jokes for days

duma191 21

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 14:01

i knew a guy named Charlie Brown.

rocker_chick105 31

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 14:02

There is a kid at the local city school near me. His name is pronounced "sha-theed." It's spelled shithead... sometimes parents are bastards.

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 24

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 17:56

I can imagine how a sub would pronounce his name.

TCRII 29

Thursday 28 November 2013 18:38

When I was a teen, there was an OB/GYN in my town named Dr. Harry Beaver.

Freethaawave 19

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 19:22

There was a kid from my high school named Ka-Ching it was pretty hilarious, not sure if thats how he spelled it, though.

SJParker 13

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 21:30

@56- probably with a lot of $'s.

AngelSpit 18

Send a private message

Saturday 30 November 2013 7:58

I went to high school with a girl named Cherry Pitts and a guy named Chip Mounke

phatdaddy62 23

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:13

Giggidy!

AlaskanG 27

Send a private message

Friday 29 November 2013 2:17

You look like you'd be one of the guys calling her.

phatdaddy62 23

Send a private message

Friday 29 November 2013 3:06

And you look like a Smurf.

AlaskanG 27

Send a private message

Friday 29 November 2013 6:39

Yeah, that made no sense to me...

phatdaddy62 23

Send a private message

Friday 29 November 2013 10:17

And I am an idiot.

WellImScrewed124 6

Send a private message

Saturday 30 November 2013 9:57

You are a dickwad 82

phatdaddy62 23

Send a private message

Saturday 30 November 2013 19:33

AlaskanG calls me a pervert and I'm a dickwad. Yea. That's a logical conclusion.

WellImScrewed124 6

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:18

Wow that sucks. But always nice to have a laugh.

DenBriZel 31

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:19

I apologize for laughing at your pain.

Sandsh8rk 36

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:21

Accept the offer. You might be going places my friend ;)

wisericky 12

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 16:14

Like the dinner table.

Akay4 14

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 16:21

The both of your pictures fit together perfectly.

vipirius 18

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:39

Yeah and I'm Turkish, so I know how you feel OP.

Rainhawk94 27

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 14:38

Not really

lysx84 24

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 12:43

Loving OP's name... please tell us!?

jojimugo 20

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 19:34

Mulva .... Anyone?

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 58

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 59

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 588

You deserved it 124

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments