Today, I parked at the airport and rushed inside. TSA pulled me into a back room for screening, including a rectal exam, then let me go, but I missed my flight. Back at my car, there was a note on the windshield: “I know what you did, John. Lock your doors next time.” (My name isn't John) and I found a pile of shit on my seat. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML
Today, after reading a sign at the airport, my 6-year-old son thought it would be funny to yell, "Daddy's got a bomb!" Airport security then tackled me to the ground. Oh, and I missed my flight and my mother's birthday. FML
Today, I drove to the airport and parked in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly, as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML
Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML
Today, while going through customs at the airport, my bag was selected for screening. It was nearly overflowing because it was so full, so before the TSA agent searched it, I said, "Watch out - it's going to explode when you open it". Wrong choice of words. FML
Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML
Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML
Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat, and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be, I found a note. It said, "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex-boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML
Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML
Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
BurnInDemonFire 39
Hang on... how late were you that you were intending to fly to parts unknown without locking your car? It's 2026 so how old was your car that you couldn't lock it via the fob? And how suspiciously were you behaving that the TSA went as far as a rectal check? Also, it seems a little convenient that you were the victim of mistaken identity in such a specific place at such a specific time that someone who saw you found your car and managed to take a shit in it. Tl;dr - your story is full of more shit than your car.
Zebediabolical 45
If TSA actually gave you a rectal exam, which I seriously doubt, file a complaint. They're not authorized to do that and someone will end up in jail behind it.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (3)
BurnInDemonFire 39
Hang on... how late were you that you were intending to fly to parts unknown without locking your car? It's 2026 so how old was your car that you couldn't lock it via the fob? And how suspiciously were you behaving that the TSA went as far as a rectal check? Also, it seems a little convenient that you were the victim of mistaken identity in such a specific place at such a specific time that someone who saw you found your car and managed to take a shit in it. Tl;dr - your story is full of more shit than your car.
Linda Graber 12
TSA does not give rectal exams.
Zebediabolical 45
If TSA actually gave you a rectal exam, which I seriously doubt, file a complaint. They're not authorized to do that and someone will end up in jail behind it.