Today, my husband has recently discovered prostate play. He is now using my sextoys to pleasure himself and not telling me until after. He doesn't see the problem. FML
Today, I'm stuck in traffic and the rain is pouring. I guess I'll just have to wait until this is over. I wonder what I'll say to the interviewer when he cancels. FML
Today, I have been victimised by a lunch thief at work for months, despite numerous complaints to management, so I exposed the thief by lacing my curry with that old classic, laxatives. Even though my coworker was caught brown-handed shitting himself, I was the one suspended for making him sick. FML
Today, after reading and listening to stories about cheating and failed relationships, I realized that my infatuation for a coworker has begun to dwindle. I don't think I'm psychologically strong enough to recover a failed relationship. FML
Today, my girl came home and said, "I'm gonna jump in the shower, I'm horny as fuck." Naturally, I assumed that was an invitation, so I lit some candles quickly and hopped on the bed, waiting for her. She got out, looked at me funny and said, "The fuck are you doing? I want to masturbate. Get out." FML
Today, I'm on a road trip with my girlfriends, and they're all telling each other stories about their sex lives. Me, as I'm a virgin, I'm writing this FML, bored to death due to not having anything to contribute to the conversation. FML
Today, my girlfriend’s brother FaceTimed her from Brazil to talk about his business. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but we were in the middle of our fourth reschedule attempt to celebrate my birthday. I was sitting naked next to her when she took the call, and she sees no problem. FML
Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML
Today, while barbecuing, I noticed a small black baby spider crawling on my shirt. Then I felt another one crawling on the back of my neck. I still don't know if there were more than two baby spiders on me. FML
Today, a customer has been tanking my business online, claiming I’m a fraud and stole her money. She ordered a painted copy of one of her wedding photos and was mad she couldn’t pick it up that same afternoon. Do you have any idea how long portraits take to paint? Longer than two hours I can tell you. FML
Today, my parents brought home lunch from a shady grocery store deli. They mused about how hard I am to feed because I turned it down; the last time I ate anything from there, it gave me botulism, and it tastes horrible anyway. They both got sick. Now I'm playing nurse to both. No apologies yet. FML
Today, it only took my dad 10 minutes after I'd arrived at my parents' house for him to say that the actor scheduled to be the new Doctor Who couldn't be Doctor Who because "He's black!" I did try pointing out that Doctor Who is an alien with two hearts but… I gave up after that. Merry Christmas, yeah. FML
Today, I found out my mom had a miscarriage before I was born. I had no idea about this, and the reason I found out was that she posted it on Facebook, where I'm friends with her. She feels fine posting about this to complete strangers but not talking to me about it? FML
Today, I realized I am one of those people who has trouble reading their own handwriting. It looks like someone trying to write in cursive when they don't even have the slightest idea what cursive writing even is. I do know what it is. I'm just very, very rusty. FML
Today, my relationship with my sister-in-law has never been the greatest, so I've been trying to improve it. Any progress I may have made was destroyed when I accidentally slammed a car door shut with her hand in it. Good news: Her hand is not broken. Bad news: She absolutely refuses to believe it was an accident. FML
Today, my boyfriend got hired as a customer service agent at an airline. I'm full of anxiety ever since, because he has a cheating past. I then find out he has to fly out to Texas for two weeks training, and to top it off its all girls in his team. I don't want him to wanna go join them for city exploring, or food and drinks. He’s mad at me for it. FML
Today, all of my friends and family have ostracized me, and no one is willing to talk to me about anything, because I gave my baby up for adoption after my husband died. Nobody understands that I'm not cut out to be a single mom. FML.
Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML
Today, a little girl and her mother stopped in front of my window to look at the witch I'd put there as a Halloween decoration. The little girl was smiling, so I lifted the curtain and smiled at her. When she saw me, she started to cry, and ran away. FML
Today, I handed over to my wife a new PC I had just built for her. She's now not talking to me, as I had been completely selfish and hadn't thought of her, all because I did not preinstall Google Chrome or move the Windows 11 start menu to the left. FML
Today, while I was stuck in traffic, I got a nasty call from my boss, demanding to know why I hadn't set up a demo site for a client. I'd never gotten the request, and even if I had, I couldn't do it because I was in traffic. The exchange humiliated him on a conference call with the client, so he wrote me up out of spite. FML
Today, I’ve been threatened with a lawsuit for refusing to treat a patient. I had to refuse her because she brought a huge hairy dog with her that she falsely claimed was her service animal. Not only am I deathly allergic to dogs, the damn thing shat in my waiting room. FML
Today, I once again had to explain to yet another student up for expulsion that hate speech, slurs, threats, and sexual harassment are NOT “protected by their first amendment rights.” How these idiots even got into college is beyond me. FML
Today, I went to the dentist for a routine check-up, and halfway through the appointment, the dentist exclaimed, "Oops!" Turns out, he accidentally glued my lips together while fixing a tiny chip in my front tooth. I spent the next two hours communicating through exaggerated facial expressions and hand gestures. FML
Today, my neighbour is suing me because she got stung in the face by a wasp, a wasp that came from my garden into hers and stung her, therefore it must be my fault. FML
Today, I told my on and off girlfriend as a joke that I stalked her two years ago. She didn't believe me. When I say she didn't believe me, I mean she didn't believe it was a joke. FML
Today, my wife decided to quit nicotine. I came home to find my Xbox, Playstation, Switch, and PC burning in our fire pit. FML
Today, and not for the first time, I wondered if the "musical guest" on SNL was somebody they found busking in the nearest subway station. FML
Today, my mom tried to keep her boyfriend from indiscriminately devouring my personal things in the fridge. So, instead of just sticking a note with my name on them, the lids of my jars of homemade pesto are now decorated in sharpie with a motif of “NO! DO NOT EAT!” FML
Today, one of my twin sons found out he's going to be a dad. His little sister who loves science ended up telling him that, since he has a twin who is genetically identical, he's genetically the baby's dad too. My son, being a bit dim, took this to mean his brother slept with his wife and hit him. FML
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