Today, my mom tried to keep her boyfriend from indiscriminately devouring my personal things in the fridge. So, instead of just sticking a note with my name on them, the lids of my jars of homemade pesto are now decorated in sharpie with a motif of “NO! DO NOT EAT!” FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML
Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "Fuck off!" "Sharp!" "Do not fucking touch!" "Go away!" "Do not fucking throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML
Today, I bought Valentine’s Day cupcakes in advance, knowing they were going to be sold out by then. I put them in the fridge, still wrapped in their plastic bag, with a Post-it that said, “Don’t Touch.” Apparently, this didn’t stop my wife from eating all 12 mini cupcakes because she “was hungry.” FML
Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML
Today, I had to hide the entire drawer of kitchen knives under my bed just to keep my mother from stabbing her cheating boyfriend, and slashing his tires. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. FML
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
Today, I fell asleep at my boyfriend’s house and missed my curfew. It’s almost 4 a.m. Scrambling, I arrived home to find the locks changed. On the door knob was a note: “Go live with your boyfriend, you slut. See if he cooks and cleans up after you. I’ll help you move out your stuff in the morning. - Mom” FML
Today, I snuck into my aunt's house while she was working to raid her pantry, like I do most days. Excited for a snack cake, I went to the pantry. Apparently she'd found out, because there was a lock on it. FML
Today, I saw my mom changing the expiry date on milk. She genuinely thought this would make the milk sour later. FML
Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML
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Top comments
Vesi 30
Hey, at least your mom is being proactive about keeping her guy's mouth out of your stuff! Way too many FLM's are about parental units' SOs getting away with murder.
Crowned Sataness 12
your mom is trying. that's more than most kids get. see the humor in it and appreciate the effort
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Comments (2)
Vesi 30
Hey, at least your mom is being proactive about keeping her guy's mouth out of your stuff! Way too many FLM's are about parental units' SOs getting away with murder.
Crowned Sataness 12
your mom is trying. that's more than most kids get. see the humor in it and appreciate the effort
Yudith 28
Plus, you can reuse the "No! Do not eat!" containers at the office. If somebody complains that your habanero-laxative tapenade made them sick, your butt is covered, and you're ready for HR.