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The all-time greatest FMLs

Cursed building

By I care too much - 06/05/2019 04:00

Today, I learned that the windows in my flat will be removed and then replaced with new ones. This would be very good, if it wasn't for the ongoing removal of the asbestos insulation in the very same flat. I guess the administration will pay less for scaffolding this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 144

Where am I?

By Morgan Jones - 18/06/2019 20:08

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 448

Baby Daddy

By Anonymous - 15/06/2022 12:00

Today, and ever since she got pregnant, my girlfriend has been hinting that one of her great-grandfathers was black, so there’s a chance our son may be black too. I wasn’t suspicious before, but she has mentioned it so often I’m starting to think it’s less a great grandad and more a baby daddy issue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 135

By Kenton - 15/06/2019 00:14

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 176

Birthday blues

By omaha24 - 29/04/2020 02:00

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 576

By Dana - 16/11/2018 15:30

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 3 483

Stay classy, bro

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 02:02

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 161

Bon appetit!

By Fattie - 28/10/2019 06:00

Today, I'm on a diet. I was compelled to start it when the only pet name my boyfriend could think of for me yesterday was, "My baby elephant." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 116

The sweet smell of success

By stink stank stunk - 09/06/2022 13:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, as the only female manager, I had to talk to a worker about her hygiene. I asked if she had the means and a place to shower. She rolled her eyes and said of course she did, but found daily bathing unnecessary, and that a couple times a month does her just fine. The whole staff would disagree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 05/07/2019 02:00

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 267

Thanks for the setup, dude

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 286

By YoshiSqu4d - 03/07/2019 14:01

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 117

By Sabre777 - 17/08/2019 22:00

Today, while as a therapist, a client made an audible fart and pointed out that she had done so. Shortly after, she wrinkled her nose as she savored the odor. She began to discuss her significant trauma issues. Before I could respond, her fart wafted over to me, making any mature response pointless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 167

Deep ink

By Wanderlei Santos - 09/07/2020 14:03

Today, I'm going to get my first tattoo. Too bad it's inside my colon so the surgeon can mark the section to remove. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 108

Out of pocket

By Manigirl - 03/04/2022 22:00

Today, I did a girl’s gel manicure at the nail salon I work at. When I went to give her the bill, she said, “Oh my god, it’s Jackie Chan! Hi!” and pointed behind me. Instinctively, I turned around, for her to shout “Syke!” and took off running. She didn’t pay for her manicure. It was $73. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 270

Dane Cook? Is that you?

By ShardsOfShame - 26/08/2022 10:00 - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother why his relationship with a just-turned 18 year-old would be inappropriate. According to him, they’ve been “dating” for two years now but “haven’t had sex or anything.” He’s 39. He got mad at me for calling him a pedophile and smashed my glass table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 268

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 06:15

Today, I told my girlfriend she was beautiful. She replied, "Lit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 266

My Humps

By nix1993 - 19/10/2019 21:00 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, I visited my old job to pick up some paperwork. Since leaving over a year ago, I’ve lost over 60lbs, but I’m currently 6 months pregnant. Not a single person believed that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 284

By Anonymous - 11/07/2019 02:00

Today, I felt so lonely that when I was watching a ghost show, I wished my house was haunted so at least some sort of presence was with me, even if it was in another dimension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 276

Venus in Furs

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 160

Change my mind

By Anonymous - 27/01/2022 01:59

Spicy

Today, my wife and I had zero interest in being parents, so she's on the pill and I always wear a condom, but now, with my vasectomy less than a week away, she somehow got pregnant and decides she wants to keep it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 402

Socializing

By nja - 12/07/2020 23:01

Today, it's the first day in 14 weeks I've got dressed up and gone out anywhere other than to go food shopping. Shame it’s to attend a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 261

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 02:01

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 180

Nerves of steel

By EdibleCape - 28/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went out with my best girl friend to spice up my wardrobe. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, who was constantly flip-flopping from being in love with me to being apathetic towards me. After having a great day, on the way home, my ex pulled up next to our car and I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 337

Harshing my buzz

By Anonymous - 09/06/2022 06:00

Today, on my wife's and my 30th wedding anniversary, my dad once again told me the "honeymoon phase" won't last and soon we'll begin hating each other, and fighting all the time. Dad, it's been thirty fucking years and we're still very in love. Just admit you and mom had a shitty relationship and leave us alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 121

Unpaid

By Anonymous - 12/01/2022 10:59

Today, I informed my daughter-in-law that I’m a granny, not an unpaid, on-call 24/7 babysitter, and no, I will not be babysitting her kids all day so she can go to an all-day brunch with her similarly selfish girlfriends. She threw an actual tantrum and threatened to put me in a home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 607

You deserved it 188

Late stage capitalism

By Cron - 28/08/2022 00:00

Today, my time-off request was denied because I'd said on my application that I have “open availability.” This is normally true, except my mother passed away and I need to travel to go to her funeral. I attempted to appeal, but ended up fired for “misleading” the company by “lying on a job application.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 607

You deserved it 124

Sips unsee juice

By Facepalm2020 - 21/06/2020 23:01

Today, my mom asked me what twerking was. When I said that it was a club dance, trying to get out of telling her what it actually was, she begged me to teach her how to do it. My mom complained to my dad, who grounded me for not teaching her to twerk her ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 607

You deserved it 354

By dragonstooth257 - 25/02/2019 16:00

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 607

You deserved it 1 512

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 1 542

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite Hentai character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 713

You deserved it 1 587

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 035

You deserved it 6 197

Today, I was visiting my in-laws and sharing a room with my husband's 17-year-old sister. Later that night she and her brother of 24 years started fist-fighting over an air mattress and I had to pull them off each other. The brother later berated me with, "You can't handle any pressure!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 216

You deserved it 395

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 542

You deserved it 26 273

Today, I learned that my family only came to the state I live in because my great grandfather was caught molesting his own children. He was never convicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 72