Technique

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 23:02

Today, I figured out the best way to endure my wife's lack of sex drive: whenever she complains, I lose the urge myself. Works like a charm, because she complains all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 225

Hiding from the drama

Good kid

Sorry…

By Nathanael Johnson - 30/07/2019 16:00

Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 121

By STIdiot - 17/10/2011 12:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 608

You deserved it 3 661

By Anonymous - 03/12/2012 11:53 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 002

You deserved it 4 178

Footloose

By Imnotfromhere - 16/06/2021 10:59

Today, my neighbor told me to stop pushing the elevator buttons and opening doors with my feet. I bitched him out, because he's been making a huge issue out of it for months. Right after, I realized I forgot my keys inside and he's the only person around that can let me in the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 167

You deserved it 1 667

By heartbroken - 30/03/2011 00:15 - United States

Today, I managed to convince the girl of my dreams to stop being so shy, and put herself out there to get her crush to make a move. It worked. And yet as it turns out, I'm not her crush after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 465

You deserved it 13 760

By Username - 02/08/2011 06:46 - United States

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 811

You deserved it 2 855

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 525

You deserved it 3 383

By Preggo - 14/05/2016 17:11 - United States - Memphis

Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 885

You deserved it 1 411

By Anonymous - 17/08/2015 08:33 - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 655

You deserved it 42 671

By Anonymous - 15/04/2012 13:55 - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 517

You deserved it 4 722

By Anonymous - 16/05/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I called the guy I've liked for a long time and told him how I felt. He didn't say anything except for "hello." After I spilled my feelings, I hear "Haha, just kidding I'm not here right now! Call me back later!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 632

You deserved it 8 705

By drunk under 18 teenager - 19/08/2014 13:37 - Morocco - Marrakech

Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 057

You deserved it 50 127

By EternalBlossom - 14/07/2015 05:03 - United States

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 444

You deserved it 23 896

By racello13 - 02/11/2015 15:26 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 381

You deserved it 1 796

First day at work

By dumbass724 - 13/01/2020 14:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 892

You deserved it 450

By Anonymous - 19/06/2015 19:51 - United States - Seattle

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 101

You deserved it 2 439

By ClaustrophobicNightmares - 28/03/2014 08:42 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 860

You deserved it 3 278

Thanks, I guess…

By edible - 20/05/2009 20:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend by sending her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who'd delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 476

You deserved it 4 070

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 565

You deserved it 13 738

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 16:13 - Netherlands

Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 389

You deserved it 9 177

By Anonymous - 05/03/2018 01:30

Today, my insanely religious 60-year-old neighbor screamed at me when I left my home to go to work. I was wearing jeans and that’s apparently improper for a female adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 447

You deserved it 306

By alone - 14/02/2012 05:34 - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 685

You deserved it 21 371

By LA - 17/02/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 340

You deserved it 41 554

Droning on

By macone - 24/04/2021 21:30

Today, a colleague crashed a drone into my almost brand new car. I even asked him before if it was OK to park there or if I should better park somewhere else, and he said, "No problem" and bragged about being the best drone pilot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 111

Dad of the month

By littl3storm - 11/07/2020 08:08

Today, I found out that my 'dad', the man who couldn't afford to buy me a bed, despite sleeping on the floor for 3+ years, has spent well over $3000 on sex chat lines, as well as cheating us out of child payments. He doesn't understand why I refuse to talk to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 045

You deserved it 98

By BirthdayBoy - 25/09/2009 14:54 - United States

Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 864

You deserved it 7 286

By Anonymous - 16/12/2013 07:55

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 813

You deserved it 7 390

The Blob

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 17:02 - Germany

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 257

Mr. Nice Guy

By kate9871 - 04/10/2019 02:00

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 310

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 462

You deserved it 49 622

By Kid - 17/03/2010 09:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 031

You deserved it 80 235

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 22:00

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 2 134

By sadbride - 09/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 921

You deserved it 253

By Anonymous - 20/08/2009 13:23 - Australia

Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 402

You deserved it 47 935

By imnotcrying - 23/08/2019 20:00

Today, I signed into the Netflix account that I pay for, only to see that my ex had added a new profile for his new girlfriend. We’ve only been separated for two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 876

You deserved it 287

By FavreFan99 - 01/01/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 471

You deserved it 23 486

Deadbeat

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 07:01 - Ireland

Today, exactly a year after he ended our relationship days before our son's first Christmas and told me he would always be in mine and our sons lives, I learned my ex got a new girlfriend several months ago, who more than likely is the reason he stopped calling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 109

By creepyeyes - 21/06/2009 18:37 - Canada

Today, I got myself a cool pair of colored contacts. I was wearing them while at home, so that I'll get used to them. Then I had to go to a job interview. I forgot to take them out. I went to a job interview with zebra-print eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 980

You deserved it 68 487

By Anonymous - 11/03/2015 15:26 - United States

Today, I got in line for my flight to visit a friend in England. My mom was there to see me off, and decided to shout "No sex!" while waving, in front of at least a hundred people who will very likely be sharing the transatlantic flight with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 678

You deserved it 3 100

By DJ - 07/04/2013 18:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 541

You deserved it 5 856

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Top comments

Charlie Given 24

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Friday 21 August 2020 0:13

Time for some couples therapy or a new wife. Don't live like that it'll only make ya resentful and bitter which will eventually make you depressed.

Yolanda Patrice Evans 17

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Friday 21 August 2020 6:25

Maybe try putting a stop to the things she complains about if it’s within your power ?

Comments

genuinegoodguy 9

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Friday 21 August 2020 0:04

How does that help you have sex?

Charlie Given 24

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Friday 21 August 2020 0:13

Time for some couples therapy or a new wife. Don't live like that it'll only make ya resentful and bitter which will eventually make you depressed.

mickymoose1 15

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Friday 21 August 2020 0:28

There might be a lack of communication on both sides there. Maybe ask yourself if her complaints are valid and look within yourself first. If that's not the case maybe try talking to her about it. If that also doesn't work couples therapy might help but that only works if both parties want to be there.

Jill Marie Peters 12

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Sunday 23 August 2020 2:30

Well, where's the fun in that?

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 21 August 2020 0:51

I guess that solution is less risky than getting a side piece, even if it means that your wife always wins and you always lose. You might want to see what TheGoldenNugget has to say.