Today, I got married. After the ceremony, my sister asked to talk to me. I followed her and she told me that we are no longer related because we don't have the same last name anymore. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML
Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML
Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML
Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML
Today, I was grooming one of my horses, when she stepped on my foot. I yelled and frantically tried to push her away. She turned her head toward me and shifted the rest of her weight onto my foot. I'm in the hospital now. FML
sophiilou tells us more.
Wow, it got published! Wasn't expecting that. For starters, let me just announce NO BROKEN BONES! HALLELUJAH! Seriously is a miracle. Just a super bruised foot. Second, just to give you an idea, this particular mate is the head honcho if my barn. She thinks she is just queen of the world lol. She hates getting her girth out on, and she knows when it's out. When you hook it up on one side (so it isn't even on yet) she gets PISSED. So that day she decided to just step on me and not move, no matter what I did. I didn't clarify that I did punch her in the shoulder, but this mare, dear lord, she just does not care. That's when she shifted ALL of her weight onto that foot. I wasn't wearing my (much more protective) barn boots because I was late for my lesson and needed to hurry. So instead of grooming and tacking in my barn boots I had my tall boots on. I've actually been bitten by the same mare, for the same reason (girth), and that was probably an even more awful bruise than my foot! I seriously don't know how I get away with just bruises. And I know what you're thinking, "Why do you keep working with her when she injures you 24/7?!" Well, she's an amazing horse, just very sassy lol. Also, to whoever said they had no sympathy for me because I owned a lot of horses so hospital bills would not be a problem, you're just dumb. I could've been forever crippled, and you said you have no sympathy? I could've been forced to never compete again. And you have no sympathy? Wow. I'm not on here looking for everyone's sympathy, don't get me wrong, I actually found the whole incident hilarious. But that was EXTREMELY inconsiderate of you to say that. Thanks for all the good wishes!!!! Smushed Sophie out! :) -OP
Today, I made some brownies to take over to my dad's place for his party. He started yelling at me when I told him I'd added a special ingredient for taste, demanding to know what I had slipped them. Cinnamon. It was cinnamon. FML
WolfAvenge tells us more.
WolfAvenge 22
I did tell them before they ate it, I was handing over the plate to him as I told him what was in it. I would never give someone food without them knowing what was in it in case they were allergic; he just over reacted. I've never done drugs or was an issue child in the past so I'm not sure why he thought I put something else in them! Needless to say they loved the brownies once I convinced them it was just cinnamon.
Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML
Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML
Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML
Today, I found out why my girlfriend was so excited to get to see me. She finally got to end the relationship she didn't want anymore. FML
BandAid1865 tells us more.
Hey OP here. To help clarify some things. To those that were confused, yes she broke up with me. Apparently she didn't want the relationship to begin with. Thanks everyone for the support, but please keep the comments clean. She might have broke my heart but that doesn't make her any less of a person.
Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn't notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML
Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML
Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML
Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years-old; he's 97. FML
Today, I realized that my boyfriend really does have a problem with my upper-lip hair. I woke up this morning to him ripping a wax strip off of my face. All he could say after I stopped shrieking was that he had hoped it wouldn't wake me up. FML
Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML
Today, I had to explain to my one person on my staff why having kids aged 6 to 9 hammering in screws with the butt end of a screwdriver is neither safe, nor a good idea. FML
Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML
Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML
Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone, my dog nabbed it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML
Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML
Today, my brother got his very first paycheck and blew it all on weed and a godawful tattoo, whereas I have been saving steadily for three years. Yet according to mum and dad, I'm the one who is irresponsible with money, because if I was being responsible I'd have enough for my own house by now. FML
Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML
Today, I dropped my toothbrush. Because I have the spatial awareness of a mentally-retarded gnat, I hit my head against the sink as I bent down to get it. Then I did the same on the way back up, almost KO'ing myself. My boyfriend saw the whole thing and nearly pissed himself laughing. FML
Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML
Today, I was bored and all alone while cleaning at work. This led me to start passionately doing a ballet dance in the empty corridor. I promptly stopped as I remembered the surveillance cameras. FML
Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. FML
Today, a bible-toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML
Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML
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