Work: Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

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Dangling modifier

Late term

Triage

By LonelyInLA - United States

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

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By missingno007 - United States - Clarkesville

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was woken up by my teenage son pulling down my shirt and taking pictures of my breasts. FML

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By Seriously - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being laid off for over a year, I got turned down for an unpaid internship. I can't even get people to let me work for free. FML

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By LadyAlyxandrea

Today, I almost died after getting an epidural in my neck. The medicine paralyzed my entire body, including my diaphragm and lungs. The doctor tried to say it was a panic attack. I had turned blue. FML

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By Lysh

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By brazo667 - United States - Fort Stewart

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By Rose - United States

Today, the man I went on a date with a few weeks ago finally called me back. I was his "one phone call" from prison. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML

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By

Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 23:02 - Germany

Good boy

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food and continue cuddling. FML

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By sad life - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

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By lizann - United States - Scottsdale

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

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By Confusedfiance

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out how painful it is when your ceiling fan falls on you. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML

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By poophead - Philippines

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

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By halliemarie1818 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

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By thebiteof87 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was reading a picture storybook to a kindergarten kid. She could pronounce more words than me, and corrected me. I'm about triple her age. FML

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By thatgirl - United States

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

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By FoundMyLighter - United States

Today, my jeep wouldn't start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep's hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll... with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

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By jakeeey - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I was talking to one of my supervisors at my new job. He asked if I knew a professor at the school I recently graduated from, and I decided to babble on about how shitty of a professor he was and how much I loathed his class. He then looked at me and said, "That's my dad." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

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By dusty

Today I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

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By brokewithnocar

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

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By Ow - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By Wow - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was on the internet playing a game. I have a speech impediment, and the guy running it told me to get off his server for making fun of disabled people. FML

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By TappedAnts - United States - Seabrook

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

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By addie - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 15:30 - Canada - Cambridge

Sweet, my ass

Today, I worked with a sweet old lady. She refused to cook most of the food on the menu, and the food she did cook was super oily. When she received complaints about it, she blamed me for not draining the oil. When the customer defended me, she then told the customer it was her job to drain the oil. FML

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By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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Top comments

By dani22097 | 0

#1931761 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:36

lemme guess... you drank their water

By VivaLaCobra22 | 0

#1931744 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:33

no more burritos for you!

COMMENTS

By Ekh0es | 36

#1931740 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:32

FUCK IT, I just wanna blow a dick, is that so bad?

Reply

morgan320 | 0

#1931852 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 23:04

Whats up with all the shitty comments lately?

Reply

Failed_Again | 0

#1932290 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:09

Racist much? I'm from Mexico, sir.

Reply

Haha_oh_wait | 4

#1932320 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:24

Then you should know how much of a shithole it is right now.

Reply

alwa7sh | 2

#1932343 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:38

I am jheniiifer jlopez I love tacos y burritos!!

Reply

rallets | 22

#1932418 - Thursday 6 January 2011 3:11

Montezuma's Revenge

Reply

starrs_movingIn | 0

#1932658 - Thursday 6 January 2011 5:33

what's w/ the racism? gahhdamn. chill.

Reply

joeb95 | 0

#1932765 - Thursday 6 January 2011 6:18

that's what tequila does to you

Reply

Alienkiller | 0

#1933464 - Thursday 6 January 2011 11:08

u should know

Reply

Alienkiller | 0

#1933476 - Thursday 6 January 2011 11:10

#68

By VivaLaCobra22 | 0

#1931744 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:33

no more burritos for you!

Reply

alwa7sh | 2

#1932304 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:17

I am jheniiifer jlopez I love tacos y burritos!!

Reply

I_like_chicken | 0

#1934044 - Thursday 6 January 2011 13:46

it's not burrito, it's burrritoo (Russel Peters reference)

By yohanner | 0

#1931746 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:34

adult diapers

Reply

youjustmademelol | 4

#4124499 - Monday 5 March 2012 19:47

Or a bucket the stronger the better, we don't want shit on the car

By lexi_223 | 0

#1931749 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:34

oh that's terrible. I hope you feel a bit better by the time you have to go home :/

By skatingalyy | 0

#1931755 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:35

oh that sucks! D:

By VirtKitty | 8

#1931757 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:35

Thanx for exposing the entire office to whatever fun virus you have....

By dani22097 | 0

#1931761 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:36

lemme guess... you drank their water

By AlienX_fml | 0

#1931763 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:37

you should have called out. bosses usually expect people to be sick after a vacation. plus u went to mexico... they would understand ur sickness. ydi

By Phazzer | 0

#1931768 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:38

I deal with that every day of my life. I haven't had a solid bowel movement in almost two years.

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1931781 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:42

Thanks for the enlightenment.

Reply

SeasonedLemur | 5

#1931813 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:52

Hahahaha you sound exactly like my friend rob!

Reply

rockerguy73 | 0

#2738305 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 22:03

what happened that caused that?

By MaddaCheeb | 0

#1931770 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:39

that's going to suck.