Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25374

You deserved it

5777

Tweet

Share

No one likes a smart-ass

Understanding

Parental guilt

By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48587

You deserved it

8531

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52138

You deserved it

3897

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was at the mall and I noticed this guy staring at me from across the food court. He smiled and waved at me so I walked over there and tried to talk to him. He was looking at his girlfriend the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21430

You deserved it

5042

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39578

You deserved it

2493

Tweet

Share

By princess

Today, I accidentally touched a hot pan and, like any normal person would, jerked my hand back. My mom saw, yelled at me for being a "prissy princess" and then proceeded to stick her whole hand on the hot pan for a full 5 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2859

You deserved it

351

Tweet

Share

By abbiexo97

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1680

You deserved it

139

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Finland - Vanda

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because of a tattoo I have. It's a small teddy bear on my leg with my parents' names on it. My workplace has no problems with tattoos, but my boss said it was "unoriginal and lame." It's a memorial tattoo; my parents died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54821

You deserved it

3465

Tweet

Share

By sunboy52 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37828

You deserved it

90839

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35266

You deserved it

5133

Tweet

Share

By PaneraSucks - United States - Londonderry

Today, a customer at work pronounced the word "Asian" as "Ah-See-Awn" when ordering a salad. I wasn't allowed to say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39095

You deserved it

4262

Tweet

Share

By blackandblue - United States

Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13336

You deserved it

28697

Tweet

Share

By TerribleAddiction - United States

Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31375

You deserved it

3329

Tweet

Share

By nocatlover - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31614

You deserved it

3372

Tweet

Share

By theotherotherguy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22756

You deserved it

1838

Tweet

Share

By Jackal - United States - Trumbull

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1664

You deserved it

130

Tweet

Share

By RIP

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. Aside from falling every 2 minutes, I was apparently showing the entire mountain (including my dad) my thong every time I fell and got back up. My boyfriend saw everything and didn't let me know until we finished the 20-minute run we were on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5492

You deserved it

1820

Tweet

Share

By Lost... - United States

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25988

You deserved it

8576

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 08:01

Time to move out

Today, I'm spending $1,400 on rent each month to hear my upstairs neighbor walk from one end of their apartment to the other, and then back again. This occurs pretty much all day and all night. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 a.m. from the banging of steps. My other neighbor played his music so loud, I felt it through the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1348

You deserved it

130

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

17881

You deserved it

40143

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57132

You deserved it

6791

Tweet

Share

By Female - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43720

You deserved it

2802

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4693

You deserved it

294

Tweet

Share

By tooefficient

Monday, Monday, so good to me…

Today, I was scolded by my boss, all because I can finish most tasks in a quarter of the time it takes him, and he doesn't want to be shown up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1564

You deserved it

98

Tweet

Share

By m33p - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34755

You deserved it

8295

Tweet

Share

By Wickls - United Kingdom

Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9091

You deserved it

29226

Tweet

Share

By breeeeeh - France - Brou-sur-chantereine

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27650

You deserved it

69675

Tweet

Share

By AyoitsSteveo - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21896

You deserved it

158912

Tweet

Share

By damn cats

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2327

You deserved it

299

Tweet

Share

By linn - United States

Today, my mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk. Towards the end, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. As I came back, I overheard my dad telling my mom that I'm so unpopular, the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41944

You deserved it

3159

Tweet

Share

By sel2207 - France

Today, I lent my brand new earrings to one of my friends. Everyone told her that they are pretty, and look really great on her. I've been wearing them for the last 3 weeks, and no one has ever mentioned them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26063

You deserved it

2539

Tweet

Share

By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43885

You deserved it

3882

Tweet

Share

By Diana - United States

We hear ya

Today, I found out that falling asleep with a bobby pin in your hair means waking up with one jammed in your ear drum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1467

You deserved it

358

Tweet

Share

By El Stupido - Australia

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14156

You deserved it

58322

Tweet

Share

By helper - Costa Rica

Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16556

You deserved it

34471

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, we went to a nice place by a river to have a BBQ. Someone then asked if we could move the fireplace somewhere else, so we went to check another spot. We came back to find a dog had eaten all the meat we'd brought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1433

You deserved it

833

Tweet

Share

By stacyyvonne - United States

Today, I finally found the courage to tell my drug addict husband that I'm leaving him. He sat in his chair, denying using drugs, ever. Right after he said this, he passed out and spilled hot coffee on himself. He then denied spilling the coffee. As I was leaving, he took all of my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36293

You deserved it

3472

Tweet

Share

By amazed - United States - Frisco

Today, some Juggalos mocked me for the way I was dressed. Juggalos giving sartorial advice, really? FML

I agree, your life sucks

20303

You deserved it

3821

Tweet

Share

By Aaron - United States - Matthews

Today, I decided to talk to a girl at the gym I had seen there a lot. I walked up to her at the station she was at and asked her out to dinner sometime. I didn't realize she had been wearing headphones. She took them off and asked if I was waiting on the station. My courage left. I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25596

You deserved it

4861

Tweet

Share

By McFired - United States

Today, I got fired from my job for harassing customers over the weekend. I didn't work over the weekend. I left my nametag there on Friday and my co-workers thought it would be funny to wear my nametag all weekend. One of them got into a fight with a customer and they took her 'name' down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75456

You deserved it

7262

Tweet

Share

By StretchNuts - United States

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22312

You deserved it

4763

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By dani22097 | 0

#1931761 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:36

lemme guess... you drank their water

By VivaLaCobra22 | 0

#1931744 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:33

no more burritos for you!

COMMENTS

By Ekh0es | 36

#1931740 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:32

FUCK IT, I just wanna blow a dick, is that so bad?

Reply

morgan320 | 0

#1931852 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 23:04

Whats up with all the shitty comments lately?

Reply

Failed_Again | 0

#1932290 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:09

Racist much? I'm from Mexico, sir.

Reply

Haha_oh_wait | 4

#1932320 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:24

Then you should know how much of a shithole it is right now.

Reply

alwa7sh | 2

#1932343 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:38

I am jheniiifer jlopez I love tacos y burritos!!

Reply

rallets | 22

#1932418 - Thursday 6 January 2011 3:11

Montezuma's Revenge

Reply

starrs_movingIn | 0

#1932658 - Thursday 6 January 2011 5:33

what's w/ the racism? gahhdamn. chill.

Reply

joeb95 | 0

#1932765 - Thursday 6 January 2011 6:18

that's what tequila does to you

Reply

Alienkiller | 0

#1933464 - Thursday 6 January 2011 11:08

u should know

Reply

Alienkiller | 0

#1933476 - Thursday 6 January 2011 11:10

#68

By VivaLaCobra22 | 0

#1931744 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:33

no more burritos for you!

Reply

alwa7sh | 2

#1932304 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:17

I am jheniiifer jlopez I love tacos y burritos!!

Reply

I_like_chicken | 0

#1934044 - Thursday 6 January 2011 13:46

it's not burrito, it's burrritoo (Russel Peters reference)

By yohanner | 0

#1931746 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:34

adult diapers

Reply

youjustmademelol | 4

#4124499 - Monday 5 March 2012 19:47

Or a bucket the stronger the better, we don't want shit on the car

By lexi_223 | 0

#1931749 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:34

oh that's terrible. I hope you feel a bit better by the time you have to go home :/

By skatingalyy | 0

#1931755 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:35

oh that sucks! D:

By VirtKitty | 8

#1931757 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:35

Thanx for exposing the entire office to whatever fun virus you have....

By dani22097 | 0

#1931761 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:36

lemme guess... you drank their water

By AlienX_fml | 0

#1931763 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:37

you should have called out. bosses usually expect people to be sick after a vacation. plus u went to mexico... they would understand ur sickness. ydi

By Phazzer | 0

#1931768 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:38

I deal with that every day of my life. I haven't had a solid bowel movement in almost two years.

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1931781 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:42

Thanks for the enlightenment.

Reply

SeasonedLemur | 5

#1931813 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:52

Hahahaha you sound exactly like my friend rob!

Reply

rockerguy73 | 0

#2738305 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 22:03

what happened that caused that?

By MaddaCheeb | 0

#1931770 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:39

that's going to suck.