Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico.... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

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Honesty is the best policy

Whatthefuckaburger

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 04:00

Amazon addict

Today, I found out my husband spent us into overdraft charges through compulsive online shopping. Again. FML

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By chanclepants - 27/1/2010 13:35 - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 11:12 - Australia - Hobart

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

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By T-Shain - 31/5/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

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By underachiever - 20/2/2010 07:29 - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

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By "7thwardlord" - 21/8/2017 16:00

Today, I decided to be nice and "drop" a twenty in my grandma's house for her to find. She injured her back while picking it up. FML

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By secretdeo - 24/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By BrandonDrapeau - 3/8/2015 02:57 - United States - Sparta

Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML

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By Ldp56 - 25/2/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

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By NoThanks - 24/8/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By luvs2spooge89 - 1/5/2013 14:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By FailedSalesman - 17/12/2016 17:39 - United States - Lewisville

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

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By apenglishstudent - 31/3/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML

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By Misky - 2/7/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By loser - 20/5/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up to find my 6-year-old daughter had duct taped me to my bed and dropped my wallet down the toilet. Well played. FML

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By mywillyisdisappointed - 5/12/2015 01:57 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

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By jeeperspeepers - 2/8/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML

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By cakestar9 - 31/12/2015 19:39 - Ireland - Ennis

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

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By ouch - 27/1/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 15:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML

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By jake - 7/2/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I forgot it was her birthday. We had only been dating for 2 weeks. I didn't even know when it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 20:22 - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

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By anonymous - 11/1/2015 19:10 - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I found out that when you chase a couple of squirrels off your porch for irritating your dogs, sometimes they chase you back. FML

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By lonestar - 3/2/2010 13:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I went to my Homecoming dance. I had a great time until some fat girl kept trying to dance with my date, even though he politely asked her to stop. I decided to intervene. I found myself pinned to the floor by a fat girl crushing on my date, who was cheering her on as she tackled me. FML

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By worstfatherever - 10/7/2011 20:54 - United States

Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML

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By Trainspotting - 3/4/2011 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

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By homework - 21/7/2009 07:34 - India

Today, whilst cleaning out his desk, my dad "accidentally" threw away my summer homework. That's 100 pages, over a duration of 2 months. School starts in 3 days. FML

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By darkrebel01 - 21/4/2020 02:00

Caught in the act

Today, I found out how fast my dad's reaction speed is. I was coming downstairs and sat next to my dad on the couch to show him something I did in a class. He was on an adult website and didn't notice I was coming into the room until I was sitting next to him. FML

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By darknight - 21/7/2019 02:03

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

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By jeremiah - 6/11/2011 08:21 - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

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By xXfloatingshitlogXx - 3/11/2012 16:04 - Norway - Jessheim

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

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By boob sisters - 2/7/2014 17:01 - United States - Lilburn

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

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By lexithepirate - 27/7/2012 09:24 - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

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By anonymous - 1/5/2016 17:59 - United States

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2013 17:55 - United States - Hartford

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I'll have to join my school's special education needs sector. This is because I can't attend school properly due to chronic issues with severe pain. So much for my 3.9 GPA and being in the top 5% of my class. FML

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By looking4newvenue - 23/2/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - 4/8/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By Maria39018 - 1/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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Top comments

By dani22097 | 0

#1931761 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:36

lemme guess... you drank their water

By VivaLaCobra22 | 0

#1931744 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:33

no more burritos for you!

Comments

By Ekh0es | 36

#1931740 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:32

FUCK IT, I just wanna blow a dick, is that so bad?

Reply

morgan320 | 0

#1931852 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 23:04

Whats up with all the shitty comments lately?

Reply

Failed_Again | 0

#1932290 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:09

Racist much? I'm from Mexico, sir.

Reply

Haha_oh_wait | 4

#1932320 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:24

Then you should know how much of a shithole it is right now.

Reply

alwa7sh | 2

#1932343 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:38

I am jheniiifer jlopez I love tacos y burritos!!

Reply

rallets | 22

#1932418 - Thursday 6 January 2011 3:11

Montezuma's Revenge

Reply

starrs_movingIn | 0

#1932658 - Thursday 6 January 2011 5:33

what's w/ the racism? gahhdamn. chill.

Reply

joeb95 | 0

#1932765 - Thursday 6 January 2011 6:18

that's what tequila does to you

Reply

Alienkiller | 0

#1933464 - Thursday 6 January 2011 11:08

u should know

Reply

Alienkiller | 0

#1933476 - Thursday 6 January 2011 11:10

#68

By VivaLaCobra22 | 0

#1931744 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:33

no more burritos for you!

Reply

alwa7sh | 2

#1932304 - Thursday 6 January 2011 2:17

I am jheniiifer jlopez I love tacos y burritos!!

Reply

I_like_chicken | 0

#1934044 - Thursday 6 January 2011 13:46

it's not burrito, it's burrritoo (Russel Peters reference)

By yohanner | 0

#1931746 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:34

adult diapers

Reply

youjustmademelol | 4

#4124499 - Monday 5 March 2012 19:47

Or a bucket the stronger the better, we don't want shit on the car

By lexi_223 | 0

#1931749 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:34

oh that's terrible. I hope you feel a bit better by the time you have to go home :/

By skatingalyy | 0

#1931755 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:35

oh that sucks! D:

By VirtKitty | 8

#1931757 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:35

Thanx for exposing the entire office to whatever fun virus you have....

By dani22097 | 0

#1931761 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:36

lemme guess... you drank their water

By AlienX_fml | 0

#1931763 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:37

you should have called out. bosses usually expect people to be sick after a vacation. plus u went to mexico... they would understand ur sickness. ydi

By Phazzer | 0

#1931768 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:38

I deal with that every day of my life. I haven't had a solid bowel movement in almost two years.

Reply

unidentified_sta | 5

#1931781 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:42

Thanks for the enlightenment.

Reply

SeasonedLemur | 5

#1931813 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:52

Hahahaha you sound exactly like my friend rob!

Reply

rockerguy73 | 0

#2738305 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 22:03

what happened that caused that?

By MaddaCheeb | 0

#1931770 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 22:39

that's going to suck.