Kids: Today, I had to explain to my one person on my staff why having...

By AntiBobTheBuilder - 02/03/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my one person on my staff why having kids aged 6 to 9 hammering in screws with the butt end of a screwdriver is neither safe, nor a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 377

You deserved it 3 014

Kids

Hiding from the drama

Mother of the year

No-life

Lookin' good

By Sleeping Beauty - 19/12/2015 19:20 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 996

You deserved it 3 757

By arse of fire :( - 23/02/2013 00:31 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 042

You deserved it 3 857

By Jake - 29/04/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 029

You deserved it 6 202

By nancie - 02/08/2018 20:30

Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 764

You deserved it 693

By N O - 27/05/2014 18:47 - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 322

You deserved it 6 933

By benoit - 15/03/2013 12:35 - France

Today, I walked into work, a day after losing my shit with our systems admin, due to her taking ages to enable my new email account. I was soon bitched out, warned, and suspended over several lewd emails having been sent overnight from my account to various female co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 046

You deserved it 33 657

By ugh - 01/12/2015 03:52 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 1 553

By StomachofTinfoil - 24/11/2014 01:59 - United States - Bar Harbor

Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 210

You deserved it 3 578

Quite the catch

By Anonymous - 29/06/2020 05:05

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me with more guys than I can count on one hand. I'm not sure what's worse, realizing this only after she's moved in, realizing two of the guys were my close friends, or realizing I'd given up my dream career for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 275

Eat the rich

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 17:00

Today, at work, I found out that they are taking all bonus pay away, but giving us an extra $1 an hour due to Covid-19. Last week, they laid off half my department. Those people laid off are making more money on unemployment than I am now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 811

You deserved it 107

By Anonymous - 23/10/2017 16:19

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 908

You deserved it 442

By Anonymous - 27/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was talking to my military brother about him coming home soon. I told him that our parents don't always handle change well, but are excited to see him. He took that to mean that they don't want him home and to make plans to stay where he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 870

By sadf4x0r - 24/02/2010 17:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 604

You deserved it 6 332

By mybad7 - 15/09/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 895

You deserved it 34 410

Good old gender stereotypes

By Brian - 05/11/2020 13:59 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I couldn't open a jar of mayo and my cousin had to open it for me. She's a 16 year-old girl and I'm a 24 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 727

By annoyed - 14/12/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 116

You deserved it 5 453

By Anonymous - 10/04/2012 14:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 725

You deserved it 19 850

The cupcake incident

By kandi - 04/05/2009 07:34 - Philippines

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I rested on the glass protecting the cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 417

You deserved it 79 712

By Lax - 12/01/2009 09:37 - France

Today, my 5 year-old daughter watched me getting dressed in the bathroom and asked, "Mum, when my boobs grow, will they droop like yours?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 854

You deserved it 3 464

By Anonymous - 29/04/2013 16:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 719

You deserved it 13 306

By hudd357mag - 06/02/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 103

You deserved it 2 438

Busted

By katara - 02/07/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 977

You deserved it 57 376

Added protein

By Anonymous - 10/02/2021 00:30

Today, I was drinking lemon juice through a straw. After finishing half of the drink, I noticed there was a cockroach in my straw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 149

By feminismlol - 06/04/2012 04:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 823

You deserved it 29 133

By Nate - 12/01/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 701

You deserved it 59 041

By xobeachbabi428ox - 18/07/2009 22:32 - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 125

You deserved it 7 961

By preggers - 30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 484

You deserved it 3 920

By Anonymous - 01/04/2014 06:06 - United States - Eugene

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 592

You deserved it 7 910

Money management

By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 298

It never rains, it pours

By samsonity - 15/09/2020 17:02

Today, I woke up knowing I'd done all my homework, so I'd have the day free. My dad calls me into his room to tell me that I have 3 outstanding exam papers to hand in this week. It was summer homework, set by my school's online learning website that I didn’t know it existed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 331

You deserved it 429

By Anonymous - 01/11/2011 09:03 - United States

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 324

You deserved it 7 505

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 17:46 - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 277

You deserved it 5 218

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 770

You deserved it 54 389

By inappropes - 29/10/2017 01:30

Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 616

You deserved it 264

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:25 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 798

You deserved it 3 707

By cwhitney7 - 22/12/2014 15:04 - United States - Waltham

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 699

You deserved it 13 299

By a_dani365 - 06/07/2015 21:37 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 452

You deserved it 9 600

By pervert - 09/01/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 499

You deserved it 28 628

By charliemann_ - 12/09/2011 14:28 - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 615

You deserved it 2 749

By notsoclean - 24/12/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 325

You deserved it 3 671

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

bigsc 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:56

there are so many things wrong with that

ilaleahcim 6

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:13

There are so many things wrong with this sentence.

bigsc 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:56

there are so many things wrong with that

insanesna1l 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:00

yeah, slave labour is losing the quality it used to have

rallets 22

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:49

is one person considered a staff? a staff is multiple employees...or a magical stick

piiing 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 20:07

op needs to work on their grammar

countryboyj17 0

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 6:26

55 care to correct him..?

benefiits 0

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 7:49

op said one person ON the staff so it should be correct

ScaughtieHolden 11

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:59

69 ;D

metallakes 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:05

THATS THE FIRST THING I SAW!

MissBunny25 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:53

oh god my eyes..

BIGshooter 2

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 16:01

miss bunny you are beautiful.

MissBunny25 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 16:06

thank youu :)

tattortotamus 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 16:46

I was thinking th same thing she really is gorgeous.

MissBunny25 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 16:52

kk this is a tad embarrassing :$ lol but thanks

quin01 0

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2011 0:13

#18 omfg sameee

wakeNmakePIZZA 0

Send a private message

Saturday 5 March 2011 0:21

me 2

ilaleahcim 6

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:13

There are so many things wrong with this sentence.

marinus_fml 19

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 14:35

In fact, there is nothing wrong with your sentence...

IzBtrolololin 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:16

this made no sense and confused me.

you_freak 7

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:26

Agreed, I had to read it a few times to figure out what was going on...

skull4k9 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:17

she should have just let them use hammers their much safer lol

NerdsWillRule 3

Send a private message

Saturday 9 June 2012 8:44

They're*.

Juliaa15 6

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:21

Been there, done that.

valri3 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:27

Some peoples wrote, sentences wrong. :(

MrLaryRottweila 1

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:29

Do you work at McDonalds?

instnt1nfction 17

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:41

that defiantly makes sense

BleakAsFcuk 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:15

Your sentence definitely makes sense.

Jimboom 11

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:34

Exactly.. I mean their little hands are way to small to properly use a screwdriver.... should have given them a hammer. ;-)

truthinlies 1

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 14:58

you don't use a hammer on screws screw the screws and nail nails

calcetines 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:11

Truthinlies, I love your use of metaphor in saying "screw" and "nail" when you actually meant Jimbiim's mother! ;)

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:54

Truthinlies, you're an idiot. OP said the kids were using the butt end of a screwdriver to try to hammer in nails. Learn to read. Calcetines, you're an even bigger idiot. That was such a failed attempt at humour. The sound of cows being slaughtered was funnier than that.