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Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML

#20434482
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8145) - you deserved it (18367)

On 12/31/2012 at 5:42pm - work - by offtothejobcentre (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30am. I stuck my head out my window and yelled at them to shut up. They didn't stop. I walked out the front door to find the bastard. It was firemen. They were sawing down the door of my neighbour's burning house. FML

#280969
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8142) - you deserved it (64878)

On 03/12/2009 at 10:29am - misc - by Noname (woman) - Canada (Saskatchewan)

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

#6386124
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8142) - you deserved it (33513)

On 11/20/2009 at 10:59pm - work - by Masonlee89 (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was driving down a highway during rush-hour. I heard my phone ring and couldn't find it. I bent down to feel around for it and got in an accident and totaled my car. The ringing? A commercial on the radio. Where was my phone? On my dresser at home. FML

#6554533
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8142) - you deserved it (59854)

On 12/01/2009 at 5:48pm - misc - by horribledriver (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

#4077228
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8140) - you deserved it (53851)

On 07/27/2009 at 10:34am - intimacy - by condom_kid (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

#52066
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8139) - you deserved it (61238)

On 02/16/2009 at 8:01am - misc - by bready (man) - United States (California)

Today, I decided to attach fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

#6848786
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8137) - you deserved it (45589)

On 12/20/2009 at 3:28pm - misc - by Klamp18 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

#55493
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8135) - you deserved it (56873)

On 02/16/2009 at 7:24pm - misc - by lunarboy (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, a friend jokingly asked who in my relationship wears the pants. My girlfriend replied, "I'm not sure, but I've got photos to prove I don't wear the skirt." FML

#4754202
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8132) - you deserved it (30145)

On 08/23/2009 at 2:54am - love - by Crossy (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

#15087427
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8132) - you deserved it (34463)

On 02/23/2011 at 3:17am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

#16016488
243 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8129) - you deserved it (52747)

On 05/02/2011 at 5:33am - misc - by Burnt (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

#4652929
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8127) - you deserved it (51096)

On 08/19/2009 at 10:36am - misc - by stagedivefail (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

#16262012
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8125) - you deserved it (22488)

On 05/20/2011 at 12:43am - misc - by Ahlph -



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