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Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/28/2012 at 4:52pm / United States / Love

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

by notgivingup / 09/30/2012 at 11:21pm / United States / Love

Today, I was in bed with the stomach flu. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to fart in the fan next to our bed, which caused me to vomit all over myself. FML

by Anonymouse / 11/06/2015 at 9:03pm / Health

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

by Sam_Licker81 / 11/19/2009 at 11:41am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the store with my 4-year-old daughter. When I went to change into tight jeans which weren't completely on, my daughter opened the curtain and yelled: "It's the mommy show!" Everyone there heard her and saw me. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2015 at 8:37pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I responded to an argument with my girlfriend by only using comebacks she'd used in previous arguments. I'm single now. FML

by Cygnus / 08/03/2015 at 10:14am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

by Nomoreballs / 07/10/2012 at 7:10pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Animals

Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML

by fastfingers409 / 04/22/2009 at 2:44am / United States (California) / Love

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2012 at 4:55pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

by gmd05 / 07/31/2012 at 10:28am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was driving, a bird swooped down, right in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to react, and so I had to listen to my wife cry the rest of the way home. She kept talking about how it bounced off the windshield and how it probably had a family. FML

by Wellthisishawkward / 08/14/2015 at 6:40pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

by habsgurl0622 / 10/08/2012 at 2:57pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2015 at 2:58am / United States (Michigan) / Work