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Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2015 at 2:58am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

by gmd05 / 07/31/2012 at 10:28am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

by notgivingup / 09/30/2012 at 11:21pm / United States / Love

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

by pinkfreak94 / 10/13/2012 at 9:38am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

by NothowIimaginedmyday / 10/03/2015 at 12:00am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

by MooCow / 07/12/2011 at 11:13pm / United States (Montana) / Animals

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

by GlassPwn / 12/19/2009 at 12:01am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

by DerrickUhl / 06/19/2012 at 12:28am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

by Silver_Samurai / 02/08/2012 at 10:24pm / Netherlands / Work

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2012 at 1:30am / United States / Kids

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

by habsgurl0622 / 10/08/2012 at 2:57pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

by RaceCar / 02/12/2010 at 2:24pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2012 at 4:55pm / United States (New York) / Health