Today, my mother cooked breakfast for everyone at my house. Then I later found one of my sex toys in the sink. I “casually” asked her what she used it for, and turns out she used it to make everyone’s scrambled eggs. She thought it was an electric egg whisk. FML
Today, I started playing the piano at a party. I've been playing for 15 years, so naturally I'm pretty good. I got halfway through a song before getting shown up by some douche who started playing Nickelback on the guitar. Fucking Nickelback. FML
Today, I finally caved and told a friend about my suicide note. She demanded that I promise I wouldn't follow through, but how could I when I was writing it no more than a few minutes before I joined a call with her? The funny thing is, most of that note was me trying to comfort my friends and family for when I'm gone. FML
Today, I went through another breakup. This will be my fourth in two years. None of them could handle or accept that I'm still best friends with my ex-husband, who is actually gay. FML
Today, I tried to be eco-friendly and ride my bike to work for the first time. I made it approximately three minutes before getting my shoelace caught in the gears, sending me crashing to the ground in a spectacular display of uncoordination. Now I have a sprained ankle and a newfound appreciation for cars. FML
Today, I was supposed to have an important work video call with several members of management. However, when I logged onto the call, I realized that I had a cat filter on my feed and couldn't figure out how to turn it off. The lead manager was not amused and said I was having a "Boomer moment." FML
Today, I was expecting lizards, spiders, and weird local insects in my hotel room. What I got was a cockroach on my toothbrush. A very tiny cockroach. FML
Today, while I was at work, a girl asked me if the Stitch (from Lilo and Stitch) plushie she wanted would be going on sale soon. After I told her I wasn't sure, her mom said they weren't going to buy it if it wasn't going on sale, and led her away. She looked absolutely crushed, and now my day is ruined. FML
Today, I got an email from my ex after he ghosted me for 5 months with no specific cause. He told me he had been seeing someone else for 3 of the months he had ghosted me for. He ended up changing his number and everything. What a lovely way to spend your birthday. FML
Today, I thought I was clever for doing my laundry while multitasking and making dinner. When I went to transfer my clothes from the washer to the dryer, I discovered that I'd accidentally washed a pack of gum that was in my pocket. The gum had melted into my favorite shirt, and I now have a sticky mess to deal with. FML
Today, half of my office urged me to file a complaint against a coworker for aggressive behaviour, so I did. Less than 24 hours later, HR gave him a real dressing down and the whole office turned against me for ratting on him to management. FML
Today, I went shopping with my grandma. Told her I saw a pretty dress I liked. She asked me who would fit in that? When I replied they have it in different sizes. She replied with, "Yeah but definitely not yours.". FML
Today, my parents and I were looking for something using the TV's search bar. Despite never, ever watching anything resembling porn, one of the default search options was, "Hot female Asian sex videos." Thank God they have an excellent sense of humor, as they laughed their heads off. FML
Today, I went swimming at a public pool. When I dove in, my speedos decided they’d had enough of me and slipped right off. I spent a minute underwater debating my life choices before realizing they’d floated to the shallow end, right next to a group of giggling kids. FML
Today, I was trying to put my kids to bed but my husband kept riling them up with yelling, wrestling, etc. By the time we actually got them to bed I was exhausted. His ass had the nerve to throw a fit because I was too tired for sex. Why does he think I was trying to get them to sleep?! FML
Today, I lost the pantyliner I was wearing. It's a hot, sweaty day, and I think the adhesive stopped working. I had a piano lesson right before I noticed it was missing. I'm having visions of it resting on my hot male piano teacher's floor. Or it fell out on the street somewhere. FML
Today, I got denied for the second job I thought I had lined up, because I’m technically related to the manager. I’ve only met her once in my life before today. The other was due to a hiring freeze. My unemployment is almost out and these are the only two calls I’ve got. FML
Today, I realized my iPhone is a reflection of my love and dating life. Every charger I have will charge my friends’ iPhones, pretty much everyone else’s… except mine. FML
Today, I got my ass kicked by my boss at work. Why? Because I missed my shift on Saturday, because I slept through my alarms and the phone calls from my co-workers, and I woke up three hours later in a state of panic. This is all because of a medicine I'm on for migraines. FML
Today, after switching careers to nursing, I got feedback for my first assessment. It indirectly implied, "Don't think like a doctor when you're studying nursing, don't diagnose patients." I barely passed and I'm only now realizing why my family was pushing me to go to med school. They know me better than myself. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. As I went to shake her dad’s hand, my nervous, sweaty palm slipped right off and I ended up tapping him on the wrist. He gave me the most judgmental look while I awkwardly apologized and wiped my hand on my pants. FML
Today, after I'd being sick all day, my boyfriend volunteered to do my very long sociology paper. I was later notified by my professor that the paper I'd submitted was completely plagiarized. FML
Today, ever since the day we met, me and my wife haven’t cared about Xmas at all except for exchanging a few gifts. Well I don’t know what happened but I got home from work and she had bought £1800 worth of Xmas shit and decorated every room and the garden. In November. What? Why? FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months. On my way home, my legs gave out halfway up the stairs to my apartment, and I had to awkwardly sit there until I could crawl the rest of the way up. FML
Today, I confidently walked into a coffee shop, ordered a cappuccino, and went to sit down. On my way over to read my book at a table, I knocked over a stack of chairs by tripping on a rug. The worst part? I had to sit there, sipping my drink, and reading the same sentence over and over again, while everyone watched me slowly die inside. FML
Today, I bit into a burrito and felt something hard crunch. I spit it out and found a small tooth. It was mine. I'd managed to break my tooth on a burrito. I had to go to the dentist, and the hygienist giggled a bit too much about the reason why it was getting fixed. I now have a strong suspicion of burritos which will probably never go away. FML
Today, a sixth grader complained to me about her emotionally cheating ex and her current boyfriend. I haven't had a single partner yet. A 12 year-old has a VERY EXISTENT and better love life than I do. When I said this to her she said "Well, at least your parents love you." They didn't. I need therapy. And a life. FML
Today, a relative showed me a picture of her phone. I also saw a picture of her husband, a friend, sleeping. He looked like he was dead to the world. I asked, jokingly, "Why is there a picture of a dead guy on your phone?" Turns out it was her father, who is in the hospital, and dying any day now. FML
Today, I wore new shoes to work. They squeaked with every single step on the office building's lino floor. People thought it was funny at first, but then I had to walk across the entire office to the printer, going "squeak, squeak, squeak" for 45 seconds straight. By the time I got back, my nickname was now apparently “Squeaker of the house.” FML
Today, after spending 5 years working towards my dream job, getting it, and while in training telling a risqué joke, I got suspended the next day, lost the job, and I'm now in a shitty admin job. FML
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