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Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

by green2black / 05/19/2010 at 3:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

by koletatlow19 / 03/05/2010 at 12:23am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Work

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

by newmoongirl1036 / 07/12/2015 at 10:03pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

by Ennui / 02/20/2010 at 2:12pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I went to an underwear shop, and an employee recommended me a push-up bra. I was wearing one. FML

by Pakundo / 01/17/2009 at 6:31am / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2012 at 3:40am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 2:13am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Health

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 1:47pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2012 at 8:11pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I learned that when your mom threatens to embarrass you by singing in public, the wrong response is, "Yeah? I dare you." FML

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2012 at 7:39am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

by leaf hater / 11/17/2011 at 7:43am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

by jasmith / 11/18/2012 at 2:45am / United States (Texas) / Love