Wake Up Call

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

Instadrama

This ain't working out

Thanks, I'm cured!

By Anonymous - 24/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

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Today, I wrote a Facebook post venting about the horrible things I've been going through lately, hoping my friends would console me. I discovered that my English teacher from 30 years ago, the creepy dude who keeps asking me out, and some random chick I don't even know are my only "friends." FML

By LoveUGuysToo - 5/8/2020 14:03

Where did everyone go?

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Today, I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. Then I sent face pics. As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. Apparently I'm ugly. FML

By yeahthatsme - 30/7/2009 20:15 - United States

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Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML

By katgib13 - 10/3/2015 22:38 - United States - Cincinnati

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Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

By dammitvasquez - 12/5/2011 23:34 - Canada

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Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 20:56 - United States - Collingswood

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Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

By Sacho - 24/10/2019 20:00

Hiking is so much fun!

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Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

By MonsterProblems - 7/1/2015 07:07 - Croatia

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Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 15:43 - United States - Corona

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Today, in a parking lot, a girl came up to our car and started to knock on the window and scream, "I KNEW IT!" My girlfriend doesn't believe that I don't know her. FML

By Apissedoffguy - 3/6/2012 15:20 - United States - Brockton

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Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 22:24 - Canada - Sackville

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1988

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 17:00

Last dates

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Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My Boss' daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

By Homeless - 14/7/2009 02:16 - United States

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Today, I was shopping for pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond. My husband playfully picked up a pillow pretending to start a pillow fight. I grabbed the largest pillow and chased him with it. When I finally caught up with him, a manager came around the corner. I was escorted out. FML

By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 11:52 - United States

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Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

By wtf - 20/6/2011 07:43 - Canada

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Today, I was spending time with my affectionate pet rabbit. He was hanging out with me on my bed as usual. After I finished giving him a long and thorough head rub, he thanked me by emptying his bladder on my leg. What is that, marking me as his property? True affection. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - United States - San Mateo

What's up, doc?

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Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

By SimG - 7/7/2013 12:35 - Canada - Cambridge

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Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 18:43 - United States

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Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

By Johnny - 19/12/2012 23:33 - United States - Memphis

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Today, I fell off my chair, then missed it completely trying to sit back down. FML

By Anonymous - 17/8/2019 20:03

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Today, a friend showed me my husband's online dating profile, which includes photos of him with our kids. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 04:00 - United States

Why do people do this?

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Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:18 - Australia

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Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

By tishihish - 12/12/2011 05:15 - United States

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Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 21:56 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

By Beeper - 11/10/2014 19:07 - United States - Champaign

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Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

By Amber - 28/5/2013 23:42 - United States - Oroville

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Today, I realised I can tell which family member has just left the bathroom from the smell alone. FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2019 04:14

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Today, the phone rang, it was some woman who wanted to speak to my dad. “It’s probably his mistress,” I said jokingly. Turns out it was. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 20:00

Secret life

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Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

By Dumbdumb - 15/2/2010 14:29 - United States

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Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn't notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML

By burnnnnn - 22/2/2010 01:31 - Ecuador

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Today, my husband and I waited until the TV shut off at 11 p.m. in the next room to signal his grandmother had retired to her bed upstairs. After doing it on a very squeaky bed, we went out naked half an hour later to go to the restroom across the hall, only to discover his Nana laying on the couch. FML

By secretmisery05 - 25/5/2020 17:00

Oh, hello there!

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Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 16:41 - Canada

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Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

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Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

By dog got ur phone - 7/5/2017 02:00

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Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

By CARnage - 21/5/2010 10:11 - Australia

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Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

By pissedoffandon - 6/5/2009 14:07 - United Kingdom

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Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

By Wow. - 18/12/2013 18:23 - United States

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Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

By carriageway - 31/1/2020 01:00 - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

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Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

By implantme - 11/5/2017 14:00

Give Me Novacaine

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Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 18:11 - United States - Portland

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