Wake Up Call

Today, I went to bed with three hot, half-naked girls beneath me. I was in the bunk above. Alone. FML

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Deadbeat

By lonelyguy321 - United Kingdom

40142

16526

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30038

7171

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

By sarahfromthesouth - United States

43495

7516

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

By Moron - Canada

25815

6523

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

968

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

By wow

Another fine mess

1691

308

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

21000

5049

Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML

By Highroller_17 - United States

25744

2345

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Valley Stream

18448

1355

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

By hardee fucking har yourself, sir - United Kingdom - Stockport

50493

4037

Today, as per usual, my mother went to see her psychic, who told her that one of her children is harbouring a "dark secret". Now we're all grounded until one of us confesses our obviously non-existent secret. FML

By daughter of a gullible cunt - Australia

39659

2662

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

44796

3870

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

28850

7889

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

26325

2690

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

By Zack - Israel

37123

96843

Today, after six months of dating, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because my "obsession" of being on the computer and playing games all the time was cutting into "our time". She then told me to "get a life" and never wanted to see me again. She told me all of this on WoW. FML

By zuper_duper - United States

29071

52664

Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's mad at me for not reminding him. FML

By Anonymous

20708

1885

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

By mydadforgetsme - United States - Philadelphia

23594

1447

Today, was my sixteenth birthday. I was hoping to get a car. Instead, my parents got me a 3 month membership at the gym so I can lose weight. FML

By not_so_sweet_sixteen - United States

40432

55725

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

45343

3607

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

By c - United States - Denham Springs

29012

1749

Today, my cat woke me up announcing he was hungry by standing on my bedside table. This placed him both next to and above my head. Did he do this by meowing? Nope. Did he do it by tapping me with his little paw? Not that either. He sneezed all over my face. FML

By MistofAvalon

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

1318

267

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29618

7217

Today, I found out that I was held back in preschool because of some developmental issues. My parents didn't think it was important enough to mention it to me. Why hadn't I figured it out? They also lied to me about how old I was. FML

By dumb - United States

75294

4558

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

By diesel444 - United States

36710

23097

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 14:02

Boredom

1434

174

Today, I was called into the office and suspended due to allegations made by a coworker of poor work performance. Yesterday, I received a certificate praising my work performance. I might be dismissed at any moment. FML

By AloisTrancy

Corporate logic

1689

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

By Fuzy - France

29401

2339

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML

By hunting7waves - United States - Des Moines

29615

1873

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

By Jordan - United States

12268

37338

Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML

By Shitsuo01 - United States - Douglasville

4313

365

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

By mal - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

33020

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Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

By rob - France

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Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

By Noname - South Africa

58658

2428

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

He prefers the dog

1867

333

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

By Noname - United States

16710

68261

Today, my new job e-mailed to tell me the role was no longer available, leaving me to start my job search all over again. My notice at my current job ends this week. But it's OK, because as compensation for my 'distress', the company sent £100 worth of vouchers... to the wrong address. FML

By Jobless

4399

251

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

By madeleine - 8/4/2021 05:00

Gummy

597

243

Today, I had to awkwardly sit next to my ex and her mother on a 2-hour flight. FML

By GatorBoi - United States

14404

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2271

Today, the accredited funeral home of my memorial plan is going out of business. Instead of delegating my policy to a different firm, they gave me the package. I now have to take home a land title for where I will be buried, my own coffin, and my headstone. FML

By Prepper?

Going out of business? It's a matter of life and death!

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