Wake Up Call

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML

Sorry…

Pay up, dude

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By donkeyd - United States

29638

2441

Today, at the age of 29, I now have a relationship on par with a teenager's. Several weeks ago, my fiancé and I lost our home, and are now back living with our respective families. We now have no privacy. I actually just got dropped off at home, before 10, after having sex in a hay field. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

36864

5011

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I am a 230-pound former soldier. He is a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

By Franklin

Size isn't everything!

2197

6842

Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when I went shopping 3 days ago. My whole car smells like farts now. FML

By FartyCar

2011

974

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

By Grossed Out - Australia

38685

2777

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

By luceeloo

11132

817

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

By mugged - United States

40319

4818

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Paranoid much?

1528

157

Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

30548

3193

Today, not only do I work as a garbage man, but I had to pick up a used, bloody tampon that someone decided to throw on the ground rather than in a garbage can. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Wayne

54447

5041

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

35004

2920

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

By moshgra

26916

2158

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

By foreveralone - Australia - Perth

26184

2204

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

By DebitDebacle

3969

239

Today, I turned the shower on the hottest setting so it would warm up quickly. I started to sing and dance around the bathroom. I got too carried away and pelvic thrusted the water, which I hadn't turned back down. FML

By Fire_Crotch - Canada

8831

48566

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

By Diesel - Belgium

43350

4547

Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was "Don't turn gay". I'm gay. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

54700

11122

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 05:00 - Australia

Jaws

2017

124

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

By Username - United States

39821

4673

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

By unappreciated - United States

45658

2789

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

By cunts, cunts everywhere - Australia

44261

2767

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Kennett

35463

52943

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

By poop hands - United States - Salt Lake City

7915

4950

Today, as my 12 hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

By Ethan_18 - United States

30889

2484

Today, I told my daughter that we're going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog that we buried in our back yard last week so it can come along. FML

By GlueAndCarrots - Canada - Markham

25038

1776

Today, my most difficult task at work was three hole punching a 500 page document so somebody could put it in a binder on their shelf and not read it. I have a $150,000 education. FML

By bagpipesrkmywrld - United States

51628

7835

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

By Talvesh - United States

29915

2136

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

By squirrel - United States

12848

42369

Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 02:01

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

1545

100

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

By random875 - United States - Owings Mills

37171

2466

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

By Rhine - Barbados - Bridgetown

33055

14981

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

By Mitch

12028

734

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

By missingcharlie - United States

44982

5669

Today, my father called me for the first time in two weeks since I moved away. Excited, I answered the phone. It was a mistake. He thought he'd called my sister. FML

By Kellye - United States

38225

2503

Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

43040

3759

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

By Anonymous - United States

47065

2828

Today, I was so zoned-out, I shouted a hello to the chair in the staff room. It's the third time today I've mistaken an inanimate object for a person. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

1223

479

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

By saraleerocha - France

40752

14270

Today, my friend asked why I always smell like a dead animal carcass. I have no idea. FML

By Anonymous - United States

28104

7884

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

By PoorGramps - United States

49296

3114